Fashion Police 03-08-13 Recap

Hello! Welcome back, Fashion Police. How I’ve missed you! In the news yesterday I saw that Kelly Osbourne suffered a seizure during the taping of this episode. I can’t wait to see how this is addressed. Oh, and I also hope that she is OK.

On to this week’s show  The theme is month is sports. Um, OK?  I guess. Instead of March Madness, they are calling it “Fash Fabness.” For some reason I don’t see that as a trending topic any time soon.  Giuliana is not there — apparently she’s out getting herself spray-tanned the same color as Boston Baked Beans, so we have Melissa Rivers in instead.  Great, someone who knows even less about fashion than Giuliana. Should be fun!

This week’s 5 must-see looks of the week.  5. Ashley Olsen wearing a giant fur coat and huge sunglasses. Not sure why this is a must-see look — she always looks like that!  4. Florence Welch wearing a very strange shear dress. It has a wear band around the chest that looks like she’s wearing a tube top over a fishing net.  3. Cher and Fergie both wearing fur. Fergie is wearing a fur coat and leather pants; Cher is wearing a giant fur hat, which looks very Dr. Zhivago, with crocodile pants and coat. 2. Nicole Richie wearing a very strange velvet dress with an odd print that looks like a skull. Melissa says it looks like Silence of the Lambs.  1. Justin Bieber wearing an awful hat, pants that sag in the butt and fake huge glasses. Kelly says that he looks like Vanilla Ice and Gollum had a baby. Which is awesome!

Tonight’s first guest is Dennis Pitta from the Baltimore Ravens. I can’t imagine him having anything to bring to the table, but whatever. They have to keep the show fresh and interesting, and this is what they came up with. They just asked him questions about pre-game stuff and superstitions. They had him stay for the “Rack Report.” Tonight’s victim is J-WOWW wearing a dress that shows her ugly breast implant surgery scars. It looks so painful! Dennis says that “less is more.”

The second guest is Georgina Bloomberg. She is the daughter of Mayor Michael Bloomberg and an author and equestrian. Again, not sure why in the hell she is there, but OK. Now my favorite segment — “Bitch Stole My Look!” Tonight it’s Rihanna vs Jessica Alba and both wearing a designer letterman jacket.  I don’t like either, and neither does George; he says they both look like toddlers. The viewers at home and Joan voted for Jessica Alba.

They’ve decided to incorporate the sports theme by counting down the Sweet 16 Most Stylish Athletes. So far we have: 16. Soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo  15. Danica Patrick 14. Amar’e Stoudemire 13. Lindsey Vonn. More of the list next week.

The show ran long so this week’s best and worst are only available online. Boo!! That’s my favorite part of the show…  There was no mention of Kelly’s seizure, and she was in the entire show. Overall it was a very weird episode.

Joan’s best one-liners:

Ashley Olsen is responsible for more dead animals than Michael Vick.

This dress is like Larry King’s penis — no matter what you do to it, it doesn’t work.  (Referring to Florence Welch’s dress)

Usually when you see a brown mess like this, Al Roker is being escorted out of the White House.  (Referring to Nicole Richie’s dress)

Look at his pants, it’s finally happened.  His balls have dropped. (Referring to Bieber)

The sad thing is that J.Lo’s dress shines brighter than her film career.

It’s funny because you started as a wide receiver and then you became a tight end, which is exactly the opposite of George Michael.

And my personal favorite — Her t*ts are more fake than Anne Hathaway’s humility.  (referring to J-WOWW)

Here is this week’s tally:

Raunchy Joan jokes: 18

Amazing count: 4

Obsessed count: 2

Fake George laughs: 5

See you all next week!