After Peter and the gang watch Jackass and are inspired to new heights of jackassery, Brian has to save Peter from drowning in the river. In doing so, he hurts himself, and everyone attributes it to his getting old. Lois points out that when you figure in his drinking and smoking, Brian is 79 in human years. To take the burden of being the family dog off of Brian, Peter goes out and gets a New Brian. Great idea, no? No.
The New Brian wakes Peter and Lois up with a flute serenade. He listens to Meg’s problems and vows to make her a little less gross every day. He sings fart songs with Peter. He gets Brian a stick and some weed, and vows not to judge him for the latter. On top of it all, he does a wicked impression of Punky Brewster’s dad and makes the best pancakes in the world.
Stewie tells Brian that this is the end for him: The New Brian is the Replacement Brian. To save himself with the family, Brian shows them a video of clips from his puppyhood, but everyone’s too busy watching New Brian sleeping and farting to pay attention. Eventually, Peter makes let’s-put-Brian-out-of-his-misery overtures, so Brian leaves. He stays with Cleveland for a while, and then Quagmire.
Eventually, Stewie can’t take The New Brian anymore, “He’s such a tool. He’s turning the family into a bunch of douches.” Brian’s not sure he wants to go back, though. Stewie confronts the New Brian and tells him no one likes him and that he’s going away soon. New Brian tells Stewie he humped Rupert for four hours, and that Rupert just laid there and took it, so now every time Stewie sleeps with Rupert, Rupert will be thinking of New Brian. Well, that’s it. Next thing you see is Stewie dragging a bloody trash bag to the curb, and Peter reading New Brian’s suicide note, in which New Brian describes how he had to kill himself, chop himself up and put himself in the garbage.
Brian’s back to being the only pet in the house. Until a hamster shows up.
• Abraham Lincoln’s neighbor responding to Abe’s comment that his grass is getting high: “Yeah, I used to have a guy for that. Dick.”
• Peter’s acrylic nails
• Was that Mumm-Ra the Ever-Living watching Brian make stool?!??!?!