American Idol cuts down to 7 contestants

by Ruth Anne Boulet

I’m not even going to address whatever Scotty and Lauren sang together at the top of the show. Something about America and honey. There was twanging. I was trying to block it out.

Time to make the Ford commercial. Why didn’t they make Paul a zombie? He’s got the most zombie-like moves of anyone in the cast. Maybe they were trying to give Paul the chance to stretch artistically. Being a zombie makes Haley feel sexy. Um, ok. Zombies just want to have fun, people.

Next Haley & Casey sing. Idol may have officially given up on group numbers. Haley’s got a great half-naked dress. They scat all over each other. The judges are all up & clapping. Even J.Lo and her solid gold nightmare of a dress. It must’ve taken a lot of effort for her to stand up in that thing. Steven thanks them for whipping that out.

Dim the lights! Casey, Haley, Scotty and Lauren are brought center stage. Scotty is safe. Lauren is safe. Haley is in the bottom 3 and Casey is safe.

After the break Rob Reiner comes to visit the kids. Of course James Durbin is familiar with Spinal Tap. I want a Spinal Tap theme week. Can we? Please? We’ve had someone sing Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls, can Big Bottom be that far behind? Rob suggests Casey could be Seth Rogen’s younger bass-playing brother.

Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean perform next. Jason Aldean apparently doesn’t like anyone to see his eyes, so he wears his hat to completely cover any distinguishing facial features. Basically the song was a chance for Kelly to sing Jason Aldean all over the stage. Dude really couldn’t keep up with her vocal powerhouseness. At one point I think she was laughing at him. Ryan and Kelly talk around Jason like he’s not there. He’s like that boyfriend that always just hangs out in the corner & never says anything.

I had more entertainment watching the Cowboys vs. Aliens trailer. It’s like the little bit of sugar before the medicine of Jacob, James, Paul and Stefano “singing” The Sound of Silence. It’s not good, dog.  It’s still not good when they go into “Mrs. Robinson.” Jacob does a really weird spasm while doing the “hey, hey, hey.” He can barely contain himself while sitting on one of the Stools of not-yet doom. Pia is there & gives them a standing O. Really, Pia, you don’t have to do that.

Dim the lights! Time to find out which 2 from Jacob, James, Paul & Stefano are in the bottom 3. James is safe. His poopcloth will see another day on American Idol. Stefano is in the bottom 3 again. Paul is in the bottom 3 and Jacob is safe this week.

Chaka Khan and Anita Baker are in the house. Yo! Dawg! And now it’s time for Rihanna, which I assume was pre-taped since there are pieces of fabric coming from the ceiling. I don’t think they set this all up in the commercial break. I think Rihanna missed her cue cause the writhing floor dancers almost rolled over her feet. During a close-up I can’t help but notice the tattoos on the side of her finger. That must’ve hurt. I was hoping the writhing dancers would start rolling up & do some crazy aerial stunts. Alas, they did not. This isn’t a Faithless concert. She sings about a very large bed. That’s really it. It’s big. They’re apart. The end.

Mary Hart is in the audience! Dim the lights! Haley breaks the streak! She’s safe! Yay! Finally a dude is going home! That dude is — Paul.  Apparently there’s some swearing because we lose a lot of sound. Paul, you were in the death slot & you sang bad karaoke. All the good praise from the judges didn’t matter because America could see someone phoning in bad karaoke.

Paul, go back to Nashville & do some duets with Kendra. That was Paul I would listen to. The crap he pulled on Idol was phoned in. Jennifer requests he sings Maggie May & the band can’t start fast enough. He actually performs the song without most of his weird spastic dancing. Keep that up Paul & we might actually hear from you in a few months. Strike while it’s hot, boy.