Recap: The Royals Episode 3


The Royals Episode 3
Oh Cyrus, fratricide is sooo 17th century.

If we’ve learned anything about Cyrus, it’s that he loves cocaine. And Booze. And Sex. And — apparently in The Royals episode 3 — swords. Cyrus envisions himself wielding a sword at the back of King Simon’s head in a drug-fueled daydream that is straight out of Hamlet. Why didn’t creator Mark Schwahn just name Cyrus, “Claudius”? Would that have been too literal? Also, the Against Me! song, “How Low” is musical perfection for this opener. Will The Royals be releasing an album of music featured in the show? If so, sign me up for one!

Over at Liam’s flat, the Prince Hottie is getting it on with who we at first think is Ophelia, but it’s actually Gemma. Bastard! Gemma looks so hard in the face when she’s trying to look sexy. There’s something about lining ones eyes all the way around makes blondes look so 1980’s haggard.

Jasper reveals a little of his backstory to Princess Eleanor. He claims that he’s from Nevada and his parents were grifters and thieves. I love the word “Grifter.” Jasper says that when he decided to go straight and work in a Las Vegas casino, he broke his parents’ hearts.

Over at whatever college Ophelia attends, she’s saved from the pesky paparazzi by Nick, a clueless computer geeky musician who claims that he knows her but doesn’t have a clue why she’s being stalked by the press. Yeah, whatever. I’m not buying it because how in the heck did he know she was in peril through a closed door with now window in it? I know he’s probably being introduced as a love-triangle with Ophelia and Liam (Since Liam’s already got his own triangle with Ophelia and Gemma) but I’m suspect of this chap.

The Royals Episode 3
Best. Outfits. Ever!

And then we see Princesses Maribel and Princess Penelope, and all is right in the world. As usual, the lesser-princesses are wearing the most amazing outfits, and my amazing I mean crazy, tacky hairjuku girl, KPop terrible wonderfulness. Don’t you just imagine that actresses Lydia Rose Bewley & Hatty Preston are the most blessed actresses on the planet?

The royal family is prepping for their annual London Fashion Week family portrait. Who knew that London Fashion week was an important thing?

Queen Helena: “I want the front page, let me know when it runs.” Your highness, I hope you’ll approve of the covers of Hopper Magazine and TV Weekly, with articles written by yours truly.

Princess Eleanor (Wearing an amazing feathered and sequined dress) “I call bagsy on Purple, so purple is mine.”
WTF, pray tell, is bagsy? Apparently it’s the British version of “Dibbs,” but I don’t think I’ll be calling bagsy anytime soon.

Mummy Dearest to Eleanor
“You do… nothing
You contribute… nothing
And when all of this goes away, you’re going to be … nothing.”
She cuts like a knife, doesn’t she?

Since it’s fashion week, of course the queen holds the best fashion show. And this year, princess Eleanor is holding a competing fashion show. We’re ‘bout to get fierce for fashion, behatches!

The Royals Episode 3
Words of Wisdom from a fake place.

I didn’t really hear any quotes that were straight out of literature this week, but we were gifted a few words of wisdom courtesy of the fictitious Dragon King of Morovia when he presents King Simon and Prince Liam with a gift.
“The Bow — steady and true — like your father.
The arrows — strong and sure — like the son.
Alone: ineffective. But together: undeniable.”
I’ll look for that on a bumper sticker soon.

After meeting with the Dragon King, he got chewed out by a rabble-rousing anti-monarchist, and after that, Prince Liam has to meet with the Prime Minister! Being the king of England sucks a lot more than being the Prince who can spend his days chasing tail and downing pints. Is King Simon is putting Liam through a king-in-training combine? Sounds utterly hellish, and if that’s what Liam has to look forward to, I say, “Long live King Simon! Long may he reign!”

The Royals Episode 3
In this family, it’s not awkward if your dad walks in on your fanny bleaching session.

Butt-ering Up
Princess Eleanor has found a sweet location for her fashion show, some cool but creepy tunnels. And of couse, since Princesses Tweedledee and Tweedledum know where it is, it’s not hard for Cyrus to blackmail them for the deets after he snaps some —ahem — intimate photos of their anal bleaching session. The princesses don’t really bat and eye when their pops sees their poopers. Gag. And, we learn later from Cyrus’ drug-loving boy-toy, Cy partook in a little AB for himself. But in a moment of sure turnabout genius, Queen Helena calls bagsie on the tunnel for her own fashion show, and Princess Eleanor has to relent.

The Royals Episode 3
Not a TARDIS. phew!

Later, Liam and Eleanor head out for a night of Fashion Week boozing and banging, and who shows up but Gemma, who later atempts to give Liam road head while she’s driving. In case you didn’t know, fashion week makes everyone Horny. I’ve never seen this attempted before by a car’s drive, but this is TV, and after bodyguard Marcus does some backseat driving, the SUV smashes into a charming red phone booth. In a stroke of TV luck, neither the un-seat belted bodyguard nor the un-seat belted fellacio-giving driver was ejected from the moving vehicle (although Gemma suffers a nasty cut to her face.)

Queen Helena lays down the law for Eleanor: “I’ve spent my life cultivating the image of this family, deciding who sees us and how they see us. Living your live in the pubic eye is one thing, but to maliciously undo the work I’ve done, the steps I’ve taken to protect you and this family, it’s unforgivable. You want the press to decide? That’s fine. As far as I’m concerned, the press shouldn’t decide anything for us. Or about us. Ever.” You cross the Queen, you’re gonna cross a sword.

The Royals Episode 3
Whose look reigns in your fashion kingdom?

Fashion Smashion
With competing fashion shows, whose runway do you think ruled?
Tradition in the sewers or blacklight in the palace?
Ethereal vs. Chic?
Classic vs. Modern?
Liz in Blue vs. Eleanor in Black?
I didn’t see the lesser princesses in the fashion show (So why again did they bleach their bums?) but the press (and the princess’ cleverly painted chest) claimed victory for Eleanor.

Simon wants Liam to take over for Cyrus on his beloved plane tour, which is Cyrus’ favorite event of the year. Cyrus may finally start seeing Liam not only as the one who can save the monarchy, but the one with whom we’ll compete for attention. And later, Cyrus tells the prince how similar he and Lim really are — each is “The Spare” who drinks too much, womanizes and is the type to slink away from an accident.

To Laleh’s song, “Speaking of Truth,” Eleanor is relishing in her fashion week triumph, but then Queen Helena reveals that the praise Eleanor earned in the press was planted by her. The princess finds that victory doesn’t taste as sweet when it isn’t earned. Jasper overhears the conversation and reassures the princess that her show was a success, but she doesn’t care, her mother ruined it.

The Royals Episode 3
tiny bed.

That night in bed (Why does the king not have a king-sized bed?) King Simon admits he’s not been himself that week because the family portrait was the first without son Robert.

He tells the queen, “You need to be better to your children. We may not always be a monarchy, but we will always be a family.”

Queen Helena’s reply is basically, it’s too late. But is it, your highness? Can family forgive?

The Royals Episode 3

When we see the Royal portrait, I’m underwhelmed. Although everyone is in amazing clothes (LOVE Eleanor’s dress), they clash terribly. Have they not seen the proper way to color coordinate outfits in a photograph? If not, check out any one of the holiday cards I received this year, or better yet, any press image from any of the Real Housewives shows.