"Hurl!" Here: Octopuke

Posted by Ryan

Hurl! The five contestants will chow down on broccoli and cauliflower in cheese sauce, then ride The Octopus.

Let’s meet the five future congressmen competing today: Greg, a background actor and college student; Brian, an employee at skateboard shop; Theo, a UCLA physics student; Thomas, a construction worker and aspiring firefighter; and Jeff, a lifeguard.

So the guys have five minutes to work on the 13 pounds of broccoli and cauliflower (it’s organic!) in cheese sauce (not so organic), washed down with milk (it’s organic!). Greg uses Technique #18: The Cattleprod, which really is nothing more than giving a little elbow poke. (Is stabbing opponents with a your fork an acceptable strategy?) Jeff’s hair annoys the hell out of me. It’s a spike do, but it’s like a 12-year-old’s spike do if this were 1989. All that’s missing is the rat tail at the back. Jeff is also an obnoxious punk-ass. He talks too much, he yells stuff, he belches. They should put contestants in a room alone with this guy to see who’s last to hurl.

Thomas is just going to town on his broc & flower w/cheese. He’s consumed three pounds of it — the equivalent of “three regulation soccer balls.” I would probably do well in this challenge. I tend to eat large quantities of things swimming in cheese sauce. Thomas stalls a little bit, but he’s probably wise to slow down. He has a huge lead, and finishes with 55 ounces.

Thomas, Jeff and Greg move on, while scrawny guys Brian and Theo have to beg the audience for cab fare. It’s five minutes in The Octopus for the three remaining contestants. Greg thinks he’s riding rodeo like back in the day. He thinks it’s fun and all, but about two minutes in, he’s about to get kicked off the bull. He tosses up a 3-Bucket hurl, followed by a 2-Bucket encore. Greg and Jeff get to the finals.

They’re eating chocolate pudding (it’s organic!), which must sit really well on top of the veggies and cheese. Thomas gets the first Hurl Warning!, and he looks a little rough. Jeff is talking smack, and I’m worried that he’s going to win. Thomas probably overdid it with the veggies, and is now paying for it. I don’t see how Jeff loses this one. He’s unfazed, but he’s still an ass.

Another round on The Octopus, and Thomas seems to have overcome his early troubles, which Jeff may have turned the corner. It’s back to the table for more pudding with whipped cream. Both guys look like they can’t handle any more food. (I still haven’t figured out if there’s a point to eating a lot in the finals. ) But with a little less than five seconds left, Thomas unfurls a 2-Bucket hurl and a 3-Bucket hurl. That last helping of pudding was like a “spoonful of unhappiness.” I too am overfed with unhappiness. Jeff is the winner.

Jeff wins $1,000. Hopefully he will use it to buy a decent haircut or a personality.

About Ryan Berenz 2126 Articles
Some things I like (in no particular order): Sports, Star Wars, LEGO, beer, 'The Simpsons' Seasons 1-13, my family and the few friends who are not embarrassed to be seen with me. Why yes, I am very interested in how much you like 'Alaskan Bush People.' #LynxForLife