“How I Met Your Mother” Recap: As Fast As She Can

By Mike Frey

Synopsis: When we last saw Ted, he was standing on a street corner in the rain, and he had just been tapped on the shoulder by Stella. That’s where we pick things up in this episode, where we find out that Stella’s former and current boyfriend, Tony, is on the corner, too. Ted plays it cool. On the spectrum of ways he could have handled things, he’s much closer to having a French girlfriend who looks exactly like Stella but with enormous cans than he is to being a blubbering mess. Or so he thinks. Later, at his apartment, while he’s fantasizing about Stella showing up and saying, “Let’s get back together and have way more sex than before,” Ted gets a visit from Tony — who is, for some reason, wearing his kung fu pajamas. It seems Tony has mistaken Ted’s “jovial nonchalance” for sadness. The type of sadness that reminds him of a dachshund puppy with a bad back that’s got to pull itself around on a cart, in fact. And Tony simply can’t live with the guilt that he has reduced Ted to that state by stealing Stella from him.

Tony decides to make things up to Ted by using his family’s money and influence to offer him a job as a professor, the chance to build a “murder house” and the task of designing a husband for the Statue of Liberty. Ted finally manages to convince Tony that he does not want Stella back because of what she did to him. He does such a good job, in fact, that Tony dumps her. That’s when Stella arrives on Ted’s doorstep — not to get him back, but to get him to help her get Tony back. After some convincing, Ted helps her because ultimately he just wants her to be happy. A grateful Stella tells Ted that his “the one” is coming as fast as she can, and that he should be patient. Soon, Stella, Tony and Lucy are off to start a new life in L.A., where Stella sets up a new practice and Tony somehow writes a successful screenplay for a movie called The Wedding Bride.

While all of this is going on, Barney reveals that he has gotten a speeding ticket, and Marshall and Robin mock him for not being able to get out of it as they have done in the past. Marshall has tempted an out-of-breath cop who has mustard on his holster with the promise of brats. Robin has simply cried. Determined not to be beaten, Barney gets pulled over intentionally — 15 times — but he doesn’t get out of a single ticket. He does get thrown in jail, though, which helps the whole Ted/Stella/Tony thing play out.

And, oh, Lily’s back. Woo hoo!

What We Liked:

•  The big check metaphors. (Listed in order of chronology and awesomeness.)

Marshall: “A check so big it doesn’t take its shirt off when it goes swimming.”

Barney: “A check so big, if you had sex with it you wouldn’t tell your buddies.”

Robin: “A check so big, that when you sit next to it on an airplane, you find yourself wondering if the check should have bought two seats.”

What We Didn’t Like:

• The creepy guy who liked to do his own “laundry.”

• That Marshall had a sausage with Officer Jorgensen’s name on it.

Best Barneyisms:

• “Give it a week, you’ll get her back … and her front.”

• “What-up-quake”

• “Challenge accep-[points at Ted]”