“How I Met Your Mother” Recap: Little Boys

Before we start this week’s recap, there’s something that needs to be said: Something is not quite right about the third season of How I Met Your Mother — and I’m not talking about Robin’s lame storylines (yet). Maybe I was too distracted by hot early-season guest stars Mandy Moore and Danica McKellar to notice it until now, but everyone on the show looks considerably worse than they did during the first two seasons. Before, Robin was always hot enough that you could understand why Ted went to such lengths in pursuing her. Lily’s bangs and Marshall’s side part are — how do I put this delicately? — unfortunate, and Ted has taken his “just rolled out of bed” look way too far, to where he just looks unkempt. Only Barney retains his classic look. See? It pays to suit up.

With that out of the way, it’s on to “Little Boys.” (Wait, that sounds a little creepy.)

The episode begins with the gang hanging out at the apartment, throwing 100 pieces of some kind of food (at least I hope it was food) into Marshall’s mouth. Lily describes the great guy she wants to set Robin up with, and everyone waits for the “but” — the one thing that turns an otherwise great catch into a throw-back. It can be a dead tooth, a pug that is pushed around in a stroller, a restraining order or — as Barney points out — just a huge butt. In this case, the “but” is a kid. As we all know, Robin hates kids, but she decides to date the guy anyway.

Later, down at McLaren’s, Barney reveals his latest ploy to pick up women — eye patches! The backstory involves both Ted and him getting bitten in the eye by cobras while heroically saving children (which Barney finds completely plausible since they were bitten in different eyes), but Ted’s not interested. He claims that guys with real game don’t need eye patches to score with women, to which Barney responds, “You can’t spell game without ‘me’ — and me has the best game.” After some back and forth along those same lines, during which Ted breaks out a reference to “The Game — well-crafted, keep-me-guessing thriller starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn,” it is decided that their amounts of game should be put to the test. Barney proposes a “picking-up-girls Olympiad, with 26 events over the course of 11 weeks in a neutral city with a panel of international judges.” Ted suggests that they simply select a girl and each try to sleep with her. Not wanting to be left out of the fun — or to admit that he has become irrelevant by getting married — Marshall also tries to prove that he’s got game (with statistics!). But the best he can muster up is a phone number from the guy in Stall 2 of the McLaren’s men’s room, whom he made inappropriate homoerotic comments to after mistaking him for Ted.

Some more stuff happens with Robin. She has a run-in with her new guy’s kid. It’s awkward. She wins him over, but not as much as she thinks she does. Blah, blah, blah. The show’s writers really need to do something better with her. My colleague, johnnysweeptheleg, has brought up the possibility that maybe Robin and Barney could/should get together at some point this season, and I’m starting to think that a drastic move like that is necessary to keep the character interesting. Until then, I will only focus on the guys. (Again, that didn’t come out quite like I expected.)

Ted and Barney select an attractive blonde as the focus of their bet, and after Barney gets slapped within the first 30 seconds of play, it seems likely that Ted will win the game to decide who’s got the most, um, game. It appears Barney has already slept with the girl and, as is usually the case with him, things ended badly. Appearances can be deceiving though, as Barney has merely set up an elaborate ruse in which Ted gets the opportunity to score but can’t bring himself to do so because Barney has gotten into his head. At the moment of truth, Ted decides that 200 showers aren’t enough to wash the girl completely clean of Barney and he drops out of the contest, assuming it will end in a draw. That’s when Barney reveals an elaborate master plan that involves sensitivity and a love of both yoga and reggae — all of which are faked — and sets out to win the bet. Sadly, he can’t seal the deal, even after taking things slowly and enduring more reggae than any man should, because he falls victim to his own tactics and imagines a miniature dancing Ted on the girl’s shoulder. But hey, at least he still looks good, right?

Highlights: Dozens of little khaki-clad Barneys reminding Ted that he’s not in uncharted territory; Barney’s take on “every reggae song ever.”

Best Barneyism: “Patch up!” — while trying to sell Ted on the eye-patch plan