Get The Hook, This Is American Idol

by WindUpDoll

It’s an American Idol results show, which means you get about 5 pounds of content in a 50 pound bag. There’s Ryan blabbing with the judges and ripping on Simon. And then we get a cheesy ‘package’ to a Daughtry tune. Ryan has to ‘lead’ the applause after it.

And then it’s the group number! I love the group number! ‘Cause they usually suck big time. Tonight, the guys are all in matching suits with ’60s-sortof styled hair. Colton looks more ’50s, and rocker David’s hair still looks way crappy. The girls don’t have to match, but it looks like most of them got extensions, ’cause, you know, it’s a special night. I’m surprised the stylist chose such a conservative Twiggy-esque outfit for Carly and not something that covered up her huge tattoos. Someone starts the wrong lyric at one point, which, considering there are 24 of them, shouldn’t come as a big surprise. You know Simon is just cringing in his chair at the crap-tacularness of it all.

Speaking of Simon, doesn’t the guy have time to eat before the show? I know it’s 5pm on the West Coast, but come on, did he have to finish his dinner on national television?

Thankfully we’ve got 4 to axe tonight, so we don’t have to wait the entire hour to learn the inevitable. Of course, though, we have to have a recap of Tuesday’s episode. I think we’re already running behind. Oh, man, we have the Ryan ‘let’s have a chat’ crap. Wow, but he takes Garrett out and sends him home lickety-split. Now, I know they were running behind. Randy’s parting advice: “Work it out, dude.” I guess the cute didn’t work for him. I’m relieved. Thank you, America. You’ve given me hope. He gets to sing one last time and yep, it’s just as boring as last time. Actually, he lets go a little bit, making it a bit better, but that usually happens, too.

Time to take out one of the girls. We probably have a little time to torture them. Oh, maybe not. I forgot about the ‘in case you forgot what happened on Wednesday’ recap. Ryan calls Kristi Lee Cook up, giving her a heart attack, but she’s safe. Of course Amy Davis is the one going home. Again, it is as it should be. Thank you, America. I think instead of hearing her ‘sing,’ I’ll just go check on my spaghetti squash. You know someone’s going home when you have to scroll through almost 10 pages of YouTube results to get her performance.

I feel bad for the next couple of people who will be booted. Ryan’s now got a full half-hour to torture them. Ok, 15 minutes a piece, but still. We’ve done the recap, so we don’t have that filler to kill time. We’ve just got Ryan. Cruel, cruel Ryan. And he rips on Simon for being mean. Simon’s at least honest & direct.

Oh, we’re going to take a break from the eliminations and rip on the judges. Oh, they’re going to bring up the Paula Abdul/Randy Jackson collaboration. Apparently they’re going to show the ‘official’ video. It’s one of the few videos I’ve seen that actually shows the bass player. They also show Paula leaving Randy’s high five hanging. There’s a weird nautical dance bit for some reason, at one point they do some contact improv. There’s not as much dancing in it for a song titled ‘Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow.’ It’s very ’80s.

Oh yeah, we’re here to axe another girl. Ryan calls down Amanda and Joanne. One of them is going home. Of course we go to commercial. We come back from break and Ryan does his recap of each contestant with the lights dimmed. America voted — Joanne is going home. She sings her way out and lots of girls cry.

For the guys, Chikezie and Colton are called forward. Ryan does the recap and in the end it’s Colton going home. He’s choked up. The judges are asked their advice. Simon tells him to get a good job and enjoy singing on the side. I don’t recognize the ‘see ya’ song this year. It’s not the Daughtry song from last season. It sounds a little Green Day-y. Time for Colton to sing, now that he’s gotten a chance to get it together. He’ll be cut off eventually. The last ones usually do.

But that’s the way life is on American Idol. One day you’re in it, but as soon as you fall off the ride, it’s like you didn’t even exist. Except on the web. See you next week for American Idol.