“One Tree Hill”: The Slippery Slope NEVER ENDS 22

by haro1d

If you missed it, chances are you’re not going to want a synopsis from me — you’re going to want to actually see last night’s One Tree Hill, as it was the Peyton/Lucas wedding episode. As such, I’ll try to keep the details in check a bit here, so I don’t spoil the event TOO much for you.

Here goes:

Things are going wrong with the wedding right from the get-go — the minister can’t make it, even as the chairs are set up, the arbor is in place and there are flower petals all over. Haley mentions to Lucas something about oneminuteminister.com, and he pulls out his phone, and before she’s even finished describing the service, he’s had her ordained — which means Haley will officiate the ceremony and sign the legal documents for the happy couple.

At the wedding, Skills has Jamie on a tether and harness so he won’t get away. (He does, anyway, leaving Skills with a dog at the end of the leash.)

Brooke fits Peyton’s dress, and as they talk and get all sentimental on each other, Peyton tells Brooke that if anything happens, she wants Brooke to take care of Lucas. They start crying, telling each other that they love each other and things take an almost borderline-inappropriate turn.

Mia is the entertainment for the evening, and as she sits on the edge of the stage at Tric, Chase comes in wearing a suit, and she gets all va-va-voom at him. Mia mentions that one of the things she likes about weddings is that there’s usually slutty wedding sex, and that Chase should wear suits more often.

Lucas is dressed for the wedding in some sort of horrible getup, a tweed suit or something, and Brooke is appalled, so she brings him a Hugo Boss suit to wear … and STILL, Nathan somehow manages to look more like the groom than Lucas does, and Nathan and Haley get all googly at each other underneath the arbor as Haley tries to ready things for the big event.

In a sort-of-return of the favor, Lucas has invited Jamie to be Brooke’s date … and being the classy guy he is, Jamie shows up with a date of his own, Missy — the ersatz Brooke from the now-defunct movie. Brooke is appalled, and spends the rest of the night in a fit of pique.

As Brooke, Haley and Peyton chill out before the wedding, Brooke is in hysterics and the others just ignore her, since everyone knows that she’s still in love with Julian. Meanwhile, Peyton advises Haley, if she gets stuck during the officiating, to just use song lyrics, quoting Cheap Trick as an example. (This will backfire in a spectacular way.)

Mouth and Millie are at the wedding, of course, and Mouth is shooting the wedding with his video camera, narrating about how Skills and Lauren are going to have slutty wedding sex, when Skills discovers that Jamie’s missing — and goes rather hysterical … and we see that Jamie has just been hiding behind a tree by Lauren, as she enjoys watching Skills go bananas, enjoying the moment.

Nathan is unhappy about something, obviously, and it comes out that he lost out on his chance with the Clippers — they called up Nino. He apologizes to Haley, but she reassures him that he’s swell … because we all know this is just a temporary setback. Nothing ever really rains on the parade at the Nathan/Haley/Jamie house. (Other than that kidnapping business.)

Just before the ceremony, Lucas is hiding from Brooke, whose insecurities are showing when she demands of the guys to know if she looks better than that slut, Missy. They all nod in agreement without even looking.

The ceremony begins, Peyton walking up the petal-covered aisle and meeting Lucas in front of the congregation. After Haley makes a motherhood joke that bombs, and starts quoting Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn,” Haley calls out Skills for not looking after Jamie, who’s over petting the dog. Then she comes to her senses and pulls out Lucas’ essay from eighth grade, in which he said that one day Peyton would be Peyton Scott, waxes a little philosophical on this handy bit of foreshadowing, and Lucas and Peyton exchange off-the-cuff vows that are a little sloppy, but heartfelt and guaranteed to get the 14-year-olds in the audience weeping. They exchange rings, and they’re married. Let the celebration begin, right? Well … yes. And because nothing has gone wrong during the wedding, and the only thing going wrong during the reception is Brooke and Julian trying to make each other jealous, something has to go wrong afterward.

Oh, yeah — after the ceremony, Brooke stops by the recording studio and crashes in on Nick Lachey, who’s attempting to lay down a vocal track. As she hugs him, she measures him with her tape and tells him to put on the suit she’s carrying with her — it should just fit him. All night long, she uses Nick to play off of Julian and make him jealous. Later on, Peyton will tell Julian to talk to Brooke, in no uncertain terms.

At the reception, Nathan is still smarting from his Clippers disappointment, and Mouth goes to talk to him. Nathan is having his doubts, and has missed practice unexcused to be at the wedding. Mouth tells him that if he could play like Nathan, he’d play wherever he could until they wouldn’t let him play anymore.

Mia plays a few songs, and the gang all get up two by two to spin around on the dance floor. Nathan is pouting, and Haley’s aware of why, so she drags him by the hand into the women’s room for the slutty wedding sex everyone has been talking about all night. (Anyone want to bet she gets preggers again from this?)

Meanwhile, Jamie takes Skills aside to talk to him about a problem — Jamie’s not totally down with Skills’ track record, chasing after both his grandma and his teacher. But Skills smooths it over quickly, and Jamie utters an unintentionally creepy line about so long as he leaves HIS girlfriend alone …

After the reception, Julian shows up to talk to Brooke, and asks her to dance. Brooke asks where Missy is. (Missy left after Julian accidentally called her “Brooke” at the bar.) Julian asks about Sam, and Brooke tells him about her moving away. They try to dance, but Brooke pulls away and says she just can’t do it, and that she misses him.

After this, Julian tries to track Brooke down at the store and runs into Victoria. And he tells her that he sees his own failure reflected in Brooke, and that he sees where she gets it.

During the final weekly “montage,” we see Missy and Nick Lachey about to have slutty wedding sex on the pool table, which everyone could have predicted.

At home, Nathan tells Haley that he’s getting tired of failing. Haley takes him to see Jamie sleeping, and she tells him that he’s that little boy’s hero, and that nothing else matters.

Lucas takes Peyton home to a lit and petaled home, and gets ready to surprise her with the fresh-repaired Comet. As he admires his handiwork and savors the moment, drops of blood start hitting the petals on the floor. When Lucas goes inside, there are puddles of blood and Peyton is passed out.

Next week, she’s in the ER.



Credit: Fred Norris /The CW ©2009 The CW Network, LLC. All Rights Reserved.