It’s Conjugal Day at the prison! Frank (Michael Rapaport) is in the hot box for biting someone’s earlobe off, so he won’t be able to meet his girlfriend Billie (Alyssa Milano) for Conjugal Day. Frank shows Earl a nude photo of Billie, who has a tattoo of angel wings, uh, down there. Billie shows up for Conjugal Day, but Earl has to tell her that Frank won’t be coming. Billie’s upset that Frank got tossed in the hot box, but then becomes even more upset when Earl reveals that he saw her nude photo. Billie breaks up with Frank, and suddenly Earl realizes he’s got another item for his list (now written on his pillow case).
After their breakup, Frank sinks into a deep despair. Earl decides he needs to get Frank a new girlfriend, so Frank and Earl shoot videos for a convict match website. Their new girls show up for Conjugal Day. Frank’s girl, Lucy, is totally hot but totally insane. Earl’s girl, Annie, is really a dude.
After that debacle, Earl decides he needs to win Billie back for Frank. Earl has a nude photo of Frank put up on a billboard, begging Billie to come back to him. She eventually comes back for Conjugal Day, and Earl meets her there to apologize. It’s then we learn that Billie once was on the path to becoming a nurse until she met Frank and got into a life of crime. Since Frank’s been in prison, Billie is turning her life around and she reenrolled in nursing school. Earl realizes that Frank needs to let Billie go so she can lead the good life that she wants to. Frank understands this, too, and he painfully breaks up with Billie. Frank throws the photo of Billie in the trash. Earl retrieves the photo, tears it in half, and keeps the top part … the part without the angel wings. It seems Earl has a thing for Frank’s girl.
In the subplot, a very pregnant Joy is shooting pool at the Crab Shack when she accidentally messes herself and runs into the bathroom. Catalina walks into the bathroom, sees Joy’s embarrassing situation, and snaps a photo of it with her cell phone. Afraid of being blackmailed, Joy sneaks into Catalina’s dressing room and steals her cell phone, but discovers soon after that Catalina already downloaded and saved the photo. Joy decides to get even, so she puts laxatives in a batch of cookies and sends them to Catalina’s dressing room at Club Chubby. Catalina eats the cookies just before she goes onstage and has a little accident of her own, which Joy is all too happy to photograph.
What We Learned
The afterlife is like The Peach Pit after dark.
Enjoy yourself. You’ve earned it.
Love can make you do crazy things, like armed robbery.
All items you have for-ni-cat-ed on must be hosed down.
Remember, it’s cold in prison.
Wisdom From Randy: Do you know a three-letter word that might have a 6 in it?
Crab Man Chronicles: Not much Darnell in this episode, unfortunately. Though there is a nice Mr. Turtle appearance, and Darnell reveals that the last time Joy was nice to someone was when she made that guy at the pet store smile five years ago.
Tough call on Lucy in relation to the Mendoza Diagonal. But Frank was having conjugal visits with Alyssa Milano in a slutty policewoman’s outfit — that does tend to skew one’s standards a bit.
But yeah, the prison humor is starting to grate on me, and this episode had too many cheap jokes.
Frank’s girl, Lucy, is totally hot but totally insane.
Ok, to borrow a notion from “How I Met Your Mother,” wouldn’t you agree that Lucy scores high enough on the Mendoza Diagonal that you can look past the crazy?
I loved the Peach Pit After Dark reference. And Randy’s three-letter word that might have a 6 in it.
But still. We need to get Earl out of the prison pretty soon. I’m really getting bored with the prison humor.