ANTM Season 12 Premiere, Part One

America’s Next Top Model, Season 12 Premiere. We start in Las Vegas. Out of thousands of ANTM applicants, Tyra has chosen 34 potential models. There are 34 girls now, but by the end of this show, there will only be 12. In the end, there can only be one. (Cullen McCloud of the Clan McCloud. Wait, sorry, wrong show!)

The Jays introduce the girls to Caesar’s Palace and send them to the first challenge. The girls change out of their “street-walking” clothes and into white mini-tunics, keeping with the Roman Goddess theme. Then they go to their first photo shoot with Jay Manuel and take profile shots. Some girls are lovely and some are hideous. But can they take a good picture?

The second challenge comes immediately after the first. Miss J takes a look at their runway walks. There’s a lot of arm waving and shoulder shaking. These girls need a lot of work.

Enter the goddess of fierce, Tyra Banks. It’s a silly spectacle, but when in Vegas, do as the Vegans do? We don’t get a lot of face time with most of the girls.

In front of the judges:

Sandra – The girl from Kenya. She is tall, thin, dark and beautiful. She knows it. She thinks she is an African goddess. Miss J is jealous because it’s true.

London – The girl who preaches on the street. She wants to bring the word of the Lord to the fashion industry. Good luck.

Jessica – The girl from Puerto Rico. She has Latina flavor and an overconfident attitude that Miss Jay wants to smack right out of her.

Tahlia – The girl with burns. At only 8 months old, she suffered serious burns all over her body. She wants her tragic story to inspire girls to feel more beautiful and confident in their bodies.

The girl who believes the government is out to get us, man. She has a million conspiracy theories and doesn’t hesitate to ‘enlighten’ the judges. She and the God girl should have it out sometime.

Natalie – The girl who never had to work a day in her life. She grew up wealthy and spoiled. She has jiggly jubblies.

Aminat – The girl with the sweet fro. Aminat looks like a goddess from a different age, like a 1960s civil rights singer.

Kathryn – The girl with a pen collection. She is a small town girl and tried to impress the judges with her pen collection. Tyra called her out immediately, asking her to instead name 5 working top models. Poor kid from Indiana had a tough time with that one.

Alex – The girl from the trailer park. Don’t disrespect her or she will cut you.

Isabella – The girl who has seizures. She’s cute. Nothing more to say.

Nijah – The girl who was the prom queen. She indulges a request from Tyra and taps a little dance in heels. She is smiling, fun and confident.

Fo – The girl with cute freckles. She’s Blaxican. And adorable.

Angelea – The girl who looks like a man. Angelea is a drag queen with a diva attitude. She has Wolverine nails and wordlessly threatens a scratch-down to any girl who crosses her.

Celia – The girl who swirls. She’s perky and bright. She loves fashion.

Kortnie – The girl who eats. Kortnie is the only plus-sized model. What, like a size 4 in a sea of -2s? Her face is pretty and her attitude shines. For example, she considers the body a temple and sometimes her temple wants cheesecake. She once dated Dale Earnhardt Jr.

Allison – The girl with bug eyes. She is socially awkward and has a fascination with blood.

Teyona – The girl who thinks she is da bomb. The judges later confer and agree that her face looks like a wind tunnel, in a good way. Whatever that means.

After the first round of pictures and judging, 13 girls are cut. Jay Alexander and Miss Jay present a display of boxes with each girl’s name on one. If the box contains a wreath, that girl will move on to the next round. Most of the girls above made it through to the next round. Conspiracy girl is gone. Trailer park girl is gone.

The next challenge is another photo shoot with Jay. Each girl must embody the attributes of a goddess. Sandra and Angelea start fighting on set. They’re all like up in each other’s faces you know. That’s my imitation of their fight. It was pretty pathetic.

Tyra, Jay and Miss J review the photos. I like their comments. The final 13 who will move on to New York City in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model are:

Aminat, Natalie, Fo, Allison, Tahlia, Celia, Nijah, London, Teyona, Kortnie, Isabella, Jessica, and Sandra. Here’s a youtube montage for your enjoyment. I’m not sure I agree with the video’s choice for winner – I haven’t picked a winner yet. Let me think about that one, I’ll get back to you.