It’s our last week in L.A. Dance Moms nation and Abby says it’s gonna be a big one. More choreography than ever to contend with (which makes Melissa suck her teeth) and we’re down a major player. Our Maddie is guest starring – like, legit, acting —on Disney’s Austin and Ally and that, people, is a honkin’ deal.
It also means we need a swing for the team; let’s meet our prospective swingers now! Oh hey, Sarah and Tracey. Back for more punishment, huh? How exciting! Right, Sarah?!
Kira’s equally excited. Both Sarah and Mystery Girl are from Kalani’s original studio in Arizona and she and Tracey have a past — including on Dance Moms — a bit of which we relive in dramatic black and white.
Mystery Girl’s mom is named Ashlee, and Kira informs us that she might look like a sweet blond Barbie lady, but she’s actually a world-class sh*t-talker. Takes one to know one, perhaps? And anybody else enjoy the “Please watch your step” sign behind her head.
Watch your step, indeed.
Ashlee’s daughter, Brynn, is completely adorable and makes a nicely smiley pal for Big Mac. See?
Abby says something about Brynn reminds her of Maddie.
Nia is bottom of the bottom because her mother is yucky and therefore Nia could not dance with the group. Jo Jo is next. It’s a numbers game. Fifth in the competition, fifth spot on the pyramid, acts like a 5-year-old…
Jess ain’t having it. Jo Jo did a good job, she says.
But she didn’t watch the movie. She was given a (completely asinine and inappropriate) assignment and she didn’t complete it.
Jessalyn — who is momentarily my favorite mother in the group because this show loves to screw with my head — defends her choices and her kid.
Abby makes this face.
Jessalyn doesn’t bend. Abby decides that means she thinks she’s too good for the ALDC and tears down Jo Jo’s photo. The kids tears up. Abby says no crying children. Jo Jo says if you yell at her, she’s going to cry. Them’s the facts.
Aaaaaand we’re down two dancers. I’m hard pressed to think by accident. “My kid would never do that!” crows Melissa.
But we haven’t heard the last of Jo Jo.
Because you talked back.
Well, no. All Abby does is yell. The show would be 100% crying. I mean besides those of us who watch it.
Plus, mama doesn’t want off the gravy train just yet, so go say you’re sorry.
Because. Do it, little girl.
Back to the pyramid.
Surprisingly, Maddie is next. She led the group dance, ya da ya da, and we’re moving on. Next is Kalani, who stood out for Abby in the group dance. Kendall gets the top of the top — wait, where was Big Mac? — because even though she didn’t win, she danced through the drama with her music crapping out.
Speaking of drama, look who knows how to make an entrance. Little Miss prom queen marches back into line, chin held high and says she’s sorry for not watching the movie with all the sincerity of Tommy Nolan inviting Carrie to the prom. Abby accepts it anyway. Jill wants to know why the hell she had to parade on back in in the middle of Abby finally saying something good about Kendall.
This week we’re going to Starbound National Talent competition in Fallbrook — we’re getting the heck outta L.A.. And what say we take a message dance with us? How’s about couple of them?
Since all we’ve done is feud lately, duet #1 will celebrate that little misunderstanding between Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding. Kalani’s Nancy. Sarah is Tonya. Yay, Kira! Kalani’s the good guy! No? No yay?
Tracey says Kira is more like Tonya than her Sarah. From you, lady, Kira takes it as a compliment.
Our next feuding duo? Big Mac playing Lucille Ball and Jo Jo playing Ethel Mertz. For real. Melissa loves it to the point of hysteria. The children beam, even though they probably have no flying idea who Lucy and Ethel are. Seriously, Abby. Of this century, please? And also, how are Lucy and Ethel a feud?
Nia and Kendall are left out again. It doesn’t escape Jill’s notice.
No solos this time. Instead we will do two small groups. One is a “Sad Clown” dance called No Laughing Matter. Brynn, Mac, Kalani and Sarah will be the sad clowns. The other small group will be based on Moulin Rouge, as in the Christina, Pink, Mya, Lil’ Kim version. Er, I think you mean, Lady Marmalade from Moulin Rouge, there, Ab, but whatever. Kendall, Nia, Jo Jo and Mac will do this one.
Because there are so many dancers, a guest choreographer will be helming Moulin Rouge, which makes the mothers mad.
While Gia manages the Sad Clown dance — which for some reason, will have “lovely costumes” — the moms gossip in the mom room. Jill says that L.A. has been nothing like what they were promised. Holly chimes in. Same old same old. Newbies come and go. Blah blah blah. Someone poke me when someone says something new.
To facilitate the process, Jill decides to poke the Arizona beehive and ask Ashlee, Tracey and Kira what gives with their collective animosity. Super-competitive studio says Ashlee. You wouldn’t understand. <choke>
Meanwhile, Abby gets a Very Important Phone Call and holds up her phone so we can all hear it. It’s from Blake Morris, Dadager of Internet sensation MattyB. MATTY B?! Matty B! Squeeee!
Who is Matty B? Am I supposed to know this? Especially since I know who Lucy, Ethel, Nancy, Tonya AND Lil Kim are? No, I should not. MattyB is a pink-cheeked, cherubic little rapper in a nice argyle sweater, yo. Who really should be learning much better grammar than that.
Anyway, hi MattyB! Hi! We looove you!
Turns out MattyB needs a nice girl for his vid and he’d like the ALDC ladies to audition. But oh no! Since the gig also requires some singing, Mackenzie is the logical candidate, but she already has a recording contract. So why would she promote another artist? Unless. Unleeesssssss …it’s MattyB featuring MackZ. Ooooohhhh! Melissa likes the sound of that. Jill does not. Abby tells her to shut up.
The next day we talk about what a rude beastie Abby is and how if your kid’s name doesn’t begin with an M, you’re SOL. Especially concerning MattyB.
Then we check in with Molly Long who is putting together the Moulin Rouge dance. Molly taught booty camp and passed muster with Abs. She’s happy about this dance, too.
So Melissa, what gives with the MattyB sitch, anyhow? Mack’s music producer says no-go. Backward steps. Then step aside, lady, and let someone else’s kid have a chance. MattyB has 1 billion views and that would be a big shot in the arm.
Oh. Er. A billion? Well maybe it’s not a backward step. Whatever kind of step it is though, it should be one made by an ALDC dancer, not a Jo Jo or a Brynn. And so there. Tracey begs to differ.
Lucy and Ethel work on their dance while the mothers move on to how Jo Jo survived giving Abby lip. We decide it was a no-win situation. They usually are, ladies. They usually are. Also, Tonya Harding’s kinda Abby’s kinda gal.
Company! We’ve got company, people!
For their lead, they’re looking for someone with the essence of a child, says Marshall. Someone who can sing and dance. The girl who wants the job the most.
In addition to the lead, there are also three level-two dancers and the rest are relegated to level three. Abby says she will never let Mack take the job if she’s not the lead.
The pair, plus Erik something or other, who we’ve also seen before, say Jo Jo is a great performer. Brynn looks down too much. Kendall is strong. Her love for MattyB alone might drive her to the top. Kalani gets called a pin-up. Yikes. Nia botches her death drop. Sarah has an older vibe. Mack just looks uncomfortable.
Now let’s sing.
Nia and Kendall are good. Sarah and Brynn not so much. Kalani’s pretty rough, too. Jury’s out on Jo Jo. Mackenzie does OK, too.Looks like a shootout between Mackenzie and Jo Jo for the lead. Jo Jo out-wanted it. Mack seemed entitled.
Let’s shoot. Heeeeeeey! There he is!
Uh, caption guy? That’s Matty. Not Maddie. But Maddie’s here, too, turns out. Melissa, you conniving beast, says Jill. Let’s get the results.
Marshall says the third tier is “Brynn, Kindle and Serah.” The waitresses will be Nia, Jo Jo and Kalani. Mack gets the lead. But Jo Jo’s part was written just for her, so that. Everyone seems happy.
Wow. How gorgeous is Kalani? Let the milkshakes bring everyone together.
Isn’t this day so much fun?! And no Abby to spoil it! So let’s ruin the hell out of that! Melissa calls Abby to tell her that Mack got the lead.
A: As in lead billing?
M: Dunno. But … the lead.
A: Don’t sign anything.
Me: Oh oh.
Hey, Abby! S’up?!
And the reason your talent was here with the camera crew from your reality show in tow, but you weren’t here to make sure the i’s were dotted and the t’s crossed is … because this is all a bunch of B.S. designed to show us what a bad-ass, totes legit manager you are?
Stink eye on you, Melissa. Stank eye, too.
Abby is adamant: Melissa is an idiot. Blake and MattyB need us. We don’t need them. Righty-o. Those billion YouTube views were because the universe knew they would be working with an Abby Lee minion someday. Unless MackZ gets top billing in the MattyB vid, the whole shooting’ match is off. Whatever will happen???
New episodes of Dance Moms premiere Tuesday nights at 9/8CT on Lifetime.