“Oh, really, fool?”: A compendium of “Billy Madison” quotes for everyday use

By Ryan Berenz (Twitter: @ChannelGuideRAB)

It saddens me that the youth of today will never know a time when Adam Sandler movies were funny. Many cast off the Sandman’s 1995 Billy Madison as stupid and juvenile, but to me, it is one of the most eminently quotable movies of the last 20 years. Here are some of my most frequently employed Billy Madison quotes, along with appropriate context for their usage:

Don’t tell me my business, devil woman!” Wife or GF bothering you about mowing the lawn, opening a jar for her or putting some pants on? Throw this one at her. I mostly use this when my wife is right, I’m wrong, I know I’m wrong, and I just want to be stubborn.

“How ’bout you, Sideburns?” Most commonly used when offering milk to someone, or when soliciting the opinion of someone with prominent muttonchops. But I think it’s most effective when the situation doesn’t warrant it, like when speaking to a small child (“How ’bout you, Sideburns? You want this Barbie Glam Vacation Jet?”), at work (“How ’bout you, Sideburns? What do you think of these P3 revenue projections?”) or discussing politics (“How ’bout you, Sideburns? What do you think of U.S. involvement in Libya?”).

“It was that damned Sasquatch.” Someone left a mess in the lunchroom at work? Someone ate the entire bag of Doritos? Someone didn’t flush? Someone hurled a whiskey bottle at Mike Krzyzewski? It wasn’t me! “It was that damned Sasquatch!”

“It’s too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin’ around here.” Need an alternative to the lame “Hot enough for ya?” line that will probably get you punched by most people? Not only does this phrase express your discomfort caused by oppressive heat, it also lets those around you think you’re hallucinating and need intravenous fluids.

“It’s Nudie Magazine Day!” Ah, remember that one glorious day each month when that discreetly black-polybagged beauty would show up in the mail? I still use this joyous exclamation at home, but now that I’m old and married, I’ve got to modify it and use it tongue-in-cheek to “celebrate” Oprah Magazine Day.

“No, I will not make out with you!” When your significant other is feeling amorous, but you’re in no mood or too busy clipping toenails to return the affection, break out this one. Also good in deterring unwanted or inappropriate public displays of affection, such as “No, I will not make out with you! I’m here for the funeral, not to make out with you!!” Also can be used to embarrass the hell out of the coworker sitting next to you in a meeting.

“I am the smartest man alive!!” Did you just do some mundane accomplishment that most normal people achieve with ease, yet you’re really proud of it? Or, better yet, did you accomplish it entirely by dumb luck? Throw your hands in the air and rejoice, because you, sir, are the smartest man alive!!!

“Him and her GOT IT ON!!” When spreading gossip about real or alleged romantic liaisons between your friends or colleagues, you’ve got to really emphasize the sex part. Say this phrase with wildly exaggerated arm swinging and hips rotating like the great Chris Farley did. Also an excellent way to discuss the latest celebrity couplings. “Reese Witherspoon and her agent? Oh, yeah. Him and her GOT IT ON!!!”

“What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” Not only do you have the ultimate beatdown to use on anyone with a stupid idea or argument, people are more likely to think you’re smart because you can remember the whole quote.

Photos: © 1995 Universal City Studios Inc.

3 Comments

  1. “More like Borophyll!” Works to describe any dull situation you want to get out of.

    “Want me to take my shirt off for you?” Also good for breaking up tension.

    “Man, I’m glad I called that guy.” A way to show appreciation for a lucky break.

  2. Ryan Berenz, you are the smartest man alive! This movie should be quoted frequently in every household.

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About Ryan Berenz 2166 Articles
Member of the Television Critics Association. Charter member of the Ancient and Mystic Society of No Homers. Squire of the Ancient & Benevolent Order of the Lynx, Lodge 49, Long Beach, Calif. Costco Wholesale Gold Star Member since 2011.