Do the Alaskan Bush People get paid? We asked! Read our interview with the Brown family.
On the Season 2, Episode 2 (Jan. 9) installment of Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People, after the Brown family narrowly avoids disaster on the high seas, they seek help from an old friend.
We resume the Brown family saga with the family docked in Meyers Chuck, population 12, with two boats, one of which has a bum engine. They’re stuck here for a little bit, but thank the Sweet Lord in Heaven they “Escaped” the city of Ketchikan, armpit of Alaska and newly discovered circle of Hell.
Billy radios out for help, and he just happens to catch someone he knows sailing the nearby waters. Yes, Carl “Popeye” Crome, captain of the fishing vessel Lara Lee, “just heard something” and answered the call. Like a lot of people who’ve helped the Browns along the way, Popeye is a terrible actor. He’s got only a few more days left to fish, and he’s going to piss them away helping out the Browns. I hope Popeye received a few cans of spinach from the producers as an appearance fee.
“In the bush, all you need are good friends and the Good Lord,” says Billy, forgetting that they also needed guns, ammunition, boats, gasoline, chainsaws, dentists, lumber, a generator and a cable TV network willing to bankroll this whole circus.
Season 2 Recaps: Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 | Episode 8 | Wild Times | Episode 9 | Episode 10 | Episode 11 | Episode 12 | Episode 13 | Episode 14 | SHARK WEEK! | Episode 15 | Episode 16 | Lost Footage | The Wild Year
After loading up, The Osprey and the Lara Lee (nobody doesn’t like Lara Lee) set sail for their new property on Chichagof Island, henceforth known as Chicago Island, because that is easier to spell. The boat with the blown motor, The Lorcan, will be left behind at Meyers Chuck until they can figure out what to do with it. Now the Browns are abandoning their garbage boats on the good dozen people of Meyers Chuck. I hope they band together and scuttle that thing out of spite.
The Browns’ new property on Chicago Island is described by Snowbird as “A land so magical that you could see fairies come out and you wouldn’t be surprised.” Um, Birdy. Those ain’t fairies.
Chicago Island is infested with bears. In fact, I’m calling it Chicago Bears Island from now on. The Chicago Bears are my favorite football team, but they are terrible and I hate them, so it’s perfect.
The Osprey is trailing the Sara Lee and all seems to be going well. Then skipper Bam notices that the skiff they were towing got loose while Matt was sleeping wherever the hell he pleases. Matt tied a lousy knot. Bam turns the boat around, and Matt and Noah wrangle the skiff and secure it to The Osprey.
Bam loses his cool because his brothers are idiots. Billy calls out Bam and gives him a fatherly talking-to for being “way overboard,” but Bam probably didn’t go far enough, in my opinion. Had I been captain of The Osprey, I would’ve made Matt sleep in the skiff.
The boats will be passing through treacherous Frederick Sound, known for running ships aground. Will I continue this sea chanty rhyme? Not today, mateys. Perhaps another time.
As the boats are passing through Frederick, dense fog sets in, and Bam loses sight of the Sara Lee. ABANDON SHIP! EVERYONE EXCEPT MATT SWIM TO THE SKIFF! Naw, just kidding. Nothing happens.
At last, the Browns arrive on Chicago Bears Island, which admittedly is a very beautiful place. I could totally see it being opened to fracking, strip-mining or oil drilling in the next few years. Bear goes running onto the beach like a crazy man. HE’S DOING HIS AWESOME AND EXTREME THING, YOU GUYS! It would be kind of extreme and ironically awesome if the first Brown eaten by a brown bear on Chicago Bears Island would be the one named Bear.
But the time for ooing and ahhing over their lovely beachfront property is short. They have five hours to build a base camp before dark.
Bear and Matt go scouting for water. They find a clear, pristine stream. This is God’s country. Here they will establish a Hamm’s brewery.
Oh, and there are bears, too! Bear spots fresh tracks. The Browns round up a posse to scout for bears. Gabe spots one not far off. (Are those bear feces on the ground? I guess we know the answer to the bear and the woods thing…?) There’s an 8-foot brown bear that seems to be circling their camp. Matt says “our perimeter has been breached.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure your family just stepped off that boat and breached the bear’s perimeter. Matt should be made to fight the bear!
The Browns pitch a 20×20 canvas tent in the clearing that will sleep all nine of them and Mr. Cupcake. But they all failed to notice a tall dead tree — “a widowmaker” — right next to the place. They’re able to cut and pull it down without incident.
The bear comes to check stuff out while the Browns are sleeping, and it doesn’t sit well with them. They send Bam and Matt out to
get mauled sit on bear watch for the night. Bam and Matt have a man-to-man talk about Bam being smart and Matt being stupid. Matt is way too chill about this whole thing, essentially saying que será, será and everything is always terrible and you younger kids should just relax and enjoy this miserable, edge-of-disaster life our parents have made for us. “The boat is always sinking,” Matt explains. “There will always be something wrong and a reason to panic.”
And next week: There is something wrong and a reason to panic when two of the boys go missing!