The Office: Crime Aid

Posted by Mike, Ryan and johnnysweeptheleg

Synopsis: Things are going well with Michael and Holly. They’re going on a third date, which, according to Michael, is the one on which you have sex. But does Holly share that opinion? “Oh, hell yeah,” she says.

Dwight (“D-Money”) is upset after receiving the Save the Date card for Angela and Andy’s wedding. He confides in Phyllis, who tells him that he needs to give Angela an ultimatum. So Dwight tells Angela that she must choose between him and Andy by 6:14pm or she can say goodbye to this (pointing at Dwight’s groin area).

Michael and Holly play some cards in the office after hours, until they decide it’s actually time to go out on their date. They never really make it out, and they end up having sex in the office. But they forgot to lock the door after leaving, and the office was robbed overnight. Oscar is without his laptop. Kevin is without surge protection.

Michael has an idea to recoup the losses from the robbery: CRIME-AID (Crime Reduces Innocence, Makes Everyone Angry, I Declare), a charity auction in which the employees put goods and services up for bid. Items include yoga lessons from Holly, hugs from Phyllis, Creed (all inclusive), a weekend at Dunder-Mifflin corporate honcho David Wallace’s place in Martha’s Vineyard, the chance to go out for a beer with the guys from the warehouse right now, and the big item: some Bruce Springsteen tickets Michael donated.

Jim wins the night out with the warehouse boys. At the bar, Jim runs into Pam’s ex Roy. Don’t worry — Roy doesn’t punch Halpert out this time. But Roy does give Jim a little dose of insecurity, and Jim decides he’s got to drive to New York to see Pam. But before he gets on the highway, Jim turns around. He doesn’t want to be “that guy.”

6:14 comes and goes, and Angela has made her decision. She’s sticking with Andy. Dwight again goes to Phyllis for advice, and their talk ends with Phyllis slapping Dwight.

The auction is slowly inching up toward its goal of $1 million. It seems that there aren’t any Springsteen tickets, after all. They, uh, must’ve been stolen in the robbery. But a hug from Phyllis goes for $1,000 — sold to her husband Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration — with Dwight driving the bidding up by a penny as a gesture of thanks to Phyllis for helping him.

After the auction, David Wallace notices Michael and Holly kissing. And so begins the end of Holly’s Dunder-Mifflin career.

Mike Says [Mike is currently being held in the dungeons beneath Disney World. He may add his thoughts on this episode, should he ever re-emerge. Please pray for him. In the meantime, Ryan and johnnysweeptheleg have taken all the good observations. Mike will take our leavings and like it.]

Best Moment: Daryl running down Michael’s top 10 list of Bruce Springsteen songs, which included three songs by Huey Lewis and the News, “Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman, and “Short People.”

Best Quote: “Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton.” — Creed, issuing a chilling warning to potential thieves

Employee of the Week: Phyllis. Not only did she dish out relationship advice to Dwight despite all his abuse, but her hug brought in the most money at the CRIME-AID auction — even more than phantom Springsteen tickets, Kevin’s tax skills and an all-inclusive Creed combined.

Ryan Says

Best Moment: Dwight, whittling a knife out of wood … with a knife. Can you think of a better way?

Best Quote: “It’s like Farm Aid, but instead of farms fighting against AIDS, it is us fighting against our own poverty.”Michael, on CRIME-AID’s mission

Employee Of The Week: (the original) Creed Bratton

johnnysweeptheleg Says

Best Moment: The look on Stanley’s face was priceless when Michael threw out the idea of wanting to auction people off like in the old days. Remember, Michael, Stanley used to fight the power and eat whatever he wanted.

Best Quotes: “If she starts having sex with me, I’ll know for sure.” — Michael, on how he will know if Date #3 is when the magic will happen.

“You’re always safe with me. I’m a very good screamer.” — Andy on how he plans to protect Angela

“So much for sex without consequences.” — Michael showing that he’s been sexually dormant for a long time.

Employee Of The Week: Roy! Or, I guess Ex-Employee of the Week is more like it. Roy was one of those screw-ups you’d love to hate. You never though he was good enough for Pam. But, he was good enough to go out for drinks with. As pro-PB&J as I am, it was great to see Roy.

1 Comment

  1. “Dwight, whittling a knife out of wood … with a knife. Can you think of a better way?”

    They say he carved it himself … from a bigger spoon.

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About Ryan Berenz 2107 Articles
Some things I like (in no particular order): Sports, Star Wars, LEGO, beer, 'The Simpsons' Seasons 1-13, my family and the few friends who are not embarrassed to be seen with me. Why yes, I am very interested in how much you like 'Alaskan Bush People.' #LynxForLife