Countdown To Extinction Week 6: A “Cavemen” Recap

Like “The Onion” once did with John Leguizamo’s abysmal sketch show “House of Buggin’,” we’re going to provide weekly recaps of “Cavemen” until it gets canceled.

Thanks to a malfunctioning TiVo and some trouble with the “Watch Full Episodes” portion of ABC’s website, the recap is a little late this week. (OK, fine — really late.) So let’s not waste another minute in getting to the recap.

As “Rock Vote” begins, there is a California state election coming up, and Nick and Joel each have a candidate for whom they believe an undecided — and incredibly uninformed — Andy should vote. Nick supports Red Goldreyer, a caveman candidate, because, well, he’s a caveman candidate. Joel’s behind Jack Whitman because, we find out later, Kate and her mom are involved in his campaign. Andy just wants to play his Aggravated Assault 2: City of Blood video game.

Later, while the caveguys are out having a drink with Maurice, their apartment is robbed. Andy takes it the hardest, mostly because his video game system was taken, and his entire view of their city changes:

Andy: “They should call it Scumballtown, home of the San Diego Scumballs.”

Nick: “If it was called Scumballtown, why would their team be called the San Diego anything?”

Andy: “Because they’re scumballs, Nick.”

Joel uses the robbery as an opportunity to point out that Jack Whitman is tough on crime. Kate’s mom is throwing a fundraiser for Whitman, whom she used to date — whether it was before or after she was married remains unclear — and all three of the caveguys decide to attend. Andy is impressed with Whitman’s plan to reduce crime and is convinced to vote for him in the election.

Read the rest of our Cavemen recaps: Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6

He’s also convinced by Thorne that he should carry a handgun for protection. She recommends a .45, which is apparently too heavy to be a purse gun, which is why she carries a .22. Makes sense, I guess. Thorne takes Andy to a shooting range for a little target practice, and after he hits a paper target in the head, Andy freaks out enough to back out of backing Whitman. Nobody told Whitman, though, who has distributed posters of himself and Andy shaking hands, as a means of attracting the caveman vote. Nick discovers the posters in a scene that’s really only notable for its use of the awesome Spoon song “The Underdog.”

Nick, seeing that Andy’s support for Whitman has faded, takes Andy to a Goldreyer fundraiser, where it’s revealed that Goldreyer’s big campaign issue is … gluten. You know, the stuff that’s in bread. “The first step is purging our bodies of gluten,” Goldreyer says. “Only then is peace between nations possible.” Realizing he’s backed a total nut-job, Nick tries to get his very recent campaign contribution back. Joel also begins to question his own choice of candidates, when he goes to Whitman headquarters to confront Whitman about the campaign posters and Whitman uses the visit as yet another photo op.

Meanwhile, Andy is sick of being told how to vote by Nick and Joel, and delivers a surprisingly concise and coherent rant that says as much. He even quotes Rebel Without a Cause. Then, he ruins it by returning to explain that he’s “not some bocce ball in [their] little game of lawn … bocce ball,” which is apparently a reference to Caddyshack II — but who outside of Chevy Chase would actually know that for sure?

The election comes, and all three guys vote for a candidate named Witherspoon. Nick and Joel both vote for her because they like the name — it reminds them of Reese Witherspoon. While they debate the correct pronunciation of “Phillippe,” Andy reveals that Witherspoon is actually a man named Bruno, and that Andy has apparently brushed up on his politics. It turns out he’s the only one of the three who ended up making an informed decision at the polls. Good for him.

Even better for him is the fact that he was able to buy a secondhand video game system from Maurice to replace the one that was stolen. Not so good for him is the fact that the two game systems are one and the same, and he has just paid Maurice for his own game. He feels ripped off, sort of like someone who had to wait two days for a recap of this episode. Sorry. Next time — assuming there is one — the recap will be delivered much more promptly.