In the first 2 episodes of Dating Naked, we’ve had a couple who acted like an old married couple, and a woman, who might have had sex with two of her three dates, but probably didn’t. What craziness will Dating Naked have for us tonight?
Let’s meet this week’s daters….
Age 28, from New York
Was in relationship for 5 years
“I’m hoping to meet my true love on this island” If alcohol or sunburn are your true loves, you have a chance m’lady.
Age 26, from Pennsylvania but lives in New Jersey.
Was also in a 5-year relationship.
“People think I’m muscle bound”
Thank goodness, Keegan matched his Tiffany blue shirt to his shoes. Because if he was wearing one without the other, it would look asinine.
I have to admit, Keegan looks amazing naked! If Tom Cruise and The Rock made a baby, it would be Keegan.
Keegan And Diane’s first date is romantic spearfishing.
Stabbing fish isn’t my idea of fun, clothed or not. And as they’re frolicking under the sea, they keep showing shots of fish that look remarkably like Nemo’s friends. Finding Nemo would have been a totally different movie if Keegan and Diane were around with their fish-murdering spears instead of a dentist with a mesh bag.
The good thing about wearing goggles is it gives you plenty of underwater peeks at each others’ noonie. It also allows you to see fish and apparently Keegan hates fish. And Pixar. And children. He stabs a fish that looks like Dory, and makes the three children watching Naked Dating cry. Diane spears a fish, perhaps a red snapper, which is a tasty fish. And never animated.
They mount a giant catamaran to cook their spoils of the sea. They throw the fish into a Panini press and promptly ignore it. And Diane and Keegan ignore each other. They’re not vibing and decide to turn in early. Alone.
Diane hopes that her second date is a better communicator. Keegan was a dud in the dialogue department. She meets Dan, a geek who upon seeing a naked woman, develops diarrhea of the mouth. Skinny bro can’t stop talking. Dude, shut up for a second! Let her tell you how much her first date sucked. You stand a chance!
Dan insists that he’s not a virgin. Phew, because I was worried. But he is inexperienced which is annoying but sweet. His date with Diane is stand-up paddle boarding. But as we’re learning, Dan isn’t the sporty type so it becomes sit-down paddle boarding which is like canoeing, but with your legs spread as wide as humanly possible. Diane coyly performs side-saddle paddle boarding, which is as physically inefficient as it is fun to say. Side-saddle paddle boarding. Side-saddle paddle boarding.
Keegan’s second date is with Jessie. She’s totally beautiful, but again, Keegan’s
shyness lack of IQ prevents him from communicating. Their date is a mud spa. And that basically means rubbing mud on each other. It’s so awkward. Because nothing is sexy about a mud mammogram. But apparently it is sexy for Keegan, because he gets “aroused.” And that’s even more awkward.
Once they’re dirty, and Keegan has thoughtfully made sure that Jessie’s breasts are lump-free, they play mud football. Jessie, the female wrestler, (did I not mention this? She wrestled in high school, which is pretty awesome) tackles Keegan. And we see a lot of unblurred Jessie butt bits. A very, very lot. Waaaaaaaaaay in there.
Dan and Diane paddle to a floating cabana and they get to know each other. He describes a date where he took a woman on an evening helicopter tour of L.A. Diane is melting. If she was wearing panties, she’d be throwing them. But Clueless Dan doesn’t stop talking. Again dude, Shut up! Knowing that Dan is a hopeless romantic (And perhaps rich — helicopter rides aren’t cheap), Diane finds Dan significantly more attractive.
That night, the foursome meets at the Jungle Villa. And Keegan, the fashion king rocks robin’s egg blue shorts. As the group dips their toes in the pool, Dan reveals that he is tasting his first alcoholic drink. This sets Keegan off.
Suddenly we’re transported back to high school and Keegan starts pestering dweeby Dan. When Dan reveals that he has the arcade game of Cruising USA (one of the best arcade games ever), Keegan rolls his eyes. Diane encourages Dan, telling him how awesome that game is, and I’m not sure if she is doing it more to protect Dan or shut up Keegan.
The more aggressive Keegan turns, the less interested Jessie becomes. Oh Keegan, don’t you know that your pretty face can be ruined by an ugly heart?
Keegan meets Katie, an bubbly redhead with an amazing smile. Katie is a tad trashy, which makes her perfect for this show, like a young Caroline Manzo. Upon seeing Keegan, Katie yells, “You’ve gotta be kidding me!” And swears. Their date will be ziplining. Because harnesses and nudity and a woman who curses like a sailor makes sense.
Diane meets Scott, a hottie with the most ridiculous Anch tattoo on his chest. I had to look that word up in the dictionary, so strike one against Scott for his terrible, terrible tattoo. Second, he’s from a town called LaGrange, Illinois, which is right near my hometown. Strike two. He’s a former military man, which Diane loves and I’ll begrudgingly take back a strike. Who doesn’t love a man who serves his country? Their date is horseback riding, and while I love horseback riding, nothing sounds less fun than horseback riding naked. Maybe trampolining naked would be less fun, but horseback riding is up there with things that I would not prefer to do without a sports bra.
Diane and Scott ride ’em along the beach and when they work up a lather, they abandon the horses and take a dip in the ocean.
Over a Keegan and Katie’s date, they zipline. It’s not really a togetherness activity. They take a break to hang out. It’s an odd dichotomy: Ms. Trailer-talk and Mr. Mute. Keegan is repulsed by Katie, but when she suggests that they tandem zip-line, he still says “ok.”
You know when you have a feeling that something terrible is going to happen and you don’t want it to look, but you can’t look away? That was this zip-lining run. I tried telling my TV, “Keegan and Katie, that’s a bad choice,” but like my children, they didn’t listen. They’re like “Yay! Yay! … This is awesome! … Look out for that tree, bam!” Kattie slams into a stopping block, or a zip-line camera, or something with her face. She looked like George of the Jungle. Horrible. And awesome.
Over at Diane and Scott’s date, it’s pretty tame by comparison. They drink beer.
That night, Katie is still injured so the 5 remaining daters drink and hang out. And get wasted. Scott tries to lift Diane up by her ribs, wich looks uncomfortable and we’re back to strke two. But everyone is having a pretty good time. And then injured, black-eyed, hopped-up on narcotics Katie wobbles out and lays into Keegan. I fully expect a montage of Katie’s time on the show to be on this week’s episode of The Soup on E!
At the end of the night, Scott makes out with Katie. Because why not? And once Katie’s face is wet, the makeup comes of. And we see how totally messed her face is! But I have a feeling that this wasn’t Katie’s first shiner. Hopefully Katie is using alcohol as a painkiller, but if my face looked that terrible, I would have stayed in my cabana and had a romantic night with Jack Daniels and Jim Beam. Scott has sobered up enough to catch a glimpse of Katie’s face, so when her back is turned, he flees the pool. Strike three.
The next morning Diane and Dan hang out. He tells her that he was jealous when she paid attention to Scott. And he asks her to pick him in the elimination ceremony. Which is desperate and pathetic and Katie buys it.
At the reveal, Keegan says he had the least connection with Katie. Which his surprising because they were nut to butt when he slammed her face into a tree. That’s pretty connected in my book. Katie isn’t surprised either and launches in to a swear-filled tirade where she tells everyone to suck her d@#$. And several other choice bleeped phrases. She’s such a gracious loser. I like that VH1 blurred Katie’s extended fingers too, because then there were a lot of blurs. Katie then propositioned host Amy Paffrath. Because if she can’t even get a little pity-nookie from the guy who broke her face, maybe the married, female host will be game. Did Katie suffer massive brain damage when her face made out with a tree trunk?
Keegan picks Jessie and she “wouldn’t be opposed” to dating him again. Thanks, I guess?
As Katie storms off, Amy Paffrath, who has been holding it together like the pro that she is, delivers this gem: “Katie, sorry about your face.”
Diane picks Dan because she fell for his line. But Scott and Keegan were such muscle-headed idiots that neither was a prize worth winning.
I guess when I wondered what craziness VH1 and Dating Naked were gifting up with this week, I should have guessed craziness. And a crazy.