American Idol names its Top 3

by Ruth Anne Boulet

We get “treated” to a duet with Scotty and James. It’s something like “I’d sure like to start a band with some buddies ’cause that’d be all American and stuff.” It’s all countri-fied and hoe-down-ified. Blech. Then we get Lauren and Haley singing something called “Gunpowder & Lead.” So the guys give us all good-old boys and the girls give us “I’m gonna pop a cap in your ass.” When did my TV start tuning into GAC or CMT or whatever piece of crap I’m watching right now? I don’t care that country is supposedly big right now. On American Idol I like my country singers marginalized.  Thank you. For what it’s worth, the girls sound better than the guys.

We then get treated to awkward video calls using Windows 7! Isn’t technology cool? Isn’t Microsoft cool? Will James cry again? Aren’t these people sometimes in the audience?

Dim the lights! Now the stools of doom are the gold stools of wonder & top threeness! The first entry into the top 3 is Lauren! Blech. I think we’ll have 2 country folks in the top 3. Does anyone else think that JLo looks like a sparkly leprechaun?

For some reason the Idols have to watch Lady Gaga on DVD sing You and I in order to prepare for seeing her on the show. I didn’t know there was homework required to watch the Gaga. I must’ve been woefully unprepared when I saw her last fall. The Idols then have to give an aesthetic response to her performance. You guys are at level -1, ok? Wait, now we’re watching Enrique Iglesias. Huh? Was that the Lady Gaga performance? Repackaged HBO footage? What a gyp. Oh, come on Idol. Now they’ve got the big balloons out in the audience like Enrique just performed. Please. Ryan tries to get one & falls into the audience. Careful there, Ryan.

Before we can get to actual content of the show, we get a Jordin Sparks performance. She’s apparently a woman. That’s what I got from that song. She decides to shed her sparkly trench coat to reveal a DEB special occasion dress. It’s like that Style commercial where they explore different trends, like the ballerina dress.

Nope, no content yet. Next we get Steven Tyler’s new video. He’s in a circus. There are lots of animals. Something feels so good. I don’t know that I want to know what that is. He’s very happy with it.

Dim the lights! Haley is in! Haley is in! One of the guys is going! Whoo hoo! Rejoice! Yay surprise elimination! Finally something exciting is happening! Dim the lights! Scotty is the last one in the bottom 3. James is out. He’s upset, naturally so. I really fault the judges on this one. He never got told when he wasn’t singing well. He never was challenged to do better and control what he was doing. He was not the best singer up there and no one told him. That’s a shame. He was also never encouraged to show a little humility. I think it would’ve done him some good.

J Lo is all pretty-crying. James is happy because he brought metal to the stage for the first time. Really? Adam Lambert did Zepplin. I mean, is that really all that different than Judas Priest? The theme from Heavy Metal really doesn’t count. Sammy Hagar does not count. Not at all.

Sorry Durbin. I hope you’ve got the moxie to actually try to make something out of this opportunity. The makeup is running down his face in rivers of sad. Some advice James — never forget to focus on the singing; don’t tell your audience how to feel, just make them feel it; show some humility and thanks. You might be seen beyond American Idol if you do.