ANTM: The Girls Who Crawl Recap

I’ve decided that nothing makes the America’s Next Top Model viewing experience better than a big tray of nachos. Especially an episode where weight, Sarah’s weight or lack thereof is a major discussion thread. You begin to say to yourself “Yeah, she should weigh more to be a plus-sized model.” Crunch, crunch, crunch — see, it works.

So we begin this episode rehashing the last, of course. The girls are still in shock over Ebony’s voluntary departure. She didn’t even have to cut her hair off & she still wanted out.

This conversation detailing Ebony’s misgivings about the competition segues nicely into Sarah discussing how she doesn’t know where she fits into the competition anymore. Ambreal is painfully aware that she doesn’t fit in the competition as she was supposed to be booted last week.

Chantal & Bianca don’t seem to have the same affliction. Chantal’s got the whole package. Ok, she didn’t say that exactly, but that was the subtext. Bianca doesn’t think she’s perfect, but she does think that everyone tiptoes around Heather. Well, sorry Bianca, but Heather’s sweep of the Cover Girl of the Week competition remains solid.

Tyra Mail! “This is why I’m hot, and you’re not!” Our models didn’t even try to decipher that one. Good thing too since I don’t think they could’ve known they were about to go to the Tyra Banks School o’ Sexy. It’s the skills she’s learned over the years and used in things like George Michael’s Too Funky video.

The girls go over many lessons: the sexy walk, the sweet & coy and the ubiquitous slide down the wall, of which there are 2 variants. Variant 1 is ‘model-y’ while variant 2 is ‘hootchie or music video.’ Got that? Model-y, not hootchie. Lisa, our resident bikini dancer who is surprisingly inept at sliding down a wall, summarizes things well when she says: “Model sexy is the sexiest.” Bianca, in fulfilling her new role as the ‘I hate Heather ’cause everyone loves her’ girl, laments that Tyra is loving Heather’s crawl. Apparently now anything nice said to Heather will grate on Bianca’s last nerve. Tyra leaves class with the inspirational: “Be beautiful & use your loveliness.” Namaste, Tyra, namaste.

And then we have probably one of the best Tyra Mail bits I’ve seen. Shot of Tyra Mail on counter. Shot of Heather seeing Tyra Mail. Shot of Heather staring at Tyra Mail, wondering what to do. She realizes others must be told of said Tyra Mail. She gives a quiet “guys…” a couple of times before remembering what dozens of girls in her situation have done before her and she lets out a satisfactory “Tyra Mail!”

Cut to the challenge — our models are meeting with video director Jesse Terrero. Bianca tells me how famous he is. I didn’t believe her for a second; she had no idea who he was until a producer told her, just like Danielle, sorry Dani, didn’t know what a marionette was. The girls will be appearing in a video for a famous musician and at least one girl will have a ‘featured’ role. Who, who could the musician be?

So then Enrique Iglesias walks into a trailer. Really, that’s how they revealed it. It was a nice trailer, don’t get me wrong, it was just anti-climactic. And I was a bit distracted by him because I couldn’t help thinking “didn’t he have a huge mole on the side of his face?” And thanks to Wikipedia, I now know I’m not crazy.

So just before they start shooting, after they’ve gotten into their squeaky-clean dominatrix-next-door gear, they’re told who’s going to be the ‘featured’ girl. It’s Lisa, ’cause they’re going for a gothic look. I didn’t get it either. Thankfully, they tell Heather she will also be featured ’cause, well, she’s the only gothic-looking one of the bunch. This, of course, drives Bianca bananas, and makes Chantal sad because she didn’t ‘own it.’

All the girls get their own role. Saleisha, Sarah and Bianca are couch girls; Ambreal is slide down the pole girl; Chantal is bored looking blonde girl with a drink in her hand; Jenah plays doorgirl with Heather. These are important jobs in the dungeon, people. Don’t believe me? Then see it for yourself:

Oh, wait, that’s the video WITHOUT any of the Top Model girls in it. Apparently they had to make a version without Top Models as to not reveal who got eliminated.

Saleisha thought the video was ‘classy sexy.’ I’m not sure where the ‘classy’ comes in, but that’s not for me to judge. We do have a scary moment when Heather collapses due to exhaustion. Apparently she’s gone & forgotten to eat and after filming all day it has caught up to her. It is a scary moment, but with some oxygen, banana & water, she’s much better. Here’s the lesson, kids: eat something. Especially when you know there’s a craft services table around there somewhere. Do you think Mr. Iglesias would go without a snack? I doubt it.

And then we’re off to panel, which since the show is claiming the girls got in at 2am, I hope they at least get to sleep until 10. I suppose they are all in their late teens/early 20s so they can still do that, but man, I was tired watching them and all I was doing was eating nachos.

Hey, I’m just realizing this was a Mr. Jay-free episode. I’m not ok with that, Tyra, so I trust that will never happen again.

The judges comments are underwhelming, except when Ambreal gets called to the carpet because she was too hootchie. Now, I can understand calling a girl out for being too hootchie. However, Tyra, in your lesson you showed 2 kinds of slides and ‘hootchie’ was linked with ‘music video’ which is what the girls were filming. That’s all I’m saying. Also, Bianca is told she’s not fluid enough. She now has to go back to the house & practice the Cabbage Patch to learn how to smooth out her movements. Jenah is described as ‘not being in control of her sexy.’ One must always be in control of one’s sexy.

Not surprisingly, confused Sarah and phone-it-in Chantal are in the bottom two, with Chantal being given a second chance at life. Sarah is crushed, and I feel bad for her. They really should do an all-plus ANTM, otherwise they’re just the Ensigns Expendable on the America’s Next Top Model Starship Enterprise. They always get to go on the strange & mysterious planet, but you know they’re not coming back.

Next week: Heather gets naked & goes off on other girls in the shower. Is this her Jerry Springer moment? No, it’s Top Model! Whoo-hoo! Man, now I want some Dippin’ Dots and a hockey fight. Until next week, when seven girls will still be in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model.