Randy is lamenting his lost love, the Camdenite girl who lost her head and died in that car accident. Just kidding. They broke up. But this reminds Randy of his real first love, a girl he met in the summer of 1984 at the lake where his morbidly obese aunt Gail lived. Her name was Pinky because of her pink hair. Randy’s name was Skipper, because he skipped rocks on the lake. It was love at first sight for Pinky and Skipper, until they were supposed to meet one night on the bridge and Pinky didn’t show up.
Randy and Earl go back to the lake to see if they can track down Pinky. After several hours, the doddering old dude who rents boats at the lake finally is able to find Pinky. The old guy with no feeling in his penis called Pinky and arranged for Skipper to meet Pinky at the bridge. But when Skipper gets to the bridge to meet Pinky, it turns out that Pinky is … Joy!
It seems that Earl, tired of holding up his aunt’s back flab while Randy was out with Pinky, sent Pinky a fake note that they were breaking up and that she could go cry in the tissues she stuffs her bra with. Now Earl has to make it up to Randy by having Skipper make out with Pinky. Fortunately, Skipper is Joy’s “freebie,” so it’s OK with Darnell. But Joy won’t go along with it unless Earl breaks up Dodge and his future streetwalker girlfriend Tiffany. Earl sends Tiffany a fake note from Dodge, and now Pinky has to make out with Skipper.
Skipper and Pinky meet at the lake, and Skipper’s got a nice little romantic setup, complete with orange soda and Bobby Brown music. Randy soon realizes that he’s never going to be able to recapture their days as Skipper and Pinky. But Joy starts remembering how sweet Skipper was, and how young and innocent they were back then. Randy and Joy spend the day together as Skipper and Pinky, and at the end of the day, Skipper got to make out with Pinky — but didn’t get to touch the awesome tissues.
What We Learned
You know how expensive the dentist is without a coupon?
Your first love isn’t as great as the ’80s power ballads make it out to be.
People are living too long, I’ll tell ya. Too damn long.
Maybe I don’t even like Sinbad.
Wisdom From Randy: Sometimes you must let your jokes age like a fine wine.
Crab Man Chronicles: Crab Man’s prenuptial “freebie” was Anna Nicole Smith. If I remember correctly, she’s dead. Damn shame. One of the good ones.