Do the Alaskan Bush People get paid? We asked! Read our interview with the Brown family.
In episode 2 of Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People, “Human Wolf Pack,” the five Brown brothers go to scout out girls in a nearby town. The episode premieres on Tuesday, May 13, at 10pm ET/PT.
Season 2 Recaps: Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 | Episode 8 | Wild Times | Episode 9 | Episode 10 | Episode 11 | Episode 12 | Episode 13 | Episode 14 | SHARK WEEK! | Episode 15 | Episode 16 | Lost Footage | The Wild Year
Come back for more, have you? Episode 2 of Alaskan Bush People, “Human Wolf Pack,” starts out with the delivery of the precious lumber that Billy bartered for. But while unloading the wood, Billy slips on a beam and twists his knee. Old Man Brown is out of commission for the day. And they’ll be shorthanded two more boys because they’ve got to send send Bam Bam and Gabe out hunting for a caribou. They’ve got to pay back Lumber Guy Rick before he comes back to repossess the wood and bust up even more knees.
Being stuck in the woods hunting with Gabe is just the worst. The dude is either schizophrenic or a terrible impressionist. After about 10 hours in the cold, Bam shoots a caribou, and the boys field dress it. Lumber Guy is gonna get paid.
Back at home, if you can call it that, the family is low on water. All the natural water sources are useless for drinking or cleaning. (Crappy skinny trees, useless water. Who the hell picked this place?) Matt and Noah are forced to go into town to tap the community’s well. You see, this is becoming less a of show about surviving away from civilization and more of a show about crawling back to civilization for EVERYTHING! But the well isn’t the only thing the boys are looking to tap. Noah likes what he sees in this general store cashier lass, and he even gets digits … of the store in which she works. Noah inquires about the town’s thriving nightlife culture, which consists entirely of this place called Grizzly Pizza (not to be confused with Grisly Pizza, which had to be closed due to health code violations). Noah rates General Store Cashier Lass an 8 out of 10. In the Lower 48, this equals 2.
With the lumber moved to the building site, it’s time to lay the foundation. But the ground is uneven, and they can’t level the floor beams with rocks. Jeez, even the rocks on this land suck. Bam, the smart one, proposes that they dig holes and put pilings into the ground to level this thing, and the measure is passed by the Committee of Brown Men. They fell a large tree before Bear even has a chance to climb it, and cut it into pilings. The ground is too cold to dig, so Bear has to light fires every few feet just to thaw the ground. I can relate to this. Whenever I embark on a household project, I suddenly discover it requires five other preliminary steps before I can even start the original project I intended to do. And then I just say “screw it” and have my house bulldozed to be rid of it forever.
The boys have been working hard (Or hardly working. Get it? Eh? Get it?), so Billy decides to let them go into town together to chase women and spread their seed all over Grizzly Pizza. “When I go out girl hunting, it is just like animal hunting, except I take more time to prepare,” says Gabe. There is also a comparable amount of shooting and field dressing involved. “If you guys bring a girl home, make sure she has her own chainsaw,” says Billy. And my dad always told me to avoid the girls with the chainsaws.
Things go pretty much as expected at Grizzly Pizza. Bear only knows about tree climbing and hole digging, so of course he hits it off with the ladies. Bam, the smart one, likes to swoop in and woo the ladies that his brothers have already repulsed, just so he looks good by comparison. No ladies are coming home with them. No chainsaws, neither. But hey, at least they wasted all that precious time.
The gods punish the boys’ total lack of play by bringing an early snowfall. Our dear narrator wonders if they’ll get their house built before it’s too cold and “they’ll be forced to go back to society.” GOOD GOD, NO! NOT SOCIETY! ANYTHING BUT SOCIETY! This snow does light a fire under the Browns’ arses, and they manage to get the floor and the foundation completed. Billy, whose knee seems to have been magically healed by forest sprites, says that building the rest of the house should go quick and easy.
Good. I hope so. I am already sick of this show.
Photo: Credit: Discovery Channel