"Hurl!" Here: Hurlpool

Posted by Ryan

Hurl! Tonight’s contestants on Hurl! aren’t waiting 30 minutes after eating to go for a swim. They will pig out on BBQ and then do laps and belly flops in a backyard pool.

Let’s meet the five guys who will receive total consciousness on their deathbeds: Christian, a barback (uh, a bartender’s assistant); Tyler, a drummer in a rock band; Jason, a superhero at a theme park; Bryan, an usher at a movie theater; and Lazar, an aspiring singer.

Each guy stands before 20 pounds of beef ribs (not organic?) and has five minutes to eat all he can. I recently became (mostly) vegetarian, but damn, these ribs look really good. Christian seems to think so, too, as he carefully savors each piece of meat, totally forgetting he’s in a timed eating contest. Actually, with the exception of Lazar “The Star,” who is going to town on the ribs, these guys aren’t being very aggressive with the meat. And, with the exception of Lazar, these guys don’t have any personality, either. I think we’re in for a disappointing Hurl!

Lazar chows down 2.18 pounds of ribs, putting him in first. Bryan and Jason will join him in the next round. Tyler and Christian are gone.

Lazar, Bryan and Jason have five minutes to swim 15 laps in the pool. Lifeguards are standing by in case one these guys sinks, though I’m sure the lifeguards will have to discuss the pros and cons of saving them. Now I need a ruling here: What happens if the guy doesn’t complete 15 laps in five minutes? I understand that anyone who hurls is out, but what if you’re just a slow swimmer? Bryan decides he’s being weighed down by pants, so he removes his shorts and swims in his skivvies — unfortunately, the Vomit Cam catches Bryan’s genitals trying to flee his undies. That’s definitely a Hurl! first. Lazar dominates the swimming round, but it seems to have taken its toll on him. All guys complete the 15 laps without hurling. Poor Lazar doesn’t seem to get any special reward for coming in first in the swimming. His effort was all for naught.

The contestants now must eat blueberry pie for four minutes. Lazar and Jason don’t feel much like eating, but Bryan seems fine with the food. He’s even offering his opponents some tips on eating. “I don’t need your advice, man!” Lazar snaps back. Lazar wore himself out swimming and he looks like he’s going to pass out. He can barely eat. But he eats enough to beat Jason. Bryan and Lazar advance to the finals.

But wait. Jason is such a competitor — or a complete idiot — he’s going to swim anyway! “Might as well,” he says. That’s the spirit, kid.

They have four minutes to swim 10 laps. Lazar gets his second wind and does some strong swimming. Bryan is swimming wildly, while Jason really is just sort of floating along. He has nothing at stake. After another look at Bryan’s little friend, both Lazar and Bryan finish their 10 laps in the pool without hurling.

Back to the tables for more pie. Lazar is slow with the food. Again, he overexerted himself in the pool and can’t eat. Bryan seems up for the challenge. Bryan gets the first Hurl Warning, and Lazar is eager to jump on the opportunity to give Bryan a Gag Attack, to no avail. Neither guy hurls, so it’s back to the pool for a belly-flop contest.

Each guy must perform 10 belly flops, which they do with grace and beauty — and without hurling. Since Bryan ate the most, he wins the $1,000.

And no one hurled in this episode of Hurl! I haven’t felt this kind of disappointment since those crappy episodes of BattleBots when both robots broke down before they could even touch each other. Boring.

About Ryan Berenz 2166 Articles
Member of the Television Critics Association. Charter member of the Ancient and Mystic Society of No Homers. Squire of the Ancient & Benevolent Order of the Lynx, Lodge 49, Long Beach, Calif. Costco Wholesale Gold Star Member since 2011.