The investigative news series Inside Probe with Geraldo Rivera continues its story on the 2001 disappearance of Crab Shack owner Ernie Belcher. Earl and Randy have been cleared of any involvement in Ernie’s disappearance, so the investigation is back to square one. It’s soon discovered that there were reports of bright lights in the sky and UFO sightings on the night Ernie vanished. As they stick the probe even deeper inside, Geraldo learns that Ernie was big into the Civil War — he was profoundly loyal to the Central, the little-known neutral side of which Camden County was a part, that couldn’t decide whether to join the North or the South. Ernie continued to fly the flag of the Central on the Crab Shack’s roof, even though it was unpopular. It’s also discovered that Ernie was big into underground kinky sex, and was proprietor of the site ErniesFetishShack.com. (It does not exist. We checked.) Ernie also had hidden cameras all over the women’s restroom of the Crab Shack.
The pieces of the puzzle start coming together. Crab Man went up to the roof to take down the Central flag for the night, but had to fight a vandal trying to desecrate it. In the process, the flag pole crashed into the power lines, causing the bright flash of light that was mistaken for a UFO. This all happens while Ernie is in the women’s bathroom, walking over wooden planks to avoid stepping in freshly poured cement, to change the videotape for his peeping cameras. The power goes out, and a semi-conscious Ernie falls into the wet cement, sinking deep into it, with only his nose protruding above the surface. So what they thought was a doorstop all these years was really Ernie’s nose. The Crab Shack was always part of Ernie. Now Ernie will always be a part of the Crab Shack.
What We Learned
Losers with Old Televisions Miss Out on High Definition Jokes.
In a court of law, the testimony of a two-time Daytona 500 winner equals that of three regular Americans.
Who marries a hot blonde and doesn’t brag about it? You get a trophy, you put it on the shelf.
You need to get you some Radnor 6400 Welding Goggles.
When Civil War II starts, the Central will rise again!
Human noses apparently do not decompose at the same rate as the rest of the corpse.
Wisdom From Randy: If you happen upon a pile of ground beef with a sock in it in a parking lot, probably don’t eat the meat. The sock is yours to keep.
Crab Man Chronicles: While he agrees with the sentiment, Crab Man cannot allow Ernie’s Central flag to be desecrated.