The Rhythm Is Going To Get American Idol

by WindUpDoll

Can they spare me the Miami Vice theme song intro for this episode? Am I mad at myself that I didn’t see that coming? The answer is yes — and this is — American Idol.

Oh, and now it’s that crappy Miami Sound Machine song. I can’t STAND that song. The rhythm is NOT going to get me, Gloria Estefan. It’s just not. Simon calls Paula’s dress very slutty. As usual, he’s correct.

Our first contestant is a champion burper. Yes, it’s a girl. And she’s following the Miami Vice/’80s theme for tonight with a teal off-the-shoulder number. Her parents are very proud of her, and she’s won some local Idol competitions, apparently, so when they tell her she’s awful, she’s completely flabbergasted.

With the next guy, they do something I don’t think I’ve ever seen on an Idol audition. Seacrest tells us up front that he gets a ticket to Hollywood. Well, what fun is that? They also own up to the fact that this guy has previous boy-band experience. We don’t get told if it’s a boy band anyone has ever heard of, but it’s a start to acknowledging that maybe, just maybe some of these folks have some professional singing experience.

Time for the crappy guy montage. We’ll see if they give crappy girls some equal time. This leads up to a guy from Venezuela. He can apparently do that gypsy-style of guitar playing, which I love. He can also play harmonica. Can he sing? Well, yes, but he’s got a thick accent. He’s through to Hollywood, and kissing everyone on the way out.

Next up, we’ve got a couple of best friends. One likes skinny guys, one likes bigger guys, which probably helps them stay BFF. Both of them are good singers, and huge personalities, which helps in this competition. We’ll see if they stay friends when they both go to Hollywood. And each one gets to give a kiss to their favorite flavor. Even Paula gets some love. Seacrest asks if Hollywood is ready for them. Good question, Ryan.

We get to focus on one of the auditioners. She went to a performance school, but had a child at 18, so has been away from singing for 3 years. She sings “I Can’t Make You Love Me” which I love. She does well, and is through.

Jasmine Trias’ album went platinum? Seriously? She released one? Ick. Man, I want to smack the flower off her head all over again. This introduces us to another Asian hopeful. She’s way better than Jasmine Trias. Simon thinks she’s a hotel singer, but Randy and Paula put her through.

We get another contestant focus, this time with her dad, who just graduated from a drug rehab program. She’s way happy and positive and has a big voice, so she’s through. This sets up a rapid-fire succession of girls getting through to Hollywood.

So, we’ve had a lot of good singers, it’s time for some bad ones, including a guy whose hair looks like a huge skunk. Then super-gay guy gets told to come back in a dress. And he’s surprised. Please. He’s followed by super-nasal Hispanic guy singing a Rascal Flatts song. Oh, I forgot, nasally is a form of singing.

Next is a top 20 finalist from American Juniors. Thank the good Lord above I never watched American Juniors. Wow, the ‘group song’ clip they show is horrific. She doesn’t believe in mediocrity. She’s singing Janis Joplin as only a 16-year-old can. Thinking she can actually relate to it. Honey, you’re 16. She died in her 20s of massive drug use. You can’t relate yet, and hopefully you won’t truly relate to it. She’s pissed when she gets denied. She gets really pouty and doesn’t know what precocious means or why being precocious might be a problem. I hope she’s looked that word up by now. I’ll link to a definition as a public service to all the 16-year-olds out there.

Crazy guy in a white suit alert! He does an ‘intro’ to show some of his ‘talents.’ He ‘sings’ “I’ll Make Love To You” and begins to disrobe. Thankfully it’s just his jacket. He then sings his original composition “I Know I’ll Be The Next American Idol” and does a lot of really weird stuff. Really weird. Uncomfortably weird. Way to give a creepy buzzkill at the end of the show, Idol.
Miami earned 17 golden tickets, which I’d like to note is 2 less than Omaha. I’ll let that sink in. We’re off to Atlanta next week.