Recap: The Royals, Episode 2

Recap: The Royals, Episode 2. To quasi-formally get over the grief of Robert’s death, the British Royal family decided to throw a Garden Party. I had no idea what this was either, but in my observation, everyone gets drunk while wearing hats. And then they hook up. How very proper.

Totally Quotable:
“FML” may become my favorite thing to say, usurping OMG.

The Royals, Episode 2
I’m not the only one who see this, right?

Doesn’t Cyrus look like Robbie Rotten from the kiddie show Lazytown? I even made a very poor-quality side-by-side of the twosome. It’s utterly uncanny! Cyrus looks more like Robbie Rotten than the guy who plays Robbie Rotten!

OMG moment.
Queen Helena: Good Morning, daughter who hates me! (sniffs) smells of sex in here…
Rachael the aide: Dirty sex
Queen Helena: Apparently, someone’s been beavering about.

The Royals, Episode 2
Why does coffee in Britain come in Mason jars?

So confused.
Can someone please explain to me what an “Iced dirty Chai, with soy” is and how something with Chai in it can be considered coffee? (thanks internet.) It’s barely coffee, adding a shot of espresso to a chai latte is like adding a shot of caramel to a chai latte. It adds taste, but doesn’t change the fact that you’re drinking tea.

The Royals, Episode 2
A long scene needs a long walk.

Totally TV.
Did anyone else notice the outstanding scene where Queen Helena and King Simon walked through the entirety of the castle in a single take? Brilliant.

The show’s primary film location is Blenhaim Castle, the same massive home where Winston Churchill was born. An architectural note (courtesy of Wikipedia): “It is a tribute to the craftsmanship of the carpenters who installed the doors between the rooms that with the keys removed it is possible to look through them all, from one end of the enfilade to the other.”

The Royals, Episode 2 Love Triangle.
We meet Liam’s ex-girlfriend, a cool rich bitch named Gemma who was born to be a royal.

She’s a member of rich aristocracy and she broke Liam’s heart when she tossed him aside — but now that he’s the future king — she wants him back. Ophelia is her competition — ergo — her enemy. There is something about Gemma that makes her look terribly old compared to Ophelia. Her face is hard, but her body be bangin’!

The Royals, Episode 2
This is confidence!!

Speaking of bangin’…
Bravo to actress Alexandra Park for having the nerve (and body!) to brave Princess Eleanor’s barely-there lingerie this week. If it weren’t for some very carefully placed bits of lace, our fair lady would be quite indecent! Thus far, we’ve seen The Queen in her skivvies, Princess Eleanor in her skivvies, the Prince shirtless, his current lover (Ophelia) in her bra and undies, and Liam’s ex Gemma in her lingerie, shirtless from the back, and in her bra (see above). Forget The Tudors and all of their melodramatic historically fictitious sex, these are history’s sexiest royal family!

The Royals, Episode 2
Liam gets “in touch” with his subjects. His subjects get in touch with “His Royal Heine”

Royals behaving badly?
Which is the bigger faux pas at the garden party – Eleanor sparking up a doobie, or Liam’s surfing the crowd?

(Or do you choose neither and say Ophelia passing out in a bush?)

I would like to be invited to a garden party, not only for the food and booze, but for the Hat Couture! I look smashing in hats, and if it was proper to wear a fascinator with a sweater set, I’d be all over it.

Best Quote
Cyrus slays with an amazing monologue about Liam’s less-than-royal behaviour (I threw in the Brit spelling too!)

The Royals, Episode 2
Listen to what Cyrus says, not what he does.

“You have no time, you have now. You’re one breath away from the greatest throne on Earth and you’re squandering it all on schoolboy crushes and pints of beer in the pub. And while nobody — and I mean nobody — appreciates indulgences and excesses as much as I do, the fact that you fail to recognize the magnitude of what is slipping away from you is astounding to me. Because it either means you’re too stupid to understand it, or you don’t care. And I have nothing but contempt and disdain for either one.

Men would kill to stand where you’re standing. I would kill for it. And your father is going to end it all if you don’t figure it out.”

Corporate Synergy
When Queen Helena threatened to move the British family to America and have Liam’s future wedding in the Hamptons, she mentioned that Diane von Furstenberg could design the royal wedding dress. Diane is a Belgium-born former-royal who is an icon in American fashion design; her most iconic silhouette is her signature wrap dress. Can you imagine a wrap wedding dress?!? House of DVF also airs on E!

The Royals, Episode 2
I’m smiling with my mouth, by murdering you with my eyes.

When Ophelia tries to out-drink Gemma, she says something to the effect of “I’ve been to Kentucky … welcome to my world.” Before throwing down a bottle of bourbon and challenging her to a drinking contest. Why didn’t Canadian Ophelia bring over Canadian whiskeys like Canadian Club or Crown Royal?

(and later, TV LOLs when she barfs on Liam. In the land of TV, people vomit a quaint mouthful; whereas in the real world, it’s a geyser straight from the belly of the beast.)

The Royals, Episode 2
Didn’t Lord Grantham have this same scene with a maid in Season 1 of Downton Abbey?

So we’re to believe that the “highly serviceable” maid, Prudence, is also the royal tartmaker? It seems that Cyrus isn’t the only royal with eyes for the pouty-lipped help; perhaps King Simon is also keen on her … tarts. But look out your highness; this cat has got something deadly in her bag! Mee-ouch! If the help can get a Glock into the castle in one’s purse, perhaps Ophelia’s dad needs to rethink his security screening protocols…

We learn that the King of Hearts is the only king in a deck of cards without a mustache, proving once again that no one hearts a mustache.
This week we take a break from Shakespeare to learn a few lines from F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby,
“The loneliest moment in someone’s life, is when they’re watching their whole world fall apart and all they can do is stare blankly.”

Yummy Mummy
Queen Helena and Captain Lacey, who we met at the Garden Party have something scintillating going on!
Queen Helena: “I want to personally thank you for your service and sacrifice.”
Cpt. Lacey: “It is my pleasure to service the queen.”
And the Hosier song (Arsonist’s Lullaby) playing in the background is so hot!!!

The Royals, Episode 2
don’t f@#$ with a f@#$er

And who doesn’t love Cyrus banging the closeted committee/ Parliament/ whatever member and then blackmailing him? Cyrus is getting more and more interesting — he’ll do whomever he needs to get what he wants, he’s a bigger drug pusher than Eleanor or his daughters and he is everyone’s eyes and ears. Even though Cyrus is slightly murderous towards everyone in line ahead of him for the crown, he’s still ready to defend the monarchy. He’d rather be 4th in line for the British grown than 400th in line for a normal job.

Like The Royals? Read more here!
The Royals, Episode 1
All Hail E!’s New Queen, Elizabeth Hurley

all images © E! Entertainment.


  1. Did anyone notice that the goodie-two-shoes Ophelia slammed down a bottle of Black Jack Daniels Tennessee whiskey and called it Kentucky bourbon??? Idiot.

    • I stand corrected. I’m the idiot. It was Eagle Eye bourbon. No more cocktails before I watch the show next time! I guess I’m too much of a black jack fan….I see it everywhere.

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