This episode focuses in on the corn. We’re in the Heartland of Omaha, Nebraska this week, so naturally everyone grows corn, eats corn & lives corn. As someone who lives in the Midwest, I can tell you that there’s more than corn & cows in The Heartland. There’s beer.
First up is a guy who’s been waiting to audition for the last 7 seasons. He’s so happy that he feels like he’s going explode & happiness is going to go flying everywhere. He’s so awesomely excited & nasally in his speaking voice that you just know he’s going to be horrible. He brings gifts to the judges and his photo album of pictures of himself and Kelly Clarkson. He gets all emotional when talking about how grateful he is that Idol has finally come to Nebraska. He sings “Since U Been Gone” & punctuates his performance with a handstand. Simon loves the handstand & the sucking up, but is honest about the singing not being good. Boldly, he asks to audition for the red carpet reporting people do for the finale. Simon says he should call the local Fox affiliate and say that he wants this kid to cover the red carpet for their local station. The kid is absolutely way gay freaking out — jumping up & down, almost squealing, yelling outside the auditorium. I hope our Fox affiliate uses him too.
Our first Heartland Farm Boy has appeared, and he’s nervous. Real nervous. You really can’t blame the kid as he’s from a town of 500 people. He can’t get the words out — Simon even gives him a line of the song. After about 4 tries, he finally gets the words out, but you wonder how long he’ll last in Hollywood with those nerves.
And then it’s time to play “You Forgot the Lyrics!” It’s really bad singers, with really bad stage presence, who can’t even get the lyrics right! They’ve even got a guy who looks like Nick from Freaks and Geeks! I’m glad they only do this for about 30 seconds.
Next up is arm wrestling girl. She’s won 6 arm wrestling competitions. Yes, she sings a country song & does that goat-like country thing. It’s not good like the goat-like thing Shakira does, but that involves hips. Randy calls her on the half-yodel. She is a halfway decent singer, but she reads old, which isn’t good on Idol.
You know, Siouxsie Sioux doesn’t get enough credit, and I’m glad Lady Morgue is channeling her with the eye makeup. She’s a goth girl, former WAM wrestler, singing a showtune. Yes, she’s bad.
The next contestant is stuck in the middle of slaphappy judges. Ryan has swapped places with Paula for some reason. Thankfully this singer is good, although not confident, so she makes it through, despite the judge drama. And so begins a montage of good singers. One even gives the smackdown saying she’s going to prove Simon wrong, that she IS going to be America’s Next Top Model. Isn’t that awesome? It’s one of those things that gives me hope about the human race — laughing at oneself as one references the wrong reality show. Sweet.
Next up, go Kenosha! I took the Amtrak through your backyard today! She had a special moment with her dad while at Country Thunder, which is why she’s here auditioning for American Idol! It is also on the way to my parent’s house. See, I’m connecting to the contestants. She copies Celine Dion, but she is 17, so they tell her to get her own voice and bring it to Hollywood.
We’ve got a Rocker focus on this episode of Idol. Given the success of Daughtry, they’re out in force this year. We get treated to a little clip from a Daughtry video, and he still looks just like a bald Christopher Lowell. I expect him to rock out and make me something fabulous out of chinz. You can do it, dude with a fauxhawk and an argyle sweater! You’re edgy! And by singing the slowest version of “Living on a Prayer” I’ve ever heard, he’s through to Hollywood.
Oh, lord, there’s a guy with a really horrible haircut and a lame shirt. I know that doesn’t narrow things down on Idol, but aren’t all contestants that fit that description all the same? This one sings “Shout.” It’s everything Simon hates, which makes it kinda cool.
Tonight’s horrible song for the masses to butcher — “Stuck in the Middle With You.” People are silly bad, dramatic bad, bad bad, and weird bad.
Our last contestant is singing a Donnie Hathaway song, so I automatically like him. He also said that his mother says she got the best Homecoming Queen, too bad it wasn’t one of her daughters, so I like him even more. See, Idol does have love for the gays.
Omaha sends 19 very happy people to Hollywood, and we’re off to Miami tomorrow.