“Family Guy” Season 7 Episode 15 Recap: Three Kings

Peter, seated comfortably in front of the fireplace in a library, announces that this episode will be a retelling of three stories by the greatest author of the last 1,000 years: Stephen King.

First up is Stand By Me with narration by Richard Dreyfuss, who’s the voice in Peter’s head. Roy Scheider’s the voice in Joe’s head, and they get into an argument about whether Richard really wants to get together with Roy for drinks to talk about old times, or whether Richard doesn’t want to meet up and is just being a dick about it. We go through the plot of the story with the sentimental soundtrack, and in the end are told that Cleveland, the chubby black kid, grows up to marry Rebecca Romijn (seriously—the chubby kid from Stand By Me grew up to marry Rebecca Romijn! Doesn’t that just piss you off?), and Quagmire grew up to be a famous actor who died of a drug overdose, sticking us with Joaquin Phoenix instead.

The second segment isn’t as good as the first or the third, but it’s Misery. Brian’s written the finale to his children’s book series and drives up a mountain in a snowstorm. He crashes into Stephen King, who writes the whole story before he hits the ground. Stewie, Brian’s Number One Fan, rescues him and forces him to change the ending of his book. And watch Magnum, B.M.

Last, and I think best, we have The Shawshank Redemption. Cleveland is Morgan Freeman, who describes Peter as “the kind of drink of water you know your friend got from the bathroom and not from the kitchen.” Peter eventually says two words to Cleveland, “vagina boob,” and a significant interracial friendship forms. Peter gets into all kinds of trouble with Warden Pewterschmidt: refusing to let him make money off of Peter’s stone-carved Star Wars figurines (Grievous! Wicked!), playing “Hollaback Girl” for the whole prison yard, etc. Eventually, Peter’s had enough of being punished and escapes through the poo system. Why he chose enchilada night, I will never know.

When all the stories are over, Peter thanks Stephen King (“We’ll see you in court”) and tells us to stay tuned for whatever FOX is limping to the barn with.

Highlights:

• Joe getting maimed in every segment

• Cleveland’s reaction to seeing the bridge they have to cross: “My ass…”

• Stewie’s riff on Contact

• Marmaduke in Stewie’s scrapbook

• “You’re being obtuse. Now you’re being acute.”

• Peter escapes prison while the warden’s watching Friends, banging the pipe with the rock at the clapping part of the theme song

• Warden Pewterschmidt’s tender violation of the David Cassidy poster Peter’s escape tunnel was behind

• “You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?” “CRAP!”

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