The guys are at the spa for massages and a sauna treatment after Peter’s stressful Back to the Future morning. Once Peter’s mistaken the massage table’s face hole for a toilet and everyone’s insulted Sean Connery, Peter goes to Chris’ work for a snack. Chris and his manager are discussing plot holes in The Lord of the Rings, but when his dad shows up, he’s eager to get Peter’s advice about his new boy-parts problem. Peter accuses him of sexual harassment, and receives a year’s supply of free gas in exchange for not suing. What would you do if you had a year’s worth of free gas? Buy a space shuttle, of course.
Eventually, Peter gives up his shuttle and decides to take the family on a vacation to the Grand Canyon, but in a packing mix-up, Stewie’s left home alone. No one notices because they’re too busy doing an all-car sing-along to “The Rose” and visiting Ground Zero. Once it’s discovered that Stewie’s not in the car, Lois calls Quagmire and Cleveland to take care of him for the rest of the week. But Stewie gasses them as soon as they get to the house, then shackles them in the basement and forces them to watch the 24-hour DirecTV Help Channel.
Back on the road, Peter abandons his moving car to watch another family’s in-ride dvd showing of Operation Dumbo Sex starring Don Knotts. His own car crashes, leaving the family without transportation. They finally reach a train station, but instead of train tickets, Peter buys helium-filled shower-curtain rings with the last of the family’s cash. Lois rips him a new one, he gives the Planes, Trains and Automobiles monologue (ha — movie references!) and then they all hitch home in the back of someone’s truck.
It’s just in time, too, because Stewie’s run out of food, diapers, replacement diapers (Meg’s hats), and has been fired from his job at McBurgertown because he gorged himself on fish sandwiches. Just when it looks like it’s all over for the little guy, the Home Alone music starts up and his family comes back to him. All is well again, except that Cleveland and Quagmire are still shackled in the basement, reciting the DirecTV Help Channel over and over. Just as the credits roll, Cleveland asks Quagmire, “Did I tell you I’m getting a spinoff?”
Very few highlights this week:
• Adam West’s suit massage
• Persian radio: “It’s 21 o’clock and still 27 centigrade out there, so if you’re cruising along the left side of the road at 120 kilometers per hour, turn up the decibels!”
• Stewie destroying Hustler with a machine gun
• We learn that the only thing that doesn’t turn Quagmire on is when people say “rubbish” instead of “garbage.”