Posted by Ryan
Earl and Billie are honeymooning … at the motel where Earl and Randy live. Billie shows Earl the list she’s starting up on her own — and Earl thinks he’s found the perfect woman.
But Earl still doesn’t know much about Billie, and he’s learning that marriage can sometimes be more give than take. He’s got to share his potato chips, his whereabouts must be known to her at all times, and he can forget about peeing in private. Also, the real Van Halen is Van Hagar. So clearly they have their differences, but there’s at least something they’ve got in common: There’s a guy who’s on both their lists.
Seven years ago, Joel (Jon Heder) was a grocery bagger who’d earned a place in the National Bagging Competition in Youngstown, Ohio. But while Joel was out of town trying to win the Golden Sack trophy, every crook in Camden County took advantage of the opportunity to rob his house. Billie stole Joel’s ceiling fan from a guy who was stealing Joel’s ceiling fan. Earl and Randy stole the TV and cut themselves a nice piece of Joel’s carpet.
So Earl, Randy and Billie go to Joel’s house to return his stuff. But it turns out that the robbery was just a small part of the cosmic crapstorm that befell Joel that day. He broke nearly every bone in his hand after punching a wall in his house that had graffiti sprayed on it. He was never able to bag groceries again. His hand has been swollen and disfigured for seven years. Billie thinks that she can cross him off her list simply by returning the ceiling fan, and not repairing the damage done to Joel’s life. But Earl won’t stand for half-assery when it comes to karma.
“Southclaw” Joel is now merely a broom jockey at the grocery store. Without any ideas for helping Joel out, Earl just offers him a round-trip ticket to anywhere Greyhound goes. But when Earl displays quick reflexes in catching groceries, Joel thinks that maybe he can coach Earl into winning the bagging championship. So Earl endures some Rocky-style bagging training, and becomes a master. And when it comes to the competition, Earl cruises through the first three rounds, even beating Barry Schmo, sending him home with an empty sack, and sending Angry Gustav back to Baltimore even angrier. Earl has earned a spot in the finals against Bagger Lance, a 12-time champion.
While Randy is massaging Earl’s glutes in preparation for the finals, Billie tells Earl that she’s already finished her list. She just called everyone and said she was sorry — karma doesn’t have to be as hard as he’s making it. Earl chews out Billie, and in the argument, Billie breaks Earl’s finger. His Golden Sack is now in serious jeopardy.
But Earl and Joel exploit a loophole in the rule book and compete together, each using only his good hand to bag the groceries. After struggling early, Earl and Joel find their rhythm and catch up to Bagger Vance and win the Golden Sack.
Seeing the determination Earl had in helping Joel has inspired Billie to give the list her full effort. It’s also inspired her to recommend Earl shave off the mustache.
Yeah, Billie’s got to go. Sorry, Alyssa. We love you, but maybe it’s time to go back to making slutty MLB-licensed apparel.
What We Learned:
Things you can do with a $25 gift certificate to Applebee’s: go to Applebee’s
Tea-Bagger. Get it?
Jesus was able to fit every item from the Last Supper in one bag.
Don’t see the food. Feel the food.
Grocery groupies love a winner.
Wisdom From Randy: Brains are funny. Shake them around hard enough, and it’s like, “Whoa, who’s steering this ship?”
Crab Man Chronicles: For cripes sake, can someone just please give us some Crab Man?
Photo: Copyright © 2008 NBC Universal, Inc. All rights reserved. Credit: Mitch Haddad