by Ruth Anne Boulet
So I’m not a country music fan. I think that should be abundantly clear based on my past American Idol recaps. I won’t be dwelling too much on the music tonight. Does the music even matter anymore? Did it ever?
Lauren apparently blew out a vocal chord just before showtime, so Ryan decides to hype that drama a bit, maybe to give Lauren a little boost or something.
Scotty starts the show by re-singing his instant hit “Gone” by Montgomery Gentry. He seems much more low-energy in this rendition. Perhaps my judgment of it is colored by the fact that we’ve seen this before.
Lauren picks “Flat On the Floor” by Carrie Underwood for her re-do. She still can’t really keep up with it and does her usual stomp-stomp shimmy dance.
For some reason the judges have been relegated to completely furniture so far tonight. They haven’t said boo yet this entire episode. So be it.
Next up is picks from the Idol‘s Idol. George Strait has selected “Check Yes or No” for our boy Scotty. Never heard of it, but kudos to George Strait for picking one of his own songs. Well played George Strait. Enjoy those iTunes royalties from, you know, people who listen to country music. At least from the bit I can decipher through the twang, this song seems to be more age-appropriate for Scotty, which is nice. I really don’t want to hear the term “making love” coming out of 17-year-olds.
Carrie Underwood is selecting the song for Lauren Alaina. “Old Whore’s Diet” by Rufus Wainwright? No? Darn! Instead it’s “Maybe it Was Memphis” by Pam Tillis. Carrie, Carrie, Carrie. Stop shoving the fact that you just surpassed Kelly Clarkson in Idol cash and pick your own song like George did. If you were really nice, you would’ve picked a Kelly Clarkson song. Stylist everywhere are wondering why Lauren selected the western, gold, glittery ballerina dress.
The judges are about to earn their paycheck & comment on the first two performances. Randy is right in the middle with a love fest for both of them. Jennifer is similarly milquetoast. Steven gives both rounds to Lauren because she’s prettier. Randy almost forgot to shout his “In It To Win It” but — whew — he just squeaks it in there!
There was some song contest from Coke that I had completely blocked out of my consciousness. Can’t remember who is singing it, but his Tron backup drummers are cool. Apparently we’re all going to be positive. It’s all kinds of Black Eyed Peas inane, sans the fun of the Black Eyed Peas and add in a dose of After-School Special. Ryan tells me the singer is Tyler Cruise or something. I doubt I’ll ever think of him again.
Scotty’s potential single is “I Love You This Big.” Ok, I like age-appropriate but that song title makes him sound like a toddler. Too far the other way, American Idol! It’s all country-love and not really all that epic for an Idol moment type of song. That said, I bet it’ll totally be in a Nicolas Sparks movie soundtrack someday. And I won’t watch it. The judges say things, but they’re all like the teacher from Charlie Brown.
Lauren’s potential single exploring that passive-aggressive ditty “Like My Mother Does.” It’s all about that horrible moment when you look in the mirror at a particular body part and shriek “AAAHH! When did I start sitting Like My Mother Does? Why does my butt sag like my mother’s does? Why Lord? Why?” Jimmy actually says something about all mothers loving this song & that mothers are the bedrock of society. Lauren goes into the audience & sings to her mom. Ryan has to help her down the stairs so she doesn’t trip on her dress. I wish I wasn’t eating ice cream because I think the sugar is hitting my bloodstream. Blech. Kathy’s wondering when Lauren will start singing to puppies with a chorus of ponies in choir robes behind her. There’s some “wha-wha-wha” from the judges about how Lauren’s totally going to win now.
I wonder if Scotty is feeling the bus tires on his back? I bet they hurt. American, you now get to decide if the Nigel-appointed winner is going to seal the deal tomorrow or not. We’ll find out what happens tomorrow, and hopefully hear something other than country music. A girl can dream.