Posted by Ryan
So Hurl! hasn’t quite proved to be the pukefest we were all anticipating. Maybe the tide (and the stomach) will turn with the latest installment, “NASA NAuSeA.” I get kind of nauseous just looking at that title.
The contestants will each put away chicken pot pie and then take a whirl in Human Gyroscopes. Let’s meet the five enterprising Angelenos who showed up just for the free meal: Jon, a hotel concierge; Mike, a freelance production coordinator/former Marine combat swim instructor; Justin, an insurance auto appraiser; Dominik, a student/aspiring stuntman; and Tremaine, a standup comedian.
After some very weak, uninspired smack talk from the contestants, they start chowing down on chicken pot pies (They’re not organic? The hell?) for five minutes. Jon goes into Technique #3: The Face Plant on his CPP. Mike goes with Technique #12: The Scoop, while the other guys seem to prefer Technique #2: The Fork. Dominik, however, hates CPP and probably wants to quit. There’s one audience member, the guy yelling “Eat it! Eat it! Owww! Owww!,” who is using the Annoying Bearded Douchebag technique. Tremaine breaks out a new one, Strategy #57: The Joker-Choker, to try to get the other guys to laugh and throw them off their game, and follows it up with S#27: Gross-Out. You sense that Tremaine really wants the Iron Stomach.
Dominik starts coughing and gets the first Hurl Warning! Jon is in rough shape, too. He recently puked after riding the Teacups at Disneyland, so he might not be the favorite to win. But he is the favorite to show us the grossest thing we’ve seen so far on Hurl!: a Dangler, which is an “eating-induced snot drizzle.” As time winds down, Mike makes one last force-feeding using T#88: The Taco. He sort of just folds the paper bowl so it’s taco-shaped and then eats out the pie innards.
Mike, Justin and Tremaine move on for five minutes in the Human Gyroscopes. But while these three are spinning, it’s eliminated contestant Dominik who hurls 3 Buckets on the sideline. One of the announcers notes that they’ve collectively got 12 chicken pot pies in their bellies, the “equivalent of a small possum each.” Nice. All three survive the Gyros (mmm, gyros).
So it’s on to more chicken pot pie for Mike, Justin and Tremaine. But Jon, who was ousted in the first round, decides the game isn’t over for him. He takes a bucket over to the eating area, gags himself, and does a 1-Bucket hurl in front of the remaining contestants, using S#52: The Trigger. But Jon’s ploy fails. They eat on! Justin tries something that makes absolutely no sense: S#14: The Fake-Out. He points in a “hey, look over there” way, as if Mike is going to be fazed by it. But shortly after, Mike hits “The Wall.” He just can’t eat any more.
But Mike gets his second wind. Urged on by the crowd, Mike starts eating with T#147: The Dog. But now Justin takes a turn for the worse. He seems like he might pull out of it, and then … blagggh! A 2-Bucket hurl with only 20 seconds remaining. Then he follows it up with a Nose Job, a dreaded sneeze-vomit combo. I think there is actual chicken pot pie coming out of his nose.
Mike and Tremaine now must face four minutes in the Human Gyroscope, and this time they’ll be blindfolded. Though I’d think I’d prefer not seeing if I were in the Gyro. Tremaine is doing a hell of a lot of groaning, and with 2:09 left, Tremaine throws up a small but game-ending 1-Bucket hurl.
Mike is the victor. He will now appear on recruitment posters for the Marines, and go to high schools and tell students about his triumph over adversity and the gastrointestinal tract. Or he will step off the Gyro and immediately give a 3-Bucket victory hurl … and a 5-Bucket victory hurl … and a 3-Bucket victory hurl …
As it says in the Bible, “He who hurls last, hurls best.”
