Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling: First Update

A few weeks ago we posted the results of our Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling fantasy draft, promising weekly updates and smack talk. We lied. But, in true pro wrestling fashion, just when all hope is lost, we get up off the mat, start Hulking up and … um, write some stuff.

First, let’s get caught up on the action so far. In Episode 1, the contestants were split into two squads: Team Nasty (managed by “Nasty Boy” Brian Knobbs) and Team Beefcake (managed by Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake), with Dennis Rodman, Dustin Diamond, Frank Stallone, Nikki Ziering and Erin Murphy representing the former and Danny Bonaduce, Butterbean, Todd Bridges, Trishelle and Tiffany making up the latter. Each team learned three basic moves: the forearm smash, clothesline and kick to the midsection. The in-ring action looked a lot like you’d expect given the lack of experience and limited repertoire of the combatants. Nobody looked great, but Tiffany was particularly bad, looking like she’d rather be at the mall singing “I Think We’re Alone Now.” She was sent home, and johnnysweeptheleg lost his fifth-round pick.

The following week, the headlock takedown, schoolboy and shoulder tackle were introduced. Dennis Rodman injured his shoulder while practicing for his match, leaving Frank Stallone to take his place in the ring. Not only is Frank the lesser of the Stallones, he was the weak link on Team Nasty. He was sent home, leaving johnnysweeptheleg down his second wrestler in as many weeks. This one stung because Stallone was his No. 2 pick — not to mention his favorite singer.

Episode 3 found the celebrities learning the basic tie-up, how to work the arm and how to work the ropes — as well as crafting their in-ring personas. On Team Nasty, Erin Murphy became the Mistress of Mayhem (or MOM), Dennis Rodman became RodZilla (essentially himself), Nikki Ziering became Candy Girl (a.k.a. hot girl in tiny outfit) and Dustin Diamond was the Winner (suuure). The adopted monikers on Team Beefcake were: Red Hot Redneck (Trishelle qualifies as both), Dangerous Danny Bonaduce (ditto), Mr. Not So Perfect (Todd Bridges as the anti Curt Hennig) and Mean Bean (actually a step down from Butterbean). The final decision came down to Erin vs. Nikki, and while Erin’s in-ring skills are clearly superior, Nikki is hot — so Erin is going home. Team Beefcake loses its second member, and Team Mike loses its first.

That brings us to Week 4 — which we’ll post about on Monday. We promise.