Jimmy Kimmel takes over Episode 3 of The Bachelor (original airdate Jan. 19), and he absolutely rocks it. Thank you Jimmy Kimmel, thank you.
The episode begins with Jimmy waking up Prince Farming (Chris Soules) and surprising the Bachelor with a cup of coffee … how nice.
Jimmy then goes to the house of the “sister wives” and declares that the only way to pick who is right for Chris is for him to “[make] love to each one of you.” Jimmy also creates a new house rule: Every time the word “amazing” is said (and believe me, it’s a lot), a dollar must be put in the newly created “Amazing Jar.” The Amazing Jar makes more money in one episode than most do in 10 hours … it was like so amazing.
Jimmy also delivers the first date card to Kaitlyn, the firecracker from Vancouver. Kaitlyn assumes from the date card that she would be going on an extravagant bachelor-style date, instead, the limo pulls up to Costco #averagelifegoals. While the date seems lame and momish, Chris and Kaitlyn make the most of the location and turn the date into a trial run for real life. They also pick up a year’s supply of mayonnaise and ketchup for Jimmy.
Kaityln (pictured left) and Chris finish shopping and return to Chris’ mansion where they cook and kiss a lot, because that’s pretty much all Chris likes to do on dates. Then, Jimmy shows up and the party really starts.
First off, Jimmy Kimmel is the best third wheel ever, and I want to hire him to go on dates with me. Kimmel wastes no time and asks Kaitlyn about the fantasy sweet and hall passes. Kaitlyn seems to be into it and says to Chris, “you can’t pick out a car without test driving it first,” giving Chris permission to do what he probably would have done anyways. Jimmy agrees and jokingly advises Chris to “try to have sex with everyone.”
But, the best part of the entire episode — well, maybe the second best part — was when Kaitlyn and Chris were making out in the hot tub and Jimmy Kimmel was on the other side eating chicken wings. Can’t get better than that.
Then came the group date. OK, group dates suck, but this one was exceptionally bad. Jimmy dubs the theme of the day a “hoedown throwdown,” and explains the crazy farm-themed obstacle course to the hopeful contestants. The girls were expected to shuck corn, find an egg, fry that egg, milk a goat, drink that milk, shovel manure, and then wrestle a pig.
Jillian gets crazy competitive, along with Carly, and the two duke it out until the end of the contest. Per usual, Jillian’s ass hangs out of her shorts and she flexes her manly muscles every chance she can get. Her parents must be so proud.
Carly wins, however, and gets to take a photo with Chris to commemorate her victory.
The group then migrates to a cocktail party and Carly starts the night off with a bang. Apparently, discussing the fact that Carly is a “woman” and the fact that Chris is a “man” is a pick-up line, and the two start making out. But I guess when you’re dating Chris you don’t need a pick up line to get some lip action. Sorry, not sorry. Chris you’re a slut.
The whole group date made me scream at my TV. Chris literally kisses everyone. EVERYONE. Well actually, not everyone.
Thank god for Becca (pictured left). Becca you are my only hope. She actually has a conversation with Chris, and tells him that he is “the type of guy [her family] would want [her] to bring home.” Becca, unlike everyone else, straight-up tells Chris that she doesn’t want to kiss him, and she actually gets the rose. Even though I’m a little mad at Chris right now for being a player, I respect his decision to give Becca the rose.
Next, Chris takes Whitney on date to a winery. The date does not go as planned, and Whitney and Chris spontaneously decide to crash a wedding. Whitney uses YOLO in context and it physically pained me.
Chris is probably the worst wedding crasher ever, but Whitney (pictured) makes up for it with her ability to lie and pretend to be a made-up person — qualities every man looks for in a wife. The wedding crashing thing was overall a little weird, but — whatever — they made it work. Whitney gets the rose and Chris kisses her (surprise!!).
Jimmy switches things up and replaces the cocktail party with a pool party. Ashley got upset; she had her “Kardashian” look all picked out for the cocktail party. What a bummer.
Juelia (pictured below) decides to discuss her husband’s suicide with Chris, and the two share an emotional and heart-felt conversation. Chris consoles her and shows a hint of the nice farmer guy we all knew and loved from Andi’s season.
Then, Chris, the sluttiest farmer in America, returns. He kisses Britt, and then he takes Jade on a tour of his house and makes out with her in his bed. After he is done with Jade, he kisses Jillian in his hot tub.
What comes next is the best part of the night: Ashley I.’s breakdown. Upon watching Jillian and Chris make out, Ashley I. storms off, drops her drink, and returns to the house in tears. Chris then talks to her and she starts crying again. Ashley I. proves to be the most high-maintenance girl in America. However, in the midst of her tears, Chris and Ashley I. begin to make out on the balcony. Chris may or may not need a leash to keep him from getting with the girls.
The night ends with a rose ceremony, and Amber, Trina, Tracy and Jimmy Kimmel are sent home.
Jimmy and Amber shed some tears, Tracy went out with class, and no one even knows who Trina is so who cares.