Synopsis: Everyone wants to hear the story of how Michael told David Wallace to stuff it. Of course, now that there’s a story from Michael they actually want to hear, he’s totally botching it. “The revolving door … broken!” The employees are disappointed that Michael didn’t go out in a blaze of glory. Maybe Oscar will have a quitting story someday. He’ll dream until then.
We all know how much Michael screwed around at work when he was actually giving the effort. But now that he’s in the lame-duck two-weeks notice phase, he’s really living it up. He’s drinking Scotch and Splenda at the office. Calories be damned! But everyone else starts killing Michael’s buzz, asking if he’s made any effort to find a new job or has any prospects. Of course he hasn’t. He’s expecting head hunters to call him up any moment now.
New boss Charles Minor is already holding interviews for Michael’s job. He’s hiring from outside, for obvious reasons. As Michael meets one of the applicants for his job, it dawns on him that quitting might not have been the best idea. He does job searches on monsters.com (which is a really disappointing website), as well as placing a call to Prince Paper — the little mom and pop paper company he had a big hand in putting out of business — looking for a job. (“God bless you!”)
Then it dawns on Michael that he should start his own paper company, Michael Scott Paper Company. He asks Jim to join his venture, but Jim declines. Pam is a little more willing to help the startup — she offers advice on how to transform Dunder Mifflin order forms into Michael Scott Paper Company order forms. But Michael will just use a piece of paper and transparent tape instead. Michael then starts asking Dunder Mifflin employees to join his hopeless courageous venture, but there are no takers.
Charles discovers that Michael is starting up his own competing company, so he calls in security guard Hank to escort Michael out immediately. Michael gets into his PT Cruiser and drives off into the sunset. Well, for a moment, anyway, until he literally comes crawling through the front door. He’s come back to get some stuff and try to convince the employees to join him. Charles discovers Michael crawling around on the floor, and he doesn’t need Hank this time — he’s ready to throw down with Michael right there. Michael flees before Charles shows him what for.
But Michael did manage to recruit one Dunder Mifflin employee. Seeing what a jerk Charles is, Pam decides to join the Michael Scott Paper Company, but only if she can be a salesman. Jim freaks out at first — he just bought them a house and they’re getting married and all that expensive stuff — but then he understands where she’s coming from. Pam and Michael walk off in an ominous “what the hell do we do now?” moment like the bus scene at the end of The Graduate.
(Our illustrious colleague Mike is en route to Hawaii and can’t join us. Jerk.)
Best Moment: The “normal wear and tear” on the old copier: Creed stuffing quarters into it (and Oscar encouraging him to), Angela’s cat chewing on its power cord and Kevin dumping coffee onto it.
Best Quote: “I practically invented decline.” — Michael, on why he would be perfect as the owner of a company in a dying industry
Employee of the Week: Stanley, the new Productivity Czar. Can’t you see he’s urinating?
Best Moment: The sound of growling coming from Michael’s office, only to learn they were from Monsters.com rather than Monster.com.
Best Quote: “Little Miss Thing wants attention.” – Meredith’s remark when Pam asks for a drumroll during the new copy machine unveiling.
Employee of the Week: Mike, our co-writer for these recaps. He’s in Hawaii and I’m sitting in a cube typing. But my Dunder Mifflin employee of the week is Michael Scott. Who HASN’T dreamt of drinking Scotch and Splenda at their desk, without consequence, in their final days of employment?