True Tori Recap: Episode 3, “Tori Finds Her Voice”

True Tori Kellie Freeze

True ToriAfter Last episode’s revelations about Dean’s thoughts of suicide, where will Tori and Dean go next?

Tori is talking about tattoos, Tattoos are personal because you are documenting your journey for everyone to see. Dean is covered with them, but his first Tori-related tattoos are on his wrist and say, “Truly, Madly, Deeply, Tori.”

Tori has the wedding vows that Dean wrote tattooed on her left ribs, they’re, “connected to my heart. I put his vows, the same ones he broke.”  Tori isn’t a grammarian, but we get the gist.

Saturday, April 5 Tori is supporting pal Jennie Garth at a charity photography event.

Hattie and Finn sit at highchairs while Laim and Stella eat chicken wings in front of the TV. I’m pretty sure that couch may be light colored, so good luck getting the BBQ stains out.

As teens, Tori and Jennie used to double date. Jennie used to be a supporter of Dean, so Tori is afraid of what her long-time friend will think.  But she doesn’t care what the paps think as they stand outside talking about Tori-Drama while the shutterbugs snap away.  Their conversation sounds a lot like this,

“How are you?

“How are you?”

“You look beautiful”  Air kiss

You look beautiful.” Long rub of the arm. Turn so the light perfectly catches your hair and throw your head back and laugh at nothing.  snap, snap, snap.

This is some deep shiz for such long-time friends.  A good heart to heart.

The next day. (at least it might be the next day or three days later, who knows.  It’s hard to tell because Dean is always in some kind of plaid shirt.)

Tori and Dean are in couples therapy for the first time since Dean has returned.  (I’m confused, because last week we saw Tori and Dean in couples therapy for the first time since he returned from therapy, remember?  That was when he revealed his suicidal thoughts. Is this from the same session?  If so, be ready for some doozies.) Based on Tori and Dean’s body language, they are wishing that the couch is at least 10 feet longer.

Dean reveals that he wasn’t attracted to “Emily,” (The ho he cheated with) but she was a warm body.

Dean said his appetite for sex is insatiable.And that Tori has complications from her last pregnancy that makes sex harder. (I promise, you’ll find out about that in a bit. Wait for it.)

Dr. Wexler “If a man is not sexually satisfied at home, is it OK for him to go outside of the home?” Dean says that “sex was a drug like drugs and alcohol.” Of course it is Dummy. It feels good. When you’re doing it, you feel amazing and you’ll do a lot of stupid stuff to get it. We all know this, but it is fighting past the infantile urges to make adult decisions that separates humans form animals.

Tori called Dean out on his ever-changing cheating story. Dean admits he’d changed his story because when Tori was confronting him about the affair it was because his worst nightmare was coming true.

Tori asks, “Not your worst nightmare that you had cheated on me, and I found out and I might leave you, but your worst nightmare that you had cheated on me and it would become public? That’s what it sounded like.” Slow clap Tori. Lay into the bastard.

Tori, “Our sex life was never enough” Dean, “It was in the beginning.” Married people wanting to have sex multiple times per day? I call BS on that. Married people with small children are hoping to pee with the door closed multiple times per day, a few minutes of alone time results in naps, not nookie. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. With small kids, sex is reserved for major holidays or the few minutes that you’re allegedly in the basement folding laundry.

Tori can’t believe that Dean didn’t cheat sooner because, “I can never give him enough sex.” The look on the therapists face is awesome. How is she not laughing aloud? She says, “Dean, your expectations of what a marriage is supposed to be like sexually, is a fairy tale.” Agreed 100%. I wonder if Dean is good at golf because his sexual expectations sound a lot like Tiger Woods.

Tori SpellingWhy do all people on reality TV shows all cry the same tearless way? Does Botox create an absence of tears? Tori’s cry-rag is absolutely dry, yet she presses it to her face holes constantly! She must be in possession of the world’s best waterproof makeup.

We see a single tear on Tori’s face, as she tells Dean that his infidelity made her feel ugly and she had suffered through relationships where she was told she was ugly. Dean, ever the gentleman, leans across the couch and pats Tori’s back. Got to hand it to Tori, she can boo-hoo with the best of them and nary a white-blonde hair is out of place.

Tori SpellingOn to the post-baby complications, because I know you’ve been waiting to hear all about it. Tori reveals that after Finn was born, her intestines pushed out of her C-section, and she has a big lump on her abdomen that she’s ashamed of. “You do look good, I love that little bump.” Says Husband–of-the-Year Dean. What a terrible thing to say! That’s like saying, “I love your tiny penis,” or “I love your extra large wart.” Dean, as the husband, your job is to say absolutely nothing in this moment. Just hug your wife, Don’t simply pat her with your manicured hands.

Dean reveals that he attributes all of his career success to his relationship with Tori.  No Duh Dean. You look like Micky Rourke, the current Micky Rourke.

Then Dean tries to turn the attention on Tori by saying that she doesn’t compliment him enough and delivers my new favorite line. “I don’t feel like you think I’m the cat’s ass.” Who really want to be a cat’s ass? Have you ever seen a cat’s ass? Actually Dean, with that hair, and beard, you look exactly like a cat’s ass.

Dean, “I feel like a fat-ass, small-dick. @#$%, zits on my back, piece of S@!#.”

The Dr. tasks Tori with writing a letter to Dean about her feelings and Dean is tasked with writing a letter about how he’s story, what he’s sorry for and that he understands how Tori feels.

Tori SpellingTuesday, April 8 Dean is spending the morning with the kids while Tori has a spa day with friends. Dean wears in a bathrobe while all of the kids are dressed. Why? Is he Hugh Heffner? Scratch that, Liam is shirtless.

Tori spills her emotions to two girlfriends, but it looks like she’s talking to the horrified pedicurist. Tori is also getting what appears to be the worst pedicure ever. She is sitting in a wicker chair with her feet in a salad bowl. Then Tori’s friend encourages her to get another tattoo.

Tori already has 2 tattoos. Remember, one is her wedding vows that Dean wrote to her. And then broke. Tori wants to add an arrow and “WTF?” That might be the funniest thing Tori has ever said and I will give her $1 if she actually does it.

While Tori is at a Mystery Girls script meeting, Dean makes dinner with Jess’ husband Wolf. Wolf asks Dean why he jeopardized things with Tori. Dean is making a simple dinner for the kids. “Fish and Chips and Edamame.” I was figuring on Gorton’s fish sticks and fries, but Dean actually was making the fish sticks from scratch. Who knew that Dean could actually cook? I know he’s the host of Chopped Canada, but a paper bag could host that show.

Dean to Wolf, “I didn’t think I would get caught. I was drinking and using drugs, man…I have a brain that wants me dead.”

And FYI, he’s making his own French fries. (I checked with my pals at Wikipedia and Dean won a season of a celebrity cooking competition.)

Dean Tells Wolf that he was placed on 5150, which is a mandatory 72 hour hold for suicide watch. While he’s spilling his intimate details of his affair, Liam walks in and punches Dean in the crotch. Have I mentioned that I love Liam? And he’s spent the entire day shirtless.

Tori SpellingDean sits down to write Tori his letter of apology and is terrified of what Tori’s letter to him will say. While writing, Liam (still sans shirt) asks Dean what he did to make his mom mad. Dean kinda tells him by telling him that he did something very bad, Never tell your kids that you’re a bad person, they’ll figure that out on their own. Let them live the illusion that you don’t suck as long as possible.

The next day(?)

Tori SpellingTori and Stella have strep throat so they’re hanging out in bed eating pudding, playing with Tori’s monkey and working on Tori’s letter to Dean. Tori, “I didn’t want to be the victim, I’ve played one in every Lifetime movie, but I don’t want to be a victim.”

Dean has brought home wings again. From Dominos. And Dean makes an orange sauce for the wings. Tori says the sauce was watered down and Dean freaks out because she was critical about his cooking skills on camera.

Tori “We’re doing a show about what’s going on in our life and that’s what you’re worried about being on camera?”  Dean also calls himself a chef.  Wikipedia didn’t mention that Dean-o went to culinary school, so unless I missed something Dean, you’re just a cook. Like me and my frozen fish sticks. Snap.

Wednesday, April 9. 9:15 at night, all of the kids are in Tori and Dean’s bed. And the dog.

Tori SpellingTori and Dean have a pow wow in Liam and Stella’s room (they share, really? and there’s a mattress on the floor too.) Dean is angry because Tori lets the kids sleep in bed with her, and Dean is forced to sleep in Stella’s bed. I think that a few days after returning from rehab that he had to go to because he had an affair, Dean should be lucky he’s not sleeping in the garage.

ToribackyardWebThe next day, Tori and Dean have Dr. Wexler over to their house to read their letters.

Dr. Wexler calls Tori out for not doing the assignment. Instead of talking about the betrayal, Tori wrote about how she fell in love with Dean.

Dean actually wrote the assignment. Tori is making her “Scared, confused, perhaps pooping a little face,” and Dr. Wexler delivers a gem, “Tori, I’m watching your face, I can’t tell what your reaction is.” Me neither, Dr. Wexler. I have no idea what plastic face is feeling either.

Tori SpellingWhile Tori is yelling at Dean, he starts clutching his head, deflecting the attention from his unfaithful penis, to concern for him.

Dr. Wexler, “Dean, do you want to hurt your self?”

Tori, “This is not ok, we have to stop.”

To be continued…


Thank goodness, I was out of beer and I was also about to clutch my head in agony.  This was my favorite episode thus far. Next week, I hope there are more revelations of bottom-half disfigurement and perhaps Tori will actually start yelling.

I don’t really like Dean (really, Kellie you don’t?) but I do understand why Tori is a little hesitant to kick him to the curb. He can cook. And Tori has 4 kids and only 2 nannies. If Dean is around, Tori, double nannies, and Dean means they can divide and conquer the kids. My absence of nannies is why I have only two children. Solo, I have two hands one for each kid.  I can single-handedly walk my children through a parking lot past imaginary paparazzi. Together, my husband and I can divide the fanny-wiping duties. We each get a rump. If I had to wipe four fannies by myself, I would definitely be on a 5150 hold.

I’m a little excited to see what next week’s True Tori has in store for us viewers.  I like that they’re rewarding our patience with better episodes.  We’ve earned it. Next week’s promo looks extra-juicy. But before then, I’ll need more beer. This is a show that requires alcohol, right? What did you think of this week? Would you give Tori $1 for adding an arrow to her tattoo? Would you have murdered Dean for saying that he liked your tummy lump? Is Dean the cat’s ass?


  1. These people are unbelievable and pathetic. He seems like a low life although it looks like he’s getting tired of being verbally attacked. Guess he didn’t read the script very well! Just three more episodes, Dean. Hang in there. Remember you are the bad guy and your wife is the innocent, angelic, deer in the headlights’ victim. She apparently feels that her fling with you while married should be forgotten. Too bad about both of your spouses and Jack. They were and are collateral damage. You, however, did the unthinkable. You cheated on her and that is not acceptable. Dr. Wexler is hideous. She must be looking for a reality show of her own. Seriously, who cares whether they divorce or keep this sham of a marriage? Watching their children, however, dragged into the action at various times to add pathos to the storyline is beyond sad. These two are a mass of inconsistencies and that is why so many people have serious doubts about the veracity of their claims.

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