Like “The Onion” once did with John Leguizamo’s abysmal sketch show “House of Buggin’,” we’re going to provide weekly recaps of “Cavemen” until it gets canceled.
Another week, another recap. And this one’s got caveboobs. It’s hardly a stretch to say that the first two episodes of Cavemen were awful. But, this week, for the first time in the show’s brief history, the funniest punchline was in the show — not the show itself. That’s not to say that there’s an Emmy in Cavemen‘s future, or even that the show won’t be canceled by week’s end, but for the first time, I felt like I was watching a good show. Not good good, like The Office or Flight of the Conchords. But Cavemen good. Here’s the recap.
“The Cavewoman” begins outside of Fruitberry, a new frozen yogurt place that uses real fruit and represents the next big fad, like juice bars, cupcakes and fancy coffee — or the Great Ham Craze of ’96. Joel, Andy and Nick quickly get hooked on the place, partly because of the yogurt and partly because of Heather, “the girl in the tight uniform who isn’t wearing the thickest bra ever made.” Heather (pictured above) is the first cavewoman to appear in the series and, after she flirts with the guys, they waste no time in debating which of them she most wants to sleep with. It’s a conversation filled with awkward train/sex analogies and Nick’s request that they all just agree that he’s a superb lover.
During a later visit to Fruitberry with his girlfriend, Kate, Joel gets his first glimpse of Heather’s real personality when she is outwardly rude to Kate and chastises Joel for dating a “smoothie.” (Apparently that’s what cavewomen call Homosapien women, due to their lack of hair.) Joel does little to stand up for Kate, outside of offering up a timid “Hey. Now, now” — although he insists he did so with menace and really hammered home the “now, now.” After leaving Fruitberry, Kate calls him on his lack of support and accuses him of being attracted to Heather. She even goes so far as to speculate about his choice of yogurt toppings, kiwi and Fruity Pebbles.
Kate: “It’s very interesting that you would pick a sexy cavewoman.”
Joel: “What? No, Pebbles was the baby.”
Kate: “Not on The Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm Show!”
Shortly afterward, Nick makes his move on Heather and she responds favorably, filling his Fruitberry punch card with enough free punches to pay for his yogurt order. It turns out that he had actually handed her his Social Security card, which is now destroyed, but they head back to his place for some dirty, rough, unsatisfying cavesex anyway. Afterward Andy makes the mistake of asking Heather to set him up with one of her friends, and she suggests — or, more accurately, demands — that he call a kickboxer named Brandy. Nick is that last one to grasp just how unpleasant Heather is, but eventually he catches on when she becomes overly aggressive on the squash court and later forces him to work on his dissertation.
Meanwhile, Kate confronts Heather at Fruitberry, with her mom and a friend present as backup. Heather tells her that she doesn’t want to steal Joel because he’s a wuss, and somehow they all come to respect each other.
Andy has his own run-in with Heather, on one of his frequent trips to Fruitberry. When she finds out he hasn’t called her friend Brandy, she threatens,”If you don’t call her, I’m going to rip your voicebox out and call her myself — but in your voice.” Searching for any way out of the situation, he feebly responds, “I’m a gay man. I enjoy the gay lifestyle.” The ruse quickly falls apart when Heather challenges him to make out with a random guy at Fruitberry and he can’t follow through, choosing to run away instead.
Nick takes the same approach while on an unbearable date with Heather at the movies. Feigning a trip to the concession stand to get her some popcorn, he bolts and never looks back.
In the end, she takes the breakup well. The guys change their phone number and only find one dead possum in their mail. They are reduced to waiting outside of Fruitberry for Heather’s shift to be over so they can get their yogurt. Luckily they find a kid who’s willing to go inside and place their order for them. Naturally, he runs off with their $20 but, hey, things could be worse.
So, for the first time, I’m not dreading next week’s episode — assuming there is one. I’ve yet to see the ratings from this episode, but there was a significant dropoff in viewership from the series premiere to Episode 2. If that becomes a trend, Cavemen might soon go the way of, well, cavemen — and just when the show is starting to get good (sort of).