Discovery Channel Alaskan Bush People recap: Return to the Wild

Alaskan Bush People Ryan Berenz

Do the Alaskan Bush People get paid? We asked! Read our interview with the Brown family.

On the Season 2, Episode 2 (Jan. 9) installment of Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People, after the Brown family narrowly avoids disaster on the high seas, they seek help from an old friend.

ALSO SEE: Episode recaps, news and more from Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People

Alaskan Bush People recap

We resume the Brown family saga with the family docked in Meyers Chuck, population 12, with two boats, one of which has a bum engine. They’re stuck here for a little bit, but thank the Sweet Lord in Heaven they “Escaped” the city of Ketchikan, armpit of Alaska and newly discovered circle of Hell.

Billy radios out for help, and he just happens to catch someone he knows sailing the nearby waters. Yes, Carl “Popeye” Crome, captain of the fishing vessel Lara Lee, “just heard something” and answered the call. Like a lot of people who’ve helped the Browns along the way, Popeye is a terrible actor. He’s got only a few more days left to fish, and he’s going to piss them away helping out the Browns. I hope Popeye received a few cans of spinach from the producers as an appearance fee.

“In the bush, all you need are good friends and the Good Lord,” says Billy, forgetting that they also needed guns, ammunition, boats, gasoline, chainsaws, dentists, lumber, a generator and a cable TV network willing to bankroll this whole circus.

Alaskan Bush People Season 1 Recaps: Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | The Wild Life

Season 2 Recaps: Episode 1 | Episode 2Episode 3 | Episode 4Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 | Episode 8  | Wild Times | Episode 9 | Episode 10 | Episode 11 | Episode 12 | Episode 13 | Episode 14 | SHARK WEEK! | Episode 15 | Episode 16 | Lost Footage | The Wild Year

After loading up, The Osprey and the Lara Lee (nobody doesn’t like Lara Lee) set sail for their new property on Chichagof  Island, henceforth known as Chicago Island, because that is easier to spell. The boat with the blown motor, The Lorcan, will be left behind at Meyers Chuck until they can figure out what to do with it. Now the Browns are abandoning their garbage boats on the good dozen people of Meyers Chuck. I hope they band together and scuttle that thing out of spite.

The Browns’ new property on Chicago Island is described by Snowbird as “A land so magical that you could see fairies come out and you wouldn’t be surprised.” Um, Birdy. Those ain’t fairies.
bears Chicago Island is infested with bears. In fact, I’m calling it Chicago Bears Island from now on. The Chicago Bears are my favorite football team, but they are terrible and I hate them, so it’s perfect.

The Osprey is trailing the Sara Lee and all seems to be going well. Then skipper Bam notices that the skiff they were towing got loose while Matt was sleeping wherever the hell he pleases. Matt tied a lousy knot. Bam turns the boat around, and Matt and Noah wrangle the skiff and secure it to The Osprey.

Bam loses his cool because his brothers are idiots. Billy calls out Bam and gives him a fatherly talking-to for being “way overboard,” but Bam probably didn’t go far enough, in my opinion. Had I been captain of The Osprey, I would’ve made Matt sleep in the skiff.

The boats will be passing through treacherous Frederick Sound, known for running ships aground. Will I continue this sea chanty rhyme? Not today, mateys. Perhaps another time.

As the boats are passing through Frederick, dense fog sets in, and Bam loses sight of the Sara Lee. ABANDON SHIP! EVERYONE EXCEPT MATT SWIM TO THE SKIFF! Naw, just kidding. Nothing happens.

At last, the Browns arrive on Chicago Bears Island, which admittedly is a very beautiful place. I could totally see it being opened to fracking, strip-mining or oil drilling in the next few years. Bear goes running onto the beach like a crazy man. HE’S DOING HIS AWESOME AND EXTREME THING, YOU GUYS! It would be kind of extreme and ironically awesome if the first Brown eaten by a brown bear on Chicago Bears Island would be the one named Bear.

But the time for ooing and ahhing over their lovely beachfront property is short. They have five hours to build a base camp before dark.

Bear and Matt go scouting for water. They find a clear, pristine stream. This is God’s country. Here they will establish a Hamm’s brewery.

Oh, and there are bears, too! Bear spots fresh tracks. The Browns round up a posse to scout for bears. Gabe spots one not far off. (Are those bear feces on the ground? I guess we know the answer to the bear and the woods thing…?) There’s an 8-foot brown bear that seems to be circling their camp. Matt says “our perimeter has been breached.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure your family just stepped off that boat and breached the bear’s perimeter. Matt should be made to fight the bear!

The Nude House of Wacky People from rae on Vimeo.

The Browns pitch a 20×20 canvas tent in the clearing that will sleep all nine of them and Mr. Cupcake. But they all failed to notice a tall dead tree — “a widowmaker” — right next to the place. They’re able to cut and pull it down without incident.

The bear comes to check stuff out while the Browns are sleeping, and it doesn’t sit well with them. They send Bam and Matt out to get mauled sit on bear watch for the night. Bam and Matt have a man-to-man talk about Bam being smart and Matt being stupid. Matt is way too chill about this whole thing, essentially saying que será, será and everything is always terrible and you younger kids should just relax and enjoy this miserable, edge-of-disaster life our parents have made for us. “The boat is always sinking,” Matt explains. “There will always be something wrong and a reason to panic.”

And next week: There is something wrong and a reason to panic when two of the boys go missing!

16 Comments

  1. Is it me or is every show the same. I mean Billy has been sick before and unable to build the house. In fact if there is work to do billy supervises. The boys are always doing the work and screwing it up.They always seem to have trouble with a boat either it sinks or will not start. The boys are not getting along because Matt and Bama boy both want to be in charge. They are always bartering. Nothing ever is different! It’s BORING! I think I’ve had enough of a this ridiculous show.

  2. Who did the brown vagrants steal money from to by the land they are planing to homested or have the freeloaders snuck up on somebodies land planing to live free again?

    Oh and don’t you hang a deer from its hind legs? I don’t know nothing bout huntin but I thank even picture I have seen the deer is strung up from the hind leggs.

  3. IN the episode where the brown children went to town for building supplies and pizza, this was supposed to be a treacherous one hour boat ride, yet the girls they met in town arrived in a dinky little row boat. How so?

  4. Are they for real on those names? BamBam…..Snowbird…Bear….Dark Cloud…or is it White Cloud.. (I know it’s similar to the White Cloud toilet paper)..Merry Christmas Rain Catherine… and I can’t remember who else.

    And the family name is Wolf Pack?

  5. SO in the latest episode they show the boys go out and set the crab trap, then they go back to get it and get “lost” and have to call for help. LOL where was the film crew filming them picking up the pot that sank underwater that was a big plot of that show,

  6. This is like hippies go camping, the show is so fake.
    They have a huge rent, they eat all store bought food. Their clothes are clean. So far in 2 season we have literally only seen them in the woods for a couple days. They hunt animals out of season that are not in the area.
    Nevermind what they don’t show in TV. Their “wilderness” lot was in a subdivision with a neighbor a couple hundreds of yards away. They have run Utube channels and webpages for years yet they pretend to not know what twitter is or even know what a microwave is. Billy has published several books and they lived in Tennessee and Texas for years…

  7. Was just wondering….Am I the only one who noticed that Christmas (or whatever her name is) was holding a child in 2 of the camera shots shown while they were stuffing moss in the walls of their handy-dandy new Outhouse? I don’t think it was a doll….

    • ok i am equal parts fascinated & repelled by this family. is it all fake, somewhat fake, etc..?! anyway, i have this on demand so i went back & looked at the scene you are talking about & double checked. it was snowbird (the older sister) hugging rain (the younger sister) if you didnt have pause, it was easy not to recognize the other sister. she had put on another jacket & her bottom blended into the scenery so it looked like one was holding the other, but they were both standing & hugging in celebration of getting the outhouse done. and i am spending way too much time on this than is healthy! lol!!!

Comments are closed.

About Ryan Berenz 2001 Articles
Devotee of Star Wars. Builder of LEGO. Observer of televised sports. Member of the Television Critics Association. Graduate of the University of Wisconsin. Connoisseur of beer. Consumer of cheese. Father of two. Husband of one. Scourge of the Alaskan Bush People. Font of Simpsons knowledge. Son of a Stonecutter.