"Hurl!" Here: Merry-Go-Retch

Posted by Ryan

Hurl!Our latest edition of G4’s Hurl! goes back to the playground, with contestants pounding the PB&J sandwiches and going for a dizzying ride on the merry-go-round.

Let’s meet the five gastronomes competing today: Miguel, a student who once streaked at a bowling alley; Pedro, a student and part-time caterer; Aaron, a student and part-time barber who just had his wisdom teeth pulled out earlier this week; Tony, a U.S. Navy chef; and Clark, a coffee barista who wants to host a TV show. That’s pretty much a cross-section of L.A. right there. We should mention that Miguel, Pedro and Aaron are buddies. Not sure if they’ve made some bargain on sharing their winnings.

Each guy has five minutes to put down as much of the 15 pounds of PB&J (it’s organic!) in front of them. They’ll wash it down with milk (it’s organic!). Why do I have images of that one milk commercial … you remember, the “Aaron Burr” one?

Tony looks like a merciless eating machine. They must teach that stuff in the Navy. He’s just taking huge fistfuls of PB&J and stuffing them into his face. Tony eventually ends up with a softball-sized, moist ball of PB&J that the announcers say is a “bolus,” a soft round mass of food ready to be swallowed, though something actually has to be chewed to be a bolus. I’ll say this for it, though: It is absolutely disgusting. Clark is absolutely awful at this game. There should be some kind of punishment for being this bad. Electric shocks or something. He claims to be a “long-distance eater,” whatever the hell that means. Pedro gets the first Hurl Warning!, but Miguel has gagged about four times. I don’t see either of these guys winning this thing. I’m not voting for Pedro.

Time’s up, and Clark is even worse at this than he appeared. He ate “a sandwich,” according to the announcer. It registers on the scale as a meager 5 ounces. Clearly, this guy was poorly cast. Back to Starbucks with you, buddy. Clark and Aaron are eliminated, leaving Tony, Pedro and Miguel to ride the merry-go-round.

The three contestants will ride for five minutes, with the merry-go-round being spun by Hurl!’s very own schoolyard bullies. Of course you remember these merry-go-rounds. I’m pretty sure every kid has been injured from either jumping on, jumping off or just getting bashed square in the teeth by one of the iron handles. Brings back memories. Tony is built for Hurl! As a Navy chef, he spends his whole life around food and seasickness. He’s also got a sweet Batman tattoo. If there was a Hurl! All-Star Game, Tony would be the top vote-getter.

But they all survive the merry-go-round, and they must now eat ambrosia salad, a picnic favorite consisting of marshmallows, cherries and whipped cream. Again, Tony is a monster at this. He makes me proud of our Armed Services. He’s almost too good at this. He and the other chefs must play this game all the time while bored at sea. But Pedro throws up a 2-Bucket hurl and is the first to go … Wha? … Pedro is eliminated from the game, yet he decides he wants to ride the merry-go-round some more. Maybe it’s a strategy. He’s going to puke on Tony to see if he can help his buddy Miguel win. But no, Pedro just wants to ride. Amazingly, no one pukes.

Hey, there was just a commercial for the Navy! Conspiracy?

It’s back for more ambrosia salad, and sudden barf. But still, Miguel won’t back down. They go on to the final activity, being spun around in tire swings by the hazmat crew. But still, both competitors survive, and Tony is declared the winner for eating the most food. Shortly after he loses, Miguel tosses up a 4-Bucket hurl. I salute Miguel’s courage, but it was no match for the awesome might of the U.S. Navy.

Navy. Accelerate your life.

About Ryan Berenz 2127 Articles
Some things I like (in no particular order): Sports, Star Wars, LEGO, beer, 'The Simpsons' Seasons 1-13, my family and the few friends who are not embarrassed to be seen with me. Why yes, I am very interested in how much you like 'Alaskan Bush People.' #LynxForLife