“How I Met Your Mother” Recap: Spoiler Alert

Ted Mosby is a decent-looking guy, right? He’s got an above-average personality, too, judging from the fact that we’ve all been willing to spend a half-hour a week with him for the past two-plus TV seasons. But is anybody else beginning to question his dating record? Granted, his dating stories are being told a couple of decades in the future and have unfolded over the course of a few years — but by sheer volume, they’re pretty impressive. Almost too impressive. I mean, how many women can one guy date? Particularly a guy who grows up to be Bob Saget? Anyway, there’s only a finite combination of words in the English language, and I just used up a bunch of them, so it’s probably best that I just get on with the recap.

Ted’s got another new girlfriend this week: Cathy —played by the super-hot Lindsay Price, whom you might recognize from Beverly Hills, 90210, Pepper Dennis or the episode of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose she did when she was 15 — and Ted thinks everyone is going to love her. After all, she knows all about art, she’s open to the existence of UFOs and she’s hot but not hotter than Robin. [Actually, Ted, that’s not true — she’s totally hotter than Robin.] Turns out Ted is wrong, and everybody hates her. They won’t tell him why, only that “she’s a keeper … just keep ‘er somewhere else.” To get more specific would shatter Ted’s illusion that there’s nothing wrong with Cathy.

While everyone else is trying to protect Ted’s relationship, Marshall is only interested in finding out the results of his bar exam. He’s not even distracted when Barney tries unsuccessfully to get him to watch a viral video of a dog pooping on a baby — which we would have thought, despite Marshall’s protests, would have been something he’d want to see. But nothing is going to stop Marshall from finding out if he is going to be a lawyer or not. That is, except for the fact that he has lost the password he needs to access the results. Not willing to wait six weeks to get them by regular mail, he accepts Barney’s offer to get him software that will allow him to circumvent the website’s security system. Later in the episode, the software is revealed to be part of an elaborate hoax to get Marshall to watch the video, which Marshall eventually admits is pretty cool. (See? I knew it!)

As crazy as the whole situation is driving Marshall, Ted is going just as crazy trying to figure out what Cathy’s fatal flaw is. Did she frame a former teacher as a sex predator? Does she volunteer as puppy killer? Did she used to have a penis? Fortunately, it’s none of those things. Marshall finally tells Ted that Cathy simply talks too much. No big deal, right? Except that once Ted takes a minute to think about it, he realizes Cathy does talk too much. Way too much. The illusion has been shattered (accompanied by a nice sound effect of breaking glass).

To get back at Marshall for ruining his relationship (even though he practically begged him to) Ted tells Marshall that Lily is a loud chewer. That’s why Ted calls her Chewbacca — not because she’s loyal, wears shiny belts and Marshall resembles a young Harrison Ford. Lily’s not the only one in the gang with an annoying habit though. Ted’s always correcting people (although my wife would tell you that I, not Ted, am Mr. Corrector), Robin uses “literally” in every sentence (figuratively), Marshall always sings about what he’s doing, and Barney sometimes speaks in a high-pitched voice, uses lame catchphrases and occasionally spaces out when people are talking to him.

After all that comes out, the only thing anyone in the group can focus on is each other’s faults — until a big group argument sparks something in Marshall’s brain and he remembers his password. He finds out that he passed the bar and everyone forgets the things that annoy them about the others.

Things also turn out well for Cathy, at least until Ted bumps into her on the street after much time has passed. She’s met the perfect man for her — a deaf one — and they’re engaged to be married. Of course, after listening to Cathy talk for a couple of minutes, Ted can’t help but shatter one more illusion and he uses sign language to inform Cathy’s fiancé about her incessant talking. The episode closes with the closed-captioned sound of breaking glass.

Best Barneyisms: “Kaka Spaniel” and “Golden Reliever” — the names of the videos in which dogs befoul children with their bodily functions.