American Idol cuts the contestants down to 11

by Ruth Anne Boulet

Steven Tyler has chosen to mark this American Idol results show with a glittery Grimace trenchcoat with some St. Patty’s Day beads. Nice touch Steven. He looks like a St. Patty’s Day/Fat Tuesday float all wrapped up into one. Ryan tries to convince us that the Idol contestants are now going to perform live for us. I don’t think Ryan’s lying this time as Jacob Lusk’s microphone was off when he started singing. How refreshing! A live performance that’s at least partially live! It’s a weird mash-up of Lady Gaga’s Born This Way and Steppenwolf’s Born to be Wild. Jacob has taken to grabbing his crotch as a pose. I assume he didn’t learn that in his gospel-singing days. Watch the American Idol group performance below while it’s still up on the YouTubes:

Before we dash someone’s dreams we get to see another crappy Ford commercial. The kids get to be in movies! And watch movies! Isn’t it sweet? Haley and Stefano don’t even come close to kissing! How wholesome!

The audience gets a copy of the Idol 10th anniversary crappy CD. I don’t know why they didn’t just call it “Now That’s What I Call Crappy American Idol 10!”

The Idols tell us about weird things they can do with their mouths. They discuss their pets. For some reason Shih-tzu is in appropriate for prime time and gets bleeped.

Ryan calls for the first dim the lights and we get treated to a jaunty Irish light jig. Then we get serious as Casey, Jacob and Lauren are called up to the stage. We get ‘pitchy’ defined before sending Jacob back to the Sofa of Safety. Lauren also gets sent back to the sofa. Casey gets psyched out, but he too is safe.

Haley and Paul are then brought up center stage. Haley blathers something about taking risk & putting all music types into a blender & smooshing them all into a cacophonous smoothie. Haley is in the bottom 3 and Paul is safe. Stools of shame for you Haley.

Haley’s torture will have to continue for a bit longer while we all listen to the song stylings of Lee DeWyze. Chicago suburbs! Woot! He still favors the “I’m going to vomit” style of performance. I’m waiting for him to announce his tour with Hootie. Now that would be a double-bill. It would attract guys like one I passed downtown this afternoon: about 50. In a dress shirt & khakis with a stupid foam leprechaun Coors hat on. Way to relive your bar-hopping past, Mr. Accountant. His song is as milquetoast as life in the Chicago suburbs was for me.

Now we must be delayed from watching the musical stylings of The Black Eyed Peas with some eliminations. You can watch their performance of Just Can’t Get Enough above. I wish it were as good as Depeche Mode’s Just Can’t Get Enough, but it’s not. Scotty, Pia and James are called center stage. Alfred E Newman is safe. What? Him worry? Pia is rocking the big sparkly hoop earrings and is safe. She should not wear high-wasted pants. No one should, really. There’s no need for the mom pooch unless one is a mom. Ryan asks Steven if he sees himself in James. He answers honestly & says no. Then he makes up some BS about how he does. Naima & Stefano are called center stage. Naima is in the bottom 3 with Haley. Stefano is safe.

Karen and Thia are the final 2 called up, so one’s safe & one’s not. Thia is the safe one. Karen gets sent to the Stools of Shame.

Black Eyed Peas are up next and apparently the phrase “Love you long time” isn’t inappropriate for prime time. Shih Tzu though, that’s dirty. Is it just me or does Fergie look different tonight? It sounds like her, but it just doesn’t look like her. It’s a Black Eyed Peas song — peppy and could be catchy to the point of annoying.

Don’t forget to donate to Japan! But now on to the important things on American Idol — the elimination. First sent to safety is Naima. Yay! After the nationwide vote, the person in danger of leaving us tonight is Karen. Amazingly Haley is safe. Karen’s got to sing for her life to see if the judges will save her. The judges pretend to listen. I predict that they’ll soon start ‘deliberating’ if they’ll save her. I’m sure Karen knows that would be stupid since it’s so early in the competition. If the judges blow the save now they won’t be able to use it when there’s really a surprising elimination. J Lo might be trying to make a case to save her. Or she might be discussing where she & Marc are going out later and seeing if Steven wants to join them.

Karen knows it’s about the votes but she knows she can do better. Yeah, they’re not using the save. Karen Rodriguez is officially eliminated. Karen gets her swan song package and gets comforted by the judges and the contestants.  I think while all that was going on I heard J. Lo say that Marc was going to come in & work with all of the kids on hearing themselves on stage. It’ll be interesting to see if he’ll be a guest judge or if that’ll all happen off camera. Hmmm…. Only time will tell on American Idol.