Okay Tori fans, we face the penultimate episode of True Tori and we’re elbow deep in Tori finding her voice, Dean looking grizzled, and the kid running around in an adorable herd. I promise that this episode will offer a few reality gems (nothing as epic as “the cat’s ass,”) so if you’re patient in this episode, you will be rewarded.
I”m also trying to build a better timeline of this show, since the opening credits say “3 weeks, 2 cameras, 1 story.” I’ve been feeling that the timelines are a little fuzzy, so I’ll show the dates, as listed in the show in bold, but my own guesses of date in italics. Khul?
Tori paws a bench that she made Dean for their 5th anniversary that reads “Grow Old With Me.” It’s mega wobbly, just like their marriage.
I appreciate that Tori researches the traditional meanings behind anniversary numbers. But I hold a personal belief that home-made gifts should be reserved for children to give to parents. Why? Because kids are broke!
Tuesday April 15-Dean’s been home from rehab for 10 days.
Tori packs the family for a vacation to Lake Arrowhead. Tori wants to get away from reality and focus on her, Dean and the kids. Isn’t that kinda what they’ve been doing for the past 10 days? If Tori would just stop visiting paparazzi-filled strip malls, she could avoid many of the headaches in her life.
Wed, April 16
The next morning, Tori has severe abdominal pains and a migraine. While Tori heads to the hospital with Bobby the producer, Dean stays home with the kids. (Where are their nannies?) I’m totally digging the office phone that they have in their kitchen. I have the same phone in my cube. I also heart the cage with the salmonella-laden bearded dragon on their kitchen counter. How is Dean allowing that health hazard, since, you remember, he’s a chef and all?
Thurs April 17
The next day, Dean visits Tori in the hospital and feeds her ice cream. Remember last episode when Tori said she wants someone to take care of her? Me smells a faker. I know that Cedars Sinai is the kind of hospital where celebs can check-in for a few days of R&R, and while I’m not saying that Tori is 100% faking, it is astronomical the number of celebrities who are admitted there for “exhaustion”-related illnesses and higly suspect that Tori is suddenly ill immediately after she expresses a desire to be taken care of. Hospitals will let you fake it if you’re paying cash.
I’m pretty sure I just saw Dean pick up a live chicken from the floor of their bedroom. So bizarre.
Now Dean gets a taste of what Tori went through for 90 days. And 5 days later, Dean is enjoying the extra time with the kids.
Friday, April 25
After nine days, Tori is released from the hospital. The kids make a welcome home sign and Stella may have a panty liner stuck on her forehead. Not sure.
In a car on the ride home, Tori tells whomever is driving her (can’t tell if it’s one of her GBFFs or a show producer,) about her feelings. Isn’t it strange that Tori has no problem telling everyone around her, except Dean, how she’s feeling? When she’s with Dean, she’s all, “I need to find my voice,” but when she’s with anyone else, she has diarrhea of the mouth. I digress, back to the car. Tori is so mad at Dean but is so in love with Dean for the care that he granted her and the kids while she was sick. “I hate him and love him all at the same time, and it’s all very confusing.”
The kids are overjoyed to see Tori, and Finn’s reaction is absolutely priceless. Nothing is better than an excited baby because what he lacks linguistically, he makes up for with squealing and arm flapping.
Later, Tori and the kids are making a scrapbook. Stella had been telling made-up stories to her class so Tori wants to give her kids memories that are concrete and not immaginary. And she’s crying telling the kids about Dean. They are so weirded out. Stella, “Why are you crying?” Tori, “Because I’m happy.” (Note, Tori has the most unhappy look on her face, which is making her look like a terrible actress. If you can’t convince a 5 year-old that you love Daddy, how are you going to convince the TV audience of ABC Family viewers that you’re a former TV star of a 1990’s detective show?)
While Tori is ugly-crying, Dean comes in and ushers the kids out of the room (nice memory you just made with the kids, Mommy.) Dean starts ugly crying too.
Dean “I’m sorry I ruined out fairy tale romance.” (Which fairy tale was it that started with an affair? Is that Disney’s next princess flick? )
Tori “I believed in us.”
Dean “I still believe in us, I still believe in us. I ruined everything! Everything! We had everything!”
So much ugly crying!!! Thankfully, neither of their roles as actors require much crying, because it’s so heinous.
Then Tori pushes the scrapbook on the floor. It was a crappy scrapbook anyway, made by a child.
Tori “I gave you my heart, I gave you everything.” (ugly face.)
Tori is berating Dean so much that I feel like she’s trying to make him harm himself. Lay off T.
Then they’re screaming at each other. And if you think Tori is an ugly crier, she is an ever uglier yeller.
While they are yelling and ugly crying, who is watching their traumatized children?
This fight was just so filled with so much ugly crying that I thought I’d just put it below for you to enjoy. I’m a giver. : )
Tori is at Dr. Wexler’s office, having a private session. Dr. Wexler encourages Tori to tell her two oldest kids that something is wrong between Mommy and Daddy. Yikes. Was anyone else shocked when they showed the outside of Dr. Wexler’s office. I was dumbbounded by the tackiness! I know, who cares, but I’d envisioned an much more chic Beverly Hills building, rather than the gross 1970’s blue building.
Wednesday, April 29
The next day, Tori and Mehran go shopping so she can get non-medically trained advice as a follow-up from her therapists advice. Tori is wearing a terrible shapeless felt hat. And there are paparazzi. And they’re asking Tori if she’s forgiven Dean. And she’s crying in the store.
Tori and Dean sit down and talk to Stella and Liam about Dean going away to treatment. Heartbreakingly awkward. Liam wants a boy’s night, so he and Dean prance off to sleep somewhere else.
Thurs April 30
Since Tori missed Easter because she was in the hospital, she decided to give her kids diabetes and buy most of the candy in the universe. After scattering what looks like 300 eggs over a grassy area the size of an average sized bedroom (Who is this challenging for?) the kids come out and hunt and are exhausted from bending and collecting eggs while many of the eggs still lay in the grass. If Tori wants to see epic and competitive egg collecting, she should invite the Freeze boys to her next Easter egg hunt, there will be some hip-checking by my giant 4 year-old. Dean is wearing his purple t-shirt for the millionth time in 5 episodes. Maybe one of the Easter eggs will have some new shirts for Dean.
That evening, Tori’s friend Jess comes over and Tori has a fitting for her new show, Mystery Girls. ONe of the dresses is an adorable red and white gingham, but one is terrible, so I hope Tori nixes the blue wonderwoman dress.
Fri May 1
Tori and Dean are at Dr. Wexler’s office. And Dean has a new t-shirt! This one is blue and heathered. Hooray for a new short for Dean, since I don’t think we’ve seen Tori repeat a single item of clothing in 5 episodes, and that’s including pajamas: Tori does her most philosophical thinking, camera confessing and crying, in her PJs. Tori is wearing a jacket that looks like it is made out of and old time-y mattress. Then in the true spirit of Easter, Tori and Dean gift us with one of the most shockingly LOL scenes of the entire Series. They put it in a giant Easter Egg and just laid it in the middle of Dr. Wexler’s couch. Enjoy…I’ll be waiting below.
Hold on, in what way did Dean want to “raise the bar?” Because my filthy mind only goes to one place. You know what I mean, but maybe I’m wrong. What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments.
After Dean storms out, he returns to the session. And he looks like he wants to murder Dr. Wexler. With his eyes. Murder eyes.
Tori “I want a great life, I deserve a great life.” And more ugly crying.
So let’s review the dates: my my estimation it’s perhaps May 1. And Episode 1 started in early April. I’m pretty sure this is longer than 3 weeks. Liars. What else on this show is fake?