Dance Moms recap: Four Dudes in O-hi-o

Were you worried, Dance Moms faithful … or Dance Moms Desperate . .. or whatever we’re calling ourselves now? I’m sorry I’m late. I had a short-notice thing to do in New York. And I’ll admit I did consider bagging out on this one, just for a little respite, a dab of relief.

But then I spotted a familiar face in the promo. A good, kind, nice kid, like the seven other good, kind, nice kids we’re trying desperately to support.

Zack Torres. From Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition. And his nice mom Gina. Dancing on the newly reinvented all-boy Candy Apples team. So I had to watch. And since I had to watch, let’s do the Cliffs Notes version of this week’s episode, “Boys Are Cuties, Girls Have Cooties.”

This is what Fourth looks like:

We haven’t seen the likes of it in 25 years.

This is what Moms of Fourth look like. Melissa found her glasses. Christi lost her shoes.

Here’s the pyramid. Look. The top spot went to a blank sheet of paper.

I don’t remember it dancing.

This is what pissed at your mom for where you are on the pyramid looks like:

Here’s where we’re off to this week: On Stage America in Voorhees, NJ.

Here are this week’s message dances:
Kendall’s solo: “I Owe You Nothing.” Got that, Jill? Nothing.
Nia’s solo: “A Hundred Years From Now.” Because that’s when she might actually fix her feet. Or score another solo.
Chloe’s solo: “Left In The Dark.” Because that’s what most of us are about why Abby is so perpetually ticked at this poor, silent kid.

Here’s what will get you kicked off the team during the group dance:

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you can be kicked off the team at the drop of a hat. Where’s my rimshot?

Here’s Zack. Apparently Abby invited him to dance at the ALDC, but here he is at Cathy’s.

This is Gina:

Here’s Cathy Stein’s big screen, digital version of the pyramid which makes a nice munchy-apple sound when the pictures turn around.

The other boys are — and I make no claims to correct spelling here — Bryant, Jaylin and Gino. Jaylin’s special talent is spending more time on his head than he does on his feet. Like so:

Here’s Melissa getting mad at the moms and walking out:

This is Melissa sucking up and regretting ever taking part in the silent protest:

This is Jill getting herself into trouble:

This is the very adorable reason why you might not want to drink out of the water fountain if you go for a visit to the ALDC, God rest her little poochie soul. Moment of silence for Broadway Baby.


This is Jill doing a preemptive strike in the sucking up department because she knows she is in trouble.

Good girl, Broadway Baby! Good girl, Jill!

Here’s a problem:

Here’s another one:

Abby spy-techs the competition and finds out that Cathy and Co. will be in Voorhees. Actually she finds out one team from Ohio will be there. Apparently Cathy’s is the only one there is.

Here’s the Boy Apples doing hip-hop as choreographed by Nick Anthony who has come all the way from LA. Aw! Mitchell A. Finke, you lost your gig!

Here is. Jill. Going. Home:

Here’s no one else leaving with her. Dance Mom solidarity has its limits.

OK, someone feels a leeeeettle guilty about that:

Here’s Jill coming back after a lecture from Abby about how Kendall getting yelled at a lot is like her getting $10,000. I’m pretty sure that mostly blew Jill’s mind rather than change it, but whatever gets ya back on the bus.

Aaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh … weirdos:

Here’s Abby trying to psyche Cathy and her boys out with souvenir ALDC t-shirts:

Cathy says they will make nice dust rags. Oh, Cathy. Boys don’t dust.

Here are the solo performances.

What is this? Nia gets a Maddie solo. A pretty costume. Elegant movements. Mature expressions.

She looks lovely. Abby says it was just OK.

Here’s Kendall’s typically sassy solo:

She looks typically great. I wonder if this is the no-no costume, or one of Abby’s?

Here’s Chloe’s rag-doll solo:

Huh. I think there are much better ways to show off Chloe’s talent than that.

There are. Kendall gets third. Nia and Chloe don’t even place. I don’t see that on the actual results, but whatever.

Here are the boys Own-ing It. They certainly do.

Here’s Pink Lemonade. Tres Frenchie!

Here’s what Abby will use as her excuse if Own It beats Pink Lemonade:

Yelling! Yelling! Yelling!

Here’s Christi leaving with Chloe. And the nice spectators she wants to GET AWAY FROM HER! What is on that one guy’s face?! Maybe the girls really do have cooties.

Wow. The Pitt Crew has gotten tough. No one even blinks that the Lukasiaks are gone. Hmmmm.

One. Tenth. Of. A. Point. Separates one and two. Been a while since that happened.

Guess who wins? Here’s a hint:

Brief moment of unity and celebration. Brief. Because…

Next week, more Cathy and the Man Dancers … and WATER FIGHT! With an extra dash of purse-clobbering!


A new, 90-minute episode of Dance Moms premieres next Tues., Feb.12 at 9/8CT on Lifetime.


  1. There is a video on YouTube by a teenager who was in the audience for this competition. She reports that Christi’s exit and escape to the safety of the taxi was filmed four times.

    When they were satisfied with the last take, she and Chloe got out of the cab and got on the bus with the rest of the cast.

    ***Thank you for the recap, Lori. I always look forward to your sensitive and clever insights the following day so that I can realize what I missed while recoiling from the shock factor of Abby’s angry ego!***

  2. Yes, she was definitely talking to the cameras and not the spectators. I HATE that they made it out that way!! I saw the earlier preview, as some have already pointed out, that showed her shooing away the cameras.. Can’t really blame her. At least she didn’t let her kid get yelled at (this time at least) by Abby. Wish Melissa would stick up and take care of her kids more.. I wish I knew what was in those contracts of theirs because I can’t see sticking around there having my kid treated that way.. I’m going to miss not seeing Chloe next week (as she gets suspended). That’s for the recap– loved it!! 🙂

  3. I agree with you Paula. I think she was yelling at the cameras too. Back in an earlier episode, editing had Abby calling the police for a “trespass issue” and then there was a shot of Christi telling the camera men to get that camera “out of my face”. Editing can change everything.

  4. I was getting worried! I LOVE your takes on the show! 🙂

    Abbe said they haven’t placed 4th in 25 years. I guess she forgot the 10th place to Cathy’s 9th when Abbe didn’t save her tears for her pillow. 🙂

    • LOL!!!! So true about 10th place. But Abby is all about delusion and denial. One thing about the blog, though…I don’t think it was the spectators Christi was shooing away, I think it was the camera crew. When they got in the getaway car, Chloe was covering her face and everything. I’m pretty sure Christi was speaking to the cameras, not the children.

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About Lori Acken 1195 Articles
Lori just hasn't been the same since "thirtysomething" and "Northern Exposure" went off the air.