A few minutes with Kathy Griffin

By Jeff Pfeiffergriffin

Oh, to be as deliciously open and uncensored as Kathy Griffin, star of Bravo’s My Life on the D-List (which airs its season finale this Monday). At an outdoor shindig thrown by NBC/Universal during the Television Critics Association (TCA) tour, Griffin gabbed with a small scrum of reporters and let her thoughts fly on various topics of the day, never missing a wry, often tongue-in-cheek beat even as she managed to throw in ironically glamorous poses for passing photographers during the conversation:

On Paula Abdul Leaving American Idol
: This is a very tough time for me emotionally. I cannot imagine my life without Paula, in the way that Paula cannot imagine her life without, let’s say, Vicodin. Grief. Denial. It was the seven stages of death for me [on hearing Paula was leaving], and I don’t believe it yet because I don’t want to believe it. And I think they’re going to have the auditions in like Boise or something, and then there’s going to be a ray of light like heaven opened up its doors, and Paula’s going to stumble in and pick up where we left her.

On Wanting To Take Paula’s Place
I would only consider replacing Ryan [Seacrest]. Then that would make me king of the universe, because he apparently runs the whole universe and we’re just living in it.

On The “Outstanding Reality Program” Emmy Nomination For D-List
I’m campaigning like a motherf****r! I feel that I care about that statue more than anybody on [fellow nominee] Dirty Jobs, and I’ll say that right to their faces. I’m wondering if I could just like fudge the paperwork, or just make a little switcheroo happen? How hard can it be to take the envelope and take out a Sharpie and just change it to my name?

On Sarah Palin
I have a lot of emotions about Sarah Palin. I would love to get her on My Life on the D-List. I think she would do it at his point, let’s be honest. I enjoy watching Sarah Palin because she is unpredictable, she’s a wild card. I would not say “maverick,” she would. But I do enjoy her press conferences — which, by the way, aren’t nearly as well attended as this one!

On What She’ll Talk About As Host Of The Creative Arts Emmys
Jesus and dicks will be on the table … if you offend enough deities it might actually help you in the long run. And the more I think about it, I could do some bit where I focus right on Bill O’Reilly, because he just has it coming. I would like to see Bill O’Reilly replace Paula Abdul. Or Rush Limbaugh, because Rush can take more drugs than anybody. Rush can take about 67 Oxy in one day.

On Other FOX News Personalities
What a tool! [referring to Glenn Beck] I can’t believe anybody is buying that f***ing tool’s book! Or that pain in the ass Michelle Malkin, who can suck it. Michelle Malkin, let me just remind you, this conservative f***ing whack job, who implied that John Kerry shot himself in the leg to get a Purple Heart, and now her book is No. 1 on the bestseller list? F*** her, I’m taking her down. My book comes out Sept. 8, it’s called Kathy Griffin: Official Book Club Selection.

On Helping To “Roast” Joan Rivers
I roasted the hell out of everyone, and I got roasted. If you’re going to dish it out you’ve got to take it. When you see [Joan’s] set at the end of the roast [the roast airs this Sunday on Comedy Central], she knocks it out of the park. She basically gets up and says, “This is how it’s done, f***ers!” and then does it.

We do the roast, then Joan and I are e-mailing all night after the roast. And I said, “Okay, I have to see you one on one.” So I took Joan to Cher’s house, and the three of us sat around Cher’s bedroom and dished the whole night. It was just me watching a couple of divas.

On Al Sharpton
I have a crush on Reverend Al, and then I found out his wife is named Kathy. I thought I was Kathy Sharpton, and it turns out there’s another one.

On Whether A Role At CNN Would Be For Her
I do more hard-hitting stories than Christiane Amanpour ever could. I put up with less bias and bull than Campbell Brown. [But] they can’t afford me; I’m too big.

On Recycling
The Bravo people are always up my ass about being “green.” I recycle everything I can except my jokes. I try to keep those new and fresh.

On The “D-List” Season Finale
The finale … has special guest Suzanne Somers, who has more money than anybody in this yard, and Carol Channing, and Barry Manilow. We got Manilow! My hand to God — you know I’m an atheist, but — my hand to God, I did not know he was going to be on the D-List. It was a true surprise for everyone.


Credit: Mike Ruiz/Bravo