Duck Dynasty recap: The first few minutes of this episode easily sets a television record for most uses of the word “Biltong.” Apparently it’s a South African form of beef jerky, and Willie gets a special delivery package in the mail, much to the chagrin of Korie, who can’t stand the smell. Jase and Si just want to eat it — they mowed their way through all the Jack Link’s already — and are incredulous when Willie won’t share. “Willie’s turned into a jerk over this jerky,” as Jase puts it. Si even makes his own complaint box, and he’ll add to the jerky grievance his feelings about the lack of an iced tea dispenser, the removal of Camo Friday, no taco truck, Martin’s less than attractive face and the peanut bias in the trail mix. We somehow also learn that Si uses the ladies’ bathroom because they always have better toilet paper in there. Ladies, you’ve been warned.
Jase decides they need to take matters into their own hands and make their own jerky. Godwin says yeah, he’s got a lot of deer meat over at his place, which, if you know Godwin, that sounds about right. But the quest to make Jase Jerky (patent pending?) soon devolves into a testosterone contest between Godwin and Jase after Jase says there’s no way Godwin could still ride this minibike they find buried in his garage hoard. Godwin bristles at this, saying he knows despite having added a metric ton or two of weight, he could still smoke Jase on it. Jase doesn’t want to get into it, but all the clucking (and crowing, for some reason) eventually gets to him.
This has the makings of a classic embarrassment for Jase, especially after Jep decides he wants to get in on the action. But lo and behold the Flyin’ Flea has morphed into a walrus-like creature and can’t quite make it around those curves anymore, and Jep … well, his showing is just pathetic. It was made even more pathetic given the fact that he was wearing a helmet with butterflies on it. Jase wins in a rout.
Eventually they get around to finding the dehydrator they came for, only to find that the meat they’re going to use doesn’t smell so good. (This is the second episode this season that dealt with foul meat. Odd pattern, right?) But a redneck must have his jerky, so they push on until they have a finished product. The fragrance that comes from that is one Si recognizes as gasoline, since he makes a habit of smelling all gas before he puts it in his car. Yes, I think this explains a lot about Si, don’t you? Godwin then reveals that he used carburetor cleaner to clean the dehydrator. So, Korie makes a deal with them, telling the guys to just use the company credit card to buy more Jack Link’s.
(This episode of Duck Dynasty Season 4 brought to you by Jack Link’s.)
While Willie is enjoying his biltong, he gets a strange, morbid visit from Phil and Kay, who tell him they are both dying. You know, in the way that we’re all dying. Basically, they want to make sure their will is in order, so they get Willie to come out to their place and look at property measurements and such. But of course, Phil, old-school guy that he is, doesn’t feel like using paper to write anything down. Willie is just expected to remember everything. On top of that, Willie doesn’t seem to be in line to get much, since going by biblical principles, the majority of the land is going to Alan, Jase, Si … oh, and the dogs. Phil goes so far as to take Willie around to different parts of the property and show him how beautiful it is, only to say, “Yeah, ole Jase is goin’ to love this.” The plot reserved for Willie is an unremarkable stretch in the middle of the land where Willie once knocked himself out with a post-hole digger as a young man. Phil doesn’t tell Willie this, but his reasoning is actually quite sweet, saying Willie as the CEO is kind of the glue that holds the family and the Duck Commander empire together, so it’s only fitting that his piece of the inheritance is in the middle.
But I guess it’s kind of hard to appreciate a nice father-son moment when Phil is busy taking a whiz in the river.
“That toilet paper we got now? It’s like John Wayne; it don’t take crap off nobody.” — Jep
“Her cellphone drowned in a bathtub.” — Phil, about Miss Kay’s propensity to fall asleep in the tub
“They used to call me the Flying Flea.” — Godwin
“You look like a big bull riding a skinny cowboy.” — Jase to Godwin after seeing him sit on a minibike
Best Segment Titles
“It’s On Like Biltong”
“Where There’s a Willie, There’s a Way”
“This Land Is Urine Land”
“I Am Walrus, Hear Me Soar”
“Legal Weapon 5: Dead Meat”
Photo: © 2013 Credit: Karolina Wojtasik