Tsk, Tsk, Project Runway A Shamecap

That’s right, I’m not calling this a recap. No, no, this is a Project Runway shamecap — a recap laden with shame for the program being recapped. Why, you may ask? Because the teases for the upcoming episode promised me a Jack announcement that would be shocking — SHOCKING, I tell you.

Did I get that? No. I got dooky squat, was what I got. Oh, you’ll see the tease as they open the show, but you’ll get no resolution or any sort of leatherwork-help-getting-cheating or pattern-book-hiding satisfaction. Grr.

So we have the blah, blah, “Why did she have to go” blah, blah mandatory blather. Then we have the solemn Selecting of the Models ceremony. Please, I just watched America’s Next Top Model, I’m not investing emotionally in any more models. It’s too heartbreaking when they go home. I wake up when Heidi says something about designing for a fashion icon.

Back in the workroom, rumors run rampant — who is this ‘celebrity icon?’ Is it Madonna? Britney Spears? (They all concur that she could use the help.) Maybe something fun like Snow White — wouldn’t that be magical? And lame?

Well, Tim comes in to reveal all, and the designated fashion icon is… Dee Snyder! I mean Sarah Jessica Parker, or SJP as she’s known. Chris is crying ’cause he moved to NYC because of Sex and the City. I guess he was living in Jersey for the other decade he was designing for Broadway.

Our fearless designers have to come up with an outfit of 2 pieces for SJP’s new line, Bitten. Rowr. And Bitten is for the ‘average American woman’ so therefore, it’s got to be affordable — each entire outfit must retail for $40 or less, which means the designers get a whopping $15 to spend a Mood. Chris is convinced he’ll be constructing something from toilet paper & Scotch tape. He’s just stealing thunder from next week’s challenge.

So, they’ve got 30 minutes to sketch & then pitch their design to SJP who will pick 7 designs. Yep, it’s the pair’s challenge! Of course, some designers freak out when they meet SJP. Chris can hardly speak; Kevin doesn’t shake her hand; Christian asks for a hug. This challenge is really, really, important to Ricky, so of course he cries. (That’s the second time in as many episodes for those of you playing the home game.)

The winning design MAY, and I repeat MAY be sold nationwide in the Bitten collection at Steve & Barry stores. Snooze. Although at least my ears don’t bleed in Steve & Barry stores like they do in Old Navy. Our designs selected are from: Elisa, Kit, Victorya, Marion, Ricky, Christian and Rami. The teams then, are: Elisa, Sweet P; Kit, Chris; Victorya, Kevin; Marion, Steven; Ricky, Jack; Christian, Carmen; Rami, Jillian.

Sweet P is concerned. Very, very concerned. She has reason to be. For one, Elisa is obsessed with only making one cut. Secondly, Elisa likes to ‘spit-mark’ her fabric. It imbues it with energy and spirit, you see. Sweet P says that she lives on the Planet Earth and likes it here.

In the flurry of construction, Christian thinks his garment is perfect. Elisa is surprised everyone thinks she’s nuts. Steven is concerned about time and the complexity of Marion’s garment.

We’re at commercial now, and I have to ask: why, Bravo, are you showing the ‘straight’ version of the Levi’s ad? Are you completely unaware of your target market, or is Levi’s? Just wondering. Oh, and while we’re on commercials, I’m not watching Make Me a Supermodel and they can’t make me. It’s not ANTM, and it never will be. Even the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency can’t make me. As I’ve said before, I can only care about a certain quota of models at a time. Oh, and Bluefly.com, please use models who look older than 16 to do your ‘nothing to wear’ ads. That Thanksgiving one is WAY uncomfortable for me. Way. I hope you’ve got documentation on that girl to prove that she’s legal. Ick.

The lack of confidence at midnight has given way to new-day determination. By the time the models show up, most teams are ready to go & are feeling good. Except, of course, Marion & Steven. They’re pinning their model in till the end. Marion confesses he was off by 2 inches in his measurements and on these girls, 2 inches off is huge.

Let’s start the show.

I actually really like Elisa & Sweet P’s dress with cape. It’s fun & different and absolutely polymorphic, without a doubt. Then comes Victorya & Kevin’s black dress with a big bow thing and no shape whatsoever. Yawn. Her stuff just isn’t my style. I’m not playing Madeline or French impressionist, so I have no need for her creation.

Chris & Kit have come up with a simply little French outfit. Rami & Jillian’s outfit was cute, but not at all memorable. Ricky and Jack also came up with something fun & forgettable. Christian & Carmen love the ’80s and so do I. I have very little in the way of shoulders, so I always appreciate a structured jacket. The judges thought it was an Addicted to Love kind of moment. Um, guys, that would’ve been a black dress, not a bright blue one.

And then there’s Marion & Steven. Sigh. So much ambition, so little time. My girlfriend called it Clan of the Cave Bear & I have to agree — especially with the rat job they did on the model’s hair. Michael Kors, however, likened it to Pocahontas, which is also apt. Michael also mentions in their ‘private’ discussion that if a 5’3″ woman tried to wear their dress, that woman would look like Cousin It. I’d like to thank Michael Kors for actually thinking about those of us who will never fall in the statuesque category.

Ricky, Jack, Chris & Kit all get spared immediately. The rest get to sweat things out waiting for a decision. As this is a team effort, in the case of the ‘bad’ designs, the judges try to get team members to rat each other out. It sort of works, but it just seems unnecessary. If you’re going to have your design selected, of course you should be the one to take the fall if it doesn’t go well.

The winner is Victorya, so there’s something else that I won’t be buying in Steve & Barry. Oh, well.

We’re then down to the final two — Christian and Marion. Of course Marion’s going to go. You can’t send Mr. Fierce home just yet. He has to have his 21-year-old hopes & dreams smashed first, and it looks like Marion is way beyond that point in his life.

So, Auf Wiedersehen Marion. I hope you got to see the Jack drama. I sure didn’t, but I did see Ricky cry AGAIN, bringing his weep total up to three.