Recap: The Bachelor Episode 5 – New Mexico brings out the crazy

The Bachelor episode 5 recap

recap of episode 1 of The Bachelor Chris SoulesThis week’s recap of The Bachelor Episode 5 finds Chris Soules, a.k.a. Prince Farming, taking the 11 remaining ladies to New Mexico. Meagan, the “smartest” of the bunch was really excited to relocate because she has “never been out of the country,” and wants to see what kind of hats New Mexican people wear. Oh, Meagan.

Anyway, the band of sister girlfriends and their man travel to Santa Fe, dubbed the “perfect place to fall in love,” (along with every other Bachelor destination ever) in the hopes of building greater connections and strengthening relationships … blah, blah, blah. The real importance of Santa Fe is that it brought out the crazy in every one of the hopeful wives.

Starting off the week, Carly, the annoying cruise ship singer from Texas, receives the first date. Carly and Chris arrive at a home complete with a meditating sex guru in the backyard. Typical first date stuff. Chris senses that this date is about to be sups awks and is “a little concerned with how weird this [date] is going to get.” His concerns are completely warranted.The Bachelor Episode 5

The sex guru wastes no time and moves faster than Ashley I. (the fake virgin) is ready. Carly begins to follow the guru’s instructions and she explores Chris’ body and stimulates his senses with fruit and chocolate. Carly notes that this date is weird because she has to “jump right in wearing really weird rags,” and Chris agreed adding, “this is really awkward and weird” – both accurate statements.

Carley_love_therapistThe real weirdness begins when Carly is asked to sit on Chris’ lap face-to-face and breathe on him. Carly and Chris start feeling each other up with the odd guru-lady coaching them. The whole thing is just weird AF, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how bad it would be if their breath stank. I really hope they both brushed their teeth that morning. It was so awkward and uncomfortable and strange and just so WEIRD.

OK, back to the date … Carly and Chris actually talk on their date (an unusual occurrence for Chris) and Carly shares her deep-rooted fears of intimacy. Carly also discusses her desires to feel beautiful, and Chris handles the situation well. By the end of the date, Carly feels good about her bond with Chris, and Chris said that Carly would “be the best wife you could ever ask for.” I still am not a fan of Carly. No self-respecting woman wears a side ponytail in 2015. Like 2007 was the side ponytail’s prime and now it needs to go. Get with it Carly.

Bachelor-group_date2Moving on, the group date takes the girls whitewater rafting. Meagan continues to display her incredibly low IQ and questions the contents of the river. Meagan still does not know what country she is in. Do they have maps where she is from?

Following the outdoor activity, the girls go to a hotel where a surprise awaits Chris. Jordan, the one who was always hammered, returned to beg for a second chance. Upon Jordan rejoining the throng of Chris-lovers, the true colors of the remaining girls start to show.

Ashley I. begins to act like a legit 7th grader and calls for all the girls to “not be nice” to Jordan. A self-described Kardashian, Ashley I. says she doesn’t see Chris with a girl like Jordan. Yet, Ashley I. sees herself living on a farm in Iowa … I would love to see that happen. Ashley I. also does the sassiest eye roll in history and I somewhat appreciated it. Nevertheless, I’m still an Ashley I. hater.

Continuing with the maturity of a 7th grade school dance, Ashley I. and Whitney get into a fight because Ashley I. thinks Whitney is fake. But, let us not forget that Ashley I. is the girl who wears fake lashes, has a fake tan, wears hair extensions and is a fake virgin. But, you know, she’s so real.

Jordan is sent home for the second time.

Back at the house, Britt receives a one-on-one card. However, what interests me is the fact that Carly begs Britt to take a shower, and she said that Britt “hasn’t showered in weeks.” UM EXCUSE ME WHAT? Britt, honey, no no no. You have to shower. That’s not an optional thing. I still like Britt so I’m going to forget about that whole hygiene thing but what I’m not going to forget about is the fact that she wears full makeup to bed. Who has time for that? I guess she has extra time from not showering or something.

Bachelor-hot-air-webChris comes to the house, wakes Britt up, whisks her away and the two fly off on a perfect date in a hot air balloon. The duo then takes things back to his hotel room, yes his hotel room and as Britt said, “the date started in bed and ended in bed.” According to Britt they just took a nap, but with a bachelor as horny as Chris, anything could have happened behind those closed doors.

While Britt is away with Chris, the other girls take the time to rip apart Britt’s life. What a nice group of ladies. Carly and Ashley I. (shocker) lead the anti-Britt bandwagon and discuss Britt’s statement that she does not want to rush into getting married or having children and enjoys the single life. While this makes me question Britt’s motives, I don’t really care because the information came from Ashey I. — a 12-year-old stuck in a wannabe Kardashian body.

Before the cocktail party, Kelsey decides that it is time to share her tragic story with Chris. She cries a little and then makes out with Chris. The whole thing was so messed up. First of all, who tells their boyfriend (kinda) about their late husband’s sudden death and makes out with him after? And second, who refers to their tragic loss as an “amazing story.” The answer to both questions is literally “NO ONE!.” Well, other than Kelsey.

At the cocktail party, the tension is unreal, and many of the girls appear extremely nervous. But, Kelsey seems really calm and this worries the other women. Chris then enters the room and appears shaken up. He begins to give a speech but has a hard time finishing and leaves the room. This sends Kelsey into total freak mode and she ends the night having a panic attack on the floor.

While Chris and Kelsey are legit freaking out/dying, the rest of the girls sit and complain about how sad all of their stories are and some (Ashley I.) even begin to cry. The episode ends with the dreaded to be continued …

Can’t. Wait. For. Next. Week.

1 Comment

Comments are closed.