by Ruth Anne Boulet
Who will step in and give Lauren Alaina a sparkle intervention? Who? Does A&E have a show about that? They should. She needs it. They could also have a hair extension episode.
We begin with Glee wannabe performance of “Born this Way.” Everyone needs a sparkle intervention. All the girls, at least. The boys need a crotch intervention. Who checks the fit on these clothes? Those crotches are insane! Michael Kors could totally be the interventionist.
Next up is Durbin and Judas Priest. For the occasion they’ve totally gayed up James. He’s studded out. He looks like he’s going out to a bar called Boot Camp or Woody’s for a night with the boys. It’s kind of awesome for Idol, even though the mention of anyone in Judas Priest being gay will not happen. No one on Idol is breakin’ the law. Ever. Those that do end up on TMZ.
I fast-forwarded through the judge’s package. I don’t need to hear Randy-isms again. I also fast-forwarded through the Jacob gospel performance. Until Kathy told me to give it a chance. Then Gladys Knight came out and all of a sudden the Idol finale became Idol Gives Back for about 1 minute. Way to give back Idol — give a text donation number that will be gone if one blinks. Did y’all know that Gladys Knight is in Vegas? You do know. And Judas Priest is on tour this summer. Oooh, I wonder if anyone performing doesn’t have something to pimp? I guess not.
Next up is Casey Abrams and Jack Black singing Queen’s Fat Bottom Girls. Casey doesn’t start out very strong. Neither one of them really tries all that hard to harmonize. Not that anyone really cares about harmonizing when one is singing Fat Bottom Girls. Some girls ride onto the stage on — surprise — bicycles. None of them are fat bottomed, as advertised. Jack Black’s movie Kung Fu Panda 2 comes out tomorrow! Yippee!
The ladies of American Idol sing Beyoncé’s Single Ladies, To The Left, followed by bunch of songs I don’t recognize. Then Beyoncé herself comes out to sing Crazy In Love with a wind machine. Eventually the Idol girls are relegated to shaking their shoulders while backup dancers come out to do the heavy lifting. Beyoncé at least lets the girls sing with her, unlike Fergie. Apparently Beyoncé has nothing to shill because Ryan doesn’t mention any upcoming anything.
Finally something cool — Haley gets to sing Stepping Out with Tony Bennett. Tony forgets the words at one point. Haley sings “white hat and top tie.” Who cares — he’s Tony Bennett and Haley gets to sing & dance with him. Super fun. His new album comes out in September right after his 85th birthday!
TLC are singing with the ladies now. Don’t the guys get a group number? Can we have a moment of silence for Left Eye? She don’t want no scrubs. Funny, Waterfalls sounds exactly like the album and I don’t really hear any of the Idol girls… interesting. For some reason there’s no plug, but I swear TLC was going to be trying a comeback.
Now we get into the guys — Scotty gets to sing with Tim McGraw, who’s also on tour! Didn’t listen to it — country fans, I hope you liked it.
We’re at about the mid-way point so it’s time to revisit some of the freaks that auditioned. The guy who thought he was going to be the new Ryan Seacrest got to do the announcing for it. He’s the only one who comes out looking well in the montage. Good on you.
Nepotism alert! Marc Anthony gets to perform now. Ooh, and Sheila E is on drums. That’s cool. I’m woefully deficient in Spanish, but I know one thing. I want Mexican or Cuban food stat. Paella even. Surprise! Jennifer Lopez comes out & starts dancing seductively with him. She can shake her butt as long as he can hold note, just like in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
Casey, Stefano and James have a “who was the most shocking elimination” argument that’s pretty well done. Pia settles it with a pink tiara & sash. Well done on that one Idol.
Apparently we’re into the guy’s territory because now the guys are singing a medley starting with Prince’s Kiss, Tom Jones’ She’s a Lady and What’s New Pussycat? Is Tom Jones there? Squeal! Panties better start flying onto the stage. Of course once Scotty starts singing we’ve got to change it up & start singing about Mama & Papa and the Green, Green Grass of Home. Jacob gets to sing Love Me Tonight and Casey gets Delilah. The audience gets huge karaoke lyrics on the jumbotrons. I forgot that he’d been knighted. And, of course, he gets to sing It’s Not Unusual. Man I want a martini or a manhattan or something stronger than the glass of red wine I’ve got. It also makes me want to go to Angelo’s on the East Side here in Milwaukee where there’s a picture of Tom Jones with Angelo on the wall. It’s awesome. Dean Martin was a genius.
We get a trip down memory lane with Scotty and Lauren and the cool thing is that their favorite teachers get a new Ford Focus. Lauren and Scotty get to pick any Ford car they want. What do you want a bet that they’re both going to pick trucks?
Lady Gaga is up next with Edge of Glory. Of course she has a huge set piece & elaborate costume. She’s also rocking some Bret Michaels headband with Dead or Alive hair. This song also features a cheesy 80s saxophone solo. Can’t tell if it’s really Clarence Clemons doing it on stage but he’s supposedly on the album. The song ends with a dive off the edge of her manufactured cliff onto a hidden trampoline. Fabulous. Gaga doesn’t have to plug anything — Amazon did that for her.
Almost better is the Harry Potter trailer immediately after the Gaga performance. Squeal!
Lauren gets to sing Before He Cheats. Surprise! Carrie Underwood comes out & sings with her! Then we get another montage of Idols saying things about Lauren and Scotty. Beyoncé then gets to sing again for some reason. She’s singing something about not knowing algebra but she knows that one plus one is two. That’s math, Beyoncé, not algebra. It’s not about math; it’s about sex.
Special treat! Bono and The Edge are doing songs from Spiderman the Musical. They definitely need the plug because no one wants to be in the way the next time someone gets majorly hurt in a performance. Man, I was just in Ireland this fall, seeing where all the Troubles took place. I had a ton of U2 running through my head that week. It was good U2 though. Unfortunately they’re a bit too happy now for my taste. The music’s just not as resonant. Oh well. I’m happy for them though. But could they break into New Year’s Day, just once? Please?
Another special treat! Steven Tyler is going to be singing Dream On. Note, it’s not Aerosmith ’cause Joe Perry isn’t doing that stuff. Steven has not been taking care of his voice and can’t really sing while playing the piano, but at least he’s not doing his crappy mid-80s ballad Aerosmith. I’m kind of sad Danny Gokey isn’t there. I’m also kinda surprised that they didn’t work the Durbin in, but that’s the way it goes I guess.
Dim the lights! For some reason Lauren is in yellow even though it’s not flattering. The accountant hands off the envelope and the winner of American Idol is Scotty McCreery. Nigel Lythgoe has been thwarted, but unfortunately that means once again a girl hasn’t won American Idol. Not that I wanted Lauren to win, but I would like to see a girl win.
But before that day, we get treated to I Love You This Big, that hit song for toddlers coming to iTunes soon! Scotty owns that toddler vibe by trying to catch the confetti with his tongue. I’m sure that it tasted like dust and plastic.
Scotty, just try & make sure that doesn’t also describe your career. Good luck, babylockthemdoors.
And good luck to all of you — perhaps we’ll meet again next year.