In the promos, it looks like neither Fernando nor Samantha has any tattoos, which may end my theory that to be on Naked and Afraid you have to have ink. This is actually the main excuse I use whenever I’m asked why I haven’t applied for this show. Besides “I don’t have any tattoos, and I’m pretty sure it’s a requirement,” I also use, “the blur they would have to use to obscure my chest would be too gigantic.” I would not be able to use a snake skin, a piece of tote bag handle or any other small item to cover my bosom. But I digress, on to the show.
Here are some super touristy things about Malaysia, so apply for your visa if you like…
100 inches of annual rainfall
mosquitoes (yay malaria!)
blue Malaysian coral snakes, whose venom can kill you in 100 steps.
These people were wooed by the above Malaysian tourism ad…
Fernando, age 33, firefighter, married, from California. Should be stoic under pressure and awesome at handling fire!!!
Samantha, age 38, Texas. Single mom. Wants to prove to her daughters that toughness leads to success.
Each of them can bring one survival item,
Samantha-orange fire starter. Doh! Not the crappy orange kind!!
Each of them was assigned a PSR (Primitive Survival Rating) — a measurement of the participant’s skill, experience, mental toughness
Fernando-7.1, Samantha-6.8 out of 10.
And they’re naked … Hey, Samantha has a fanny tattoo! My theory still stands!
Hooray for rain in the rain forest! But, it’s only 68 degrees. In the rain, people will get hypothermia pretty quickly. Good luck with that dollar-store fire starter!
Fernando is pretty perky. I am always happy too, so that wouldn’t annoy me. Samantha is not as perky-loving as I am.
Samantha quickly becomes leech food, and once the leeches are knocked off, she become fly food. As long as she doesn’t become food for anything larger, that would not be too bad.
At the end of day one, their shelter is barely built. Samantha begs that the rain holds off for the night. Cue epic lightning and biblical torrents of rain.
Fernando is utterly covered with leeches. Heck no!
Samantha “I even have a leech in my vaginal area.” (This is the moment I tap out.)
Fernando “I have a leech on my scrotum. That is going to bleed…That is the least of my problems.” (Good thing Fernando doesn’t have eyes in the back of his head, because he has at least a dozen leeches on his back!!!!!)
Fernando and Samantha have the advantage of being able to drink rain water directly from giant leaves. Hey-that giant leaf would make a killer parka or pants. Samantha is already hypodermic.
Fernando encourages naked Samantha to do jumping jacks. Did I mention she’s naked? If this was me, I would be hurting myself. And the camera guys would be unable to contain their laughter. Now they’re doing naked pushups. Fernando is SO happy and positive!!! I’m in love. Samantha’s heart melts a little too.
They finally make a snug little shelter. It looks like it’s out of A Bug’s Life.
Fernando, “The rain is the villain. It is a formidable opponent.”
Rain. 51 degrees. Fernando and Samantha haven’t moved from their shelter in 3 days.
Rain. Hunger forces them out of the shelter. All of the food is wondering why anyone would be out in this weather. Samantha finds a blue Malaysian coral snake. Were they not listening to Mr. Scary-voice Narrator? Run away!!! Fernando, obviously clueless of the peril to his own mortality, grabs the snake by the head. Fernando just owned that killer and chopped its head off!
The rain finally stops. Fernando and Samantha are in a race against time to start a fire so they can cook the snake before it rots. Everything is wet.
Unable to get the fire started, they have to toss the rotting poison-snake carcass into the jungle.
A good, thing…no rain. A bad thing…rain keeps the bugs away.
Samantha spent the night being mosquito food. Fernando looks pretty mosquito-free. Lucky guy. Samantha misses her kids. This usually means someone’s losing it mentally. How long before she taps out?
Fernando, (AKA, Mr. Superstar) makes fire. Then, he catches a fish with his hands! Unfortunately, the fish is weird, the meat is gross. They have to toss it.
Fernando, “Look at my arms, I’m usually ripped. I look so scrawny right now.” A lot of guys say that, I’m sure. If I’m ever naked in public, I would say, “I usually look so much thinner than this. Man, those bug bites are really making me swell.”
Fernando eats bugs. Awesome. They find mushrooms. Against everyone’s judgment, including his partner’s, he takes a bite. “That is good…” And then, within minutes he has an allergic reaction.
A side note — in high school, I won a local beauty pageant. I was the “Houby queen.” Houby is Czech for mushroom. Back to the show.
Fernando didn’t die from eating the mushroom. Thank goodness, but I’m reconsidering my nickname for him. “Mr. Superstar” is dead to me. He’s “Mr. Stupidstar,” now.
Fernando is sick. Mushroom-related? His partner calls for medics. Fernando’s Blood Pressure is low and he has a fever of 103.8. They immerse him in cold water to lower his fever. After the fever lowers, they return him to camp.
Fernando is still sick and can’t sit up for more than a minute. Samantha starts building a raft to help Fernando get to the extraction point. Samantha is glad to be able to step up for her partner because he was strong for her when she was cold. She’s a star. Shivers due to hypothermia are a little less dramatic than the shivers when you’re sick. Not to bag on Samantha, but her “Raft” is the saddest raft I’ve ever seen. It is 4 bamboo logs tied together. Remember EJ’s raft from episode 1? It had seats and oars! I’m just saying.
Fernando is still alive! He is weak, but he wants to finish this journey. For someone so sick, he is still remarkably chipper. In the water, they have the saddest “raft” ever, but Fernando is complementary to Samantha and her raft-building skills. Clearly he is delirious, or the kindest soul on the planet. As monitor lizards lick their lizard chops from the riverbanks, they start kicking their feet. After a mile, they wonder why they are going so slowly. After 2 miles, they wisen up and turn their raft parallel within the water rather than pushing it perpendicular to the shore. After 3 miles, they find their boat and safety.
They are both so exhausted and remarkably thinner. Fernando can barely stand in the boat.
At the end of 21 days, Fernando has lost 31 pounds, Samantha lost 21 pounds.
Fernando’s PSR fell due to his questionable choices to 6.9, Samantha’s PSR rose to 7.0.
Nest week is Naked And Afraid’s season finale. What fun is in store for next week’s crew of two?
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