A new year, a new obsession-worthy show. If you’ve like me and caught Big Women: Big Love Episode 1, you’ve already counting down the days until episode 2. It has everything you want in mindless reality TV, beautiful single women (some of them self-loathing) who make questionable choices in their search for love. The only big difference here from other reality shows in TV, is that these women are big.
Like much of the population, these women are overweight. But unlike most reality TV (and much of TV in general) this demographic has been largely ignored, or relegated to the role of comedy relief / sidekick. But now, Lifetime is putting the lives of plus-size pretties in the starring role as their searches for love (and the bucket-loads of drama that result) find the spotlight.
Let’s meet the ladies…
Jenn, age 26 (Los Angeles, CA)
Jenn’s a baby-voiced brunette who didn’t start dating until age 25 when she had her first kiss and lost her virginity in quick succession.
Jenn says that bigger girls are better planners as she gets ready for a date (with a guy she met online). She does yoga-like poses in front of her mirror to make sure that her clothes will keep all of her bits covered while she and he date go bowling.
It’s too bad that has to be part of her wardrobe consideration, because she ends up in the least cute of all of the outfits she tries on. (I would have gone for the polka dot dress; she’s such a terrible bowler that if she can’t be athletic, at least she should have looked cute.)
Mar, age 26 (Clifton, NJ)
Blue-haired Mar has dated Rickie on and off for a year, but after a disastrous weekend get-away that culminated with them getting kicked out of, and banned for life from a casino (?!?) she’s ready to dump him to the curb and move on.
“I want my happy ever after”
Mar looks like she lives at home with her large family. And her party-girl personality reminds me of another Jersey resident, Nicole “Snookie” Polliozi.
Over on her dating blind date, Jenn’s date chooses the nickname “Juicy” for her. Jerk. And then he takes a slo-mo video of her piss-poor bowling. She could try a little harder to not be a bad bowling cliché, but her date is such gutter ball, she should just drop and run. Even if there are curly fried and mozzarella sticks.
Mar goes out with her “thin” friends. And her getting ready is intense because she thinks, if you’re fat, you have to look flawless.
“I wear Bajas, which are Spanish for girdles.” Bajas are so intense that they make Spanx look like a muumuu. I need some bajas, now. After she stuff herself into her girdle, she and her friends down shot after shot. Booze = calories, ‘ya know? According to Livestrong.com, a shot of vodka has about 110 calories per 1.5 oz. pour. Those calories star adding up when you add things like juice or make them jumbo sized.
Kristi, age 34 (Fort Worth,Texas)
The beauty with the shiny, shiny, shiny hair is a dating single mom to 3-year-old daughter, Kayla. Kristi lives with her mom, who often babysits her granddaughter so Kristi can go out. I do feel a bit like Kristi could have been on Teen Mom, because even though she’s in her thirties, she acts like a teen.
When she goes out with her hot sisters-in-law, the SILs are the ones who get hit on. Kristi admits she’s not a “Texas Ten,” but I bet it sucks to be treated like the wing man when you’re the one flying point. Kristi’s ballsy though, and takes a group of guys to task when they are more interested in her smokin’ (literally) sisters saying, “You put me next to them and I don’t have a a chance.”
At the club, Mar is on the prowl. She hits on one sexy guy and runs into an ex-lover, who doesn’t even seem like he’s into her until she starts sucking his face.
Sabrina age 31, (Brooklyn , NY)
“I dress mannequins all day long, but sometimes I have a hard time dressing myself.” says the fashion-lover of the industry that seems to despise her size.
She goes on lots of dates but says “I’m the Queen of the first dates, I’d like to become the queen of the second date.”
She likes skinny, nerdy white guys and is set up by a friend on a date with vegan Yosi. For Ethiopian food. That looks like poop. After a few bites, her belly revolts against the revolting food. Sabrina’s reaction to meeting her date is priceless: “Oh great, another guy I can be a giant next to,” and she does a lol impression of her being a slo-mo giant. She is too funny, and consider a career in stand up comedy; but she needs to date taller men.
Jenn has a group of larger-sized girlfriends that she gets dating advice from. She tells them, “I’m a person, I deserve love. There’s someone who likes me for me. I know he’s out there somewhere”
Over eating Ethiopian food, Sabrina’s tummy rolls roil, her date tries to get her to visualize the toxins being released buy her “Budding flower.” Say what? Girl heads to the bathroom for a cleansing barf. And nothing puts the “real” in “Reality TV” like a woman wearing a microphone vomiting loudly.
Mar is a hairdresser at a salon called the WHAIRhouse. (I had to rewind my DVR twice because I thought it was called “Whorehouse.” She has some salon talk with other stylists who rag on her for having a date with Richie later that night. I know it’s done for TV, but if I was a customer in the chair and my stylist was getting distracted by other stylists coming in and gabbing, I’d be turned off.
Kristi heads out to meet a guy she’s met online. She says that she has to work harder to be flirtier, more inappropriate and funnier than thinner girls just to catch a guy’s eye. We meet Jason, Kristi’s crush “I credit him for opening my up sexually.” Although this is the first time they’ve met, they’ve had lots of phone sex and spicy texting. Is this how people date now? I think having phone sex in my parents house would be way more awkward than real sex in my parents house. And I just vomited in my mind.
Back to Kristi, who enjoys lots of sexy kissing with Jason in the bar, but Jason’s non-moving hands make it seem like this could be his first kiss with a real, live, woman. Kristi isn’t Ms. Suave either: she delivers the epic come-on line at right –>
Since Kristi lives at home and has a young daughter, there can be no sleepover (Where does Jason live and why can’t a sleepover happen at his house?)
Mar’s picks up Richie who looks like a cross between a Hispanic Spike Lee (in the Mars Blackmon era) and a nerdy Johnny Depp. On a skateboard. And Mar likes him. She knows he’s not the guy for her, but she’s not sure how to end things with him. He takes her to a fancy and beautiful restaurant and she’s starting to feel bad for wanting to break up with him (and cheating on him the night before). Despite his loser exterior, he turns out to be incredibly sweet.
Mar reveals that she and her ex hooked up (after totally lying and saying that they only talked!) and Richie freaks out. Their break up is messy (this show comes from producer SallyAnn Salsano, who also produced Jersey Shore and Freak Out, so she knows hot dramaz) Love it!
This season we meet the last of the “Big Women” (we haven’t yet met Jessica) when they attend a seminar called “Supersize your love life.” And based on the preview clip, the drama gets out of high gear once the ladies leave their home owns and take LA by storm! (and we mean catfight-storm! Cloudy with a 100% chance of claws!)