Cathy gets too gutsy and Kelly doesn’t have spirit, no she doesn’t, tonight on Lifetime’s “Dance Moms”

By Lori Acken

Fresh off of their hooch-ification of Lancaster, PA — in which Abby’s attempt at West Coast jazz/kiddie porn fusion resulted in one male judge taking photos, everyone else taking offense and the dance group taking home nothing but embarrassment — the Dance Moms and Abby Lee are more a-stew than ever.

Well, maybe not so much crazy-eyed Kelly, who assessed her 9-year-old daughter in her inappropriate costume and cheerfully warbled, “Showin’ off that sexy little bod!”, thought the shocking “Electricity” dance number was just ginchy, and would happily glue rhinestones on the whole wide world if it meant her daughters will make it as dancers.

On the other hand, as newbie Cathy found out, Kelly considers a lack of “stoning” skills pretty much a deal-breaker where new friendships are concerned.

And that’s only the beginning of a fresh set of troubles.

Thanks to the firmly established rivalry between Melissa’s Maddie and Christi’s Chloe, whiffs of favoritism already foul the air at the Abby Lee Dance Studio — see also Lancaster, where soloist Chloe lolled around on stage done up like a mini Madonna bride while other soloist Maddie, dressed like the most ethereal baby ballerina, fluttered ethereally to an emotional and much more complex dance. Maddie won. Christi cried. Melissa gleamed with soulless pride.

And now, as the series’ third episode, “Cheerleader Blues,” debuts — along with Abby Lee’s plan to kill fellow dance studio owner Cathy with kindness by giving her unenthusiastic six year old Vivi extra attention and a coveted solo — the jealously kicks into high-gear.

To Kelly, the non-(rhine)stoner should be made to pay — not rewarded. Melissa regards the impingement on 7-year-old MacKenzie, her previously unrivaled baby of the Abby Lee Family, cooly. For the moment. Outwardly anyway. And the other mothers wonder collectively how long Abby is going to spend trying to mold this un-dancerly kid when the competition troupe is not exactly on a winning streak. And Ms. Cathy’s not exactly a rule-follower.

As the drama unfolds, Kelly is revisited by a demon from Episode 1 — daughter Brooke’s desire to spare her body the further rigors of competitive dance and become a cheerleader instead. Hmmm. Permanently damaged hip? Permanently ended dance career? Permanently damaged hip? Permanently ended dance career?

Can’t we just glue some rhinestones on it and make it all better?

Watch Dance Moms tonight at 10pm ET on Lifetime.

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About Lori Acken 1195 Articles
Lori just hasn't been the same since "thirtysomething" and "Northern Exposure" went off the air.